I'm hanging out with a good buddy of mine tomorrow. We're pretty close, but he doesn't know I'm anything other than a bio male (or that I'm a gay female to male). He's having a party. The party will either be at this girl's house, or at his house. If its at his house, I don't need to worry about a thing. But if its at the girl's house, I'm screwed. He was talking about how this girl is good in bed and that we might have a chance of 'getting some', or at the least, getting a strip tease from her.

1. My buddy is homophobic and I've overheard him making ->-bleeped-<- jokes before. He had a bad encounter with a gay guy before I met him and still has the scars from fighting him. I guess ever since then he doesn't like gays, since this dude scarred him for life.

2. If I were to encounter a sexual suitation and I ended up in a bedroom with this girl and possibly the other dude, I can't even take my shirt off, let alone consider having sex.

I don't want to come out to this dude because I'm not sure how he would take it. He likes me well enough and I don't want to ruin our friendship. I need to keep our friendship intact for a number of reasons and I don't know what I would do if I were to be outted to him. I'm afraid he'll accuse me of hiding things and being fake, or just refuse to talk to me since I'm queer. What do I do if he finds out? How do I explain? How do I react if he accuses me of leading him wrong or hiding this from him?

Quote from: zombiesarepeaceful on January 03, 2008, 03:24:09 PM
I'm hanging out with a good buddy of mine tomorrow. We're pretty close, but he doesn't know I'm anything other than a bio male (or that I'm a gay female to male). He's having a party. The party will either be at this girl's house, or at his house. If its at his house, I don't need to worry about a thing. But if its at the girl's house, I'm screwed. He was talking about how this girl is good in bed and that we might have a chance of 'getting some', or at the least, getting a strip tease from her.

1. My buddy is homophobic and I've overheard him making ->-bleeped-<- jokes before. He had a bad encounter with a gay guy before I met him and still has the scars from fighting him. I guess ever since then he doesn't like gays, since this dude scarred him for life.

2. If I were to encounter a sexual suitation and I ended up in a bedroom with this girl and possibly the other dude, I can't even take my shirt off, let alone consider having sex.

I don't want to come out to this dude because I'm not sure how he would take it. He likes me well enough and I don't want to ruin our friendship. I need to keep our friendship intact for a number of reasons and I don't know what I would do if I were to be outted to him. I'm afraid he'll accuse me of hiding things and being fake, or just refuse to talk to me since I'm queer. What do I do if he finds out? How do I explain? How do I react if he accuses me of leading him wrong or hiding this from him?

Ah...you are in a hard place that is for sure. First and foremost make sure that no matter what happens that you consider your safety...the sad fact of the matter is that a lot trans people get beaten when discovered...so just keep that in the back of your mind.

The best possible solution is to simply not put yourself in the second situation. Avoiding those types of situations will work for a while but eventually your friend may become suspicious if every time there's a chance of having sex with a girl and you flake out and sometimes that's worse then actually telling them up front.

Eventually you're going to have to make a decision as to whether or not you can really afford to keep people who don't understand around you

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

You can always say that somthing came up..Somthing has come up after all, and you can't make it.
If you decide to go, you can always play the tired part. For me that works well because I don't have to play; after two beers I am pretty groggy. (doesn't seem to apply to margeritas or coronas thoguh...)

Another thing, he might take it better in your case because you are FTM.

However the thing is, I have come out to a lot of people who I thought were going to take it horribly. One guy from Texas who was this baiyu raised cajun, and definite macho guy from a catholic family took it fine.
Sure, when I was working with him, and was not out, he gave me all kinds of sh!t for being girly or not lifting like a man, or whatever, but when I finally told him at the end of the job, he was just suprised, but cool. He had a few questions about it, but was real cool about it.
Other people who I didn't think would have much of a problem turned out to be a real pain.

I guess the thing is you never can tell.

As far as his homophobia is concerned, must phobic guys tend to be afraid of gay guys. Likely MTF's too.

Another thing you can do is mention to hem when it comes up that you just not really into that, that you're looking for a more long term relationship. If you are Bi or into girls you can indicate that you are looking for a girl.

The bottom line is you are not gay just because you might feel uncomfortable banging some chick. She's probably the village bicycle anyways, you wouldn't want to. LOL
But no, I had friends like that occasionally when I was still out as a guy, and I didn't have too many problems with it.

