Hello everyone. It's been about two months since I discovered I am transgender and it has definitely been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, but it would seem that at least for the time being my roller coaster has stopped on the highest peak, and I'm really hoping it stays there.
At first I was happy because I finally understood some of why I feel the way I do. Then I was sad and scared because I knew that I couldn't keep pretending that I don't feel the way I do and that I really needed to come out to my husband. After coming out to him I felt a small sense of relief and then total confusion because then I needed to decide what it actually meant for my family and me and what I wanted to do about it.
This is the point where I started going back over my life with a new perspective to try and recognize my disphoria. I now realize that my disphoria over my actual female body is minimal; as in I don't hate my body but I do wish I had a more masculine body. I see now that I do have more severe disphoria when it comes to my gender expression though.
I always hated picture day in school and pretty much all special events because my mom would make me dress up all girly and it just didn't feel right to me. In high school I got asked to the freshman/sophomore dance and said yes because i really liked him and was super excited but then i immediately regretted saying yes when I realized what I would have to wear to the dance. I was severely anxious over this for two weeks until the school announced that it had been cancelled because not enough kids signed up. I super relieved when that happened. About 9 months ago I decided I wanted to cut my hair short again. I told the stylist I went to that i wanted a short pixie type cut but that i was nervous because I hadn't had short hair in a long time.. She ended up cutting my hair into a very short, very feminine bob because she thought I was nervous about looking too masculine I think. My husband was with me when I got it done and he loved it. Everyone in the salon liked it and said it made me look beautiful. I immediately hated it and felt super self conscious but because my husband loved it and I was too ashamed to tell him that it was to feminine I kept it. I literately cried that night in the shower, and was plain miserable for two days until I went back and insisted that she cut it like I wanted in the beginning. I think I may have hurt her feelings because I couldn't give a straight up answer when she asked why I didn't like it. I was just ashamed to tell her my true feelings. These are just a few examples; there have been MANY OTHERS like these.
Anyway, back to now. Since finally recognizing my disphoria I have started expressing my self a lot more on the masculine side. At first i was nervous and anxious about it because I was afraid people would think i am a butch lesbian which I wouldn't have a problem with if I were one, but I'm not. But NOW I'm so much more happier with who I see in the mirror and I truly don't give a crap what other people think of me anymore. I have never been more confident with myself than I am right now. I've been a border-line alcoholic for the last few years and although I've tried to give it up many times I've never been successful until now. I feel so happy with myself right now that I have made the choice to stop drinking and get my body back into shape and I am doing really well with both. I've never truly understood what people meant when they say "I'm high on life" until now and it's an amazing feeling.
My husband and I are so happy together at this point. He has seen what the changes in my gender expression has done to my happiness and confidence level and is supporting me full force. I guess it also helps because I let him know that even though I would like to transition via HRT it is definitely not something I need so I'm no longer truly considering it at the moment which has been an immense relief to him I'm sure.
Anyway, I have happiness spurting out of my ears right now and just wanted share! Thanks for listening.
