So this one is long. It's from the heart and the best way I can explain most of this. I hope everyone will read it, like it, and share it. If not I'm OK with that too, it is a long one.
For almost my entire life I have struggled with depression and anger. Within the last few years the depression has become unbearable and it's become VERY difficult to maintain much if any happiness. Last year I hit my low when I almost took my own life twice.
After all that I started seeing a therapist and then another. They agreed on the same prognosis. That was, that I am transgender...
My whole life I've never felt quite right. Never felt I quite fit the mold that everyone else did. I've always monitored my actions, my speech, and just my general perception of how others perceived me. Since age 6-7, maybe even before that but I can't remember before that age to well. I've felt feminine and enjoyed feminine things. So since the prognosis, I finally accepted this after 33 yrs in October that I am transgender.
The biggest reason why I never came out before now is because I've always wanted this to just go away. I wanted this to be a phase. I still do. Suppressing these feelings were a very large contributor to my depression and anger. The other large contributor was my dislike for feeling this way and feeling incapable to express myself. So choosing the most masculine things always felt the best. I felt more comfortable playing male if I did very macho activities. MMA is a great example because there isn't much more of a macho activity than fighting. Those things made me feel normal. Having a target of the man's man most of my life gave me something to shoot for. Everything I did that was in line with that made me feel better about myself.
I love how my life has grown. I love the people that I've grown with. I made the choices I did because they gave me the most reward I could imagine. Loving my life made suppressing this feeling worth everything. That's what made this feeling so much harder to deal with. I loved the people in my life so much I never wanted to change the life I've wanted for so long. It was that dilemma, that paradox, that feeling of constant strain in two opposite directions that made suicide such a good option. As the years rolled on that pull in opposite directions grew to something unbearable.
I have to cover this because its important you understand. So many people have said this is a choice. I have to say this because this life is the furthest choice I would have ever chosen. So my choices were to end it, have a brain change, or make the best of what I have and attempt to be happy with that.
Before I came to grip with this I truly would have never thought that I could have seen the world was so beautiful and so much differently than I had my whole life. After I accepted the fate I opened myself to a world I had closed myself off too. I started mild hormones and the anger I had fog my eyes with rage dissipated. I stopped monitoring my every action and just let myself be. As of now 3-17-16 I have been on hormone therapy for almost a month and everything seems positive. I continue to become increasingly patient. There have been so many more benefits just in the first month. Some of which might be placebo but I'm OK with that also.
I don't have all the answers yet but I'll be honest and give you my opinion on the situation at this time. Everything is changing for me and my biggest strength going forward will be friends. I've never had friends because I never wanted to get close to people and I've always been so self conscious.
I can't control how other people act so if you disagree with me and don't want to speak with me, I will respect that. Just please understand I'm choosing life.
With love,
Someday maybe Ashley Michelle
P.S. send me an invite if you'd like. My profile pic is the profile of a pink character.
P.S.S. If nothing else than to see what I've stepped through to get to where I am, I'm hoping this can pull someone else through. There is a light and you will get there!!! [emoji178] [emoji178]
With Love
Ashley.