Just be confident. REally. They are questioning your masculinity!??
"whatever, dude, what floats your boat..." that's how you got to carry yourself in that kinda situation.

That you got complete confidence. This dude wants to question it? Whatever. "have fun dude" is all you got to say.
You're a guy. Don't show any weakness, emotion about it, other than slight amusement that he might suggest such a thing. Be confident, almost arrogantly so.
That should pass you well enough for the night. Go do somthing else durring the party.

Edit:
This is actually the most effective way I ever found when handleing those type of guys. If it comes up and they suggest anything that might chalenge your masculiniy: just laugh. Like it's the most absurdly funny suggestion you have ever heard. Then if you need to I'd follow up with some teasing sarcasm: "Oh yeah, I'm gay alright,(laughing), let me just go find my hotpants...?(can't sop laughing) " lol and keep laughing.
That ought to shut him up pretty quick..

Quote from: Isabelle St-Pierre on January 03, 2008, 04:04:11 PM
Ah...you are in a hard place that is for sure. First and foremost make sure that no matter what happens that you consider your safety...the sad fact of the matter is that a lot trans people get beaten when discovered...so just keep that in the back of your mind.

The best possible solution is to simply not put yourself in the second situation. Avoiding those types of situations will work for a while but eventually your friend may become suspicious if every time there's a chance of having sex with a girl and you flake out and sometimes that's worse then actually telling them up front.

Eventually you're going to have to make a decision as to whether or not you can really afford to keep people who don't understand around you

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

Izzy,

You said it better than I did on my comment about "Boys Don't Cry".  Do not put yourself in an unsafe situation.  PERIOD.   Living life sucks if you get beat up for it.  And it go as far as it did for Brandon Teena --- there's no coming back.

Daisy

If he is a true genuine friend he wont shy away he might be shocked (if thats the word) and need a few days to think it through and let it sink in.

The "gay attack" shouldn't really affect you as Im getting the feeling he already knows you like girls right? and that you are a "girl"? So that makes you a lesbian? And hes fine with you know being sort of gay?? Or am I reading this wrong?

If you want to tell him then just do it.. if you dont leave it alone. But If it bothers you too much then tell him I had to with some of my friends and a few of them I thought wouldn't talk to me if I told them. Turns out they where true friends.

If he doesn't accept you as you then he is not a true friend period.

^ I agree, I don't think you should be friends with this person. If he can't accept you, then he isn't your friend.

I think he said there is a reason why he needs to maintain the relationship.
It could be work related or something.
I've had things like that come up before where I needed to maintain a good relationship with someone who was definitely a necessarily friendly relationship. Like a boss or something.

I agree with all the comments and suggestions put forward in this thread. As for myself I just got lucky I found another trans woman to share my life with, other wise I would have had to choose a life living alone, which I didn't really relish. I have had the experience of being beat up and sexually assaulted by my own ex, and that was several years before I ever began transitioning. I believe that some people out there are like predators who can smell the blood, or should I say in this case our vulnerability and strangeness. They can feel or sense that which is strange and different about us, right to the aura of our being. Even before transitioning. Just take care and I pray you that you will make the correct decision. Apparently if I am correct your transformation to male is not yet complete, at least wait until your transition is complete before lunging into any relationship.

Cindy

Alright, to clear things up,

1. I am a pansexual ftm. I don't consider gender in my partners. I have been attracted to both girls and guys, and I currently have a ftm boyfriend. This is what I was referring to when I said I was gay. If I was in a relationship with a girl, I would consider myself straight. I don't consider myself a 'girl' at all (even though I'm pre-op, I know I've always been a guy inside. I prefer to ignore my body in the meantime) so I wouldn't consider a relationship with a girl as gay.

2. I met this guy at work. There are a number of reasons I need to keep our friendship on good terms. I don't want to work with someone who hates my guts, and he is my hookup for...things.

3. I didn't know this girl who was supposed to be at the party, and I wouldn't be interested in a relationship or anything right now, because I'm with my ftm boyfriend. She is apparently one of this guy's friends and it would've been a one night stand if anything happened.

I decided not to go to the party anyhow. I made up some story about having to go to another state with my mom that afternoon. I carry a knife on me all the time but so does he, and I don't feel like taking chances and getting jumped if I were to be outted.

Thanks for the replies.