It's possible I might be opening a can of worms here. It is not my intention to offend anybody, I'm just trying to find some answers.

I am struggling to come to terms with possibly being transgender. I will have moments when I think I have finally found a way to accept myself as trans and all seems well. Then I would be overcome by guilt and doubt starts to set in and I cannot believe that I am trans, but instead I am suffering some kind of mental illness.

I have been seeing a gender therapist for about 6 months now, and have also just started seeing another therapist to help me deal with my self hatred that also seems to plague me.

Thinking logically, being trans seems to be the best explanation. I just can't seem to bring myself to accept the fact. Each time I have those short periods of thinking I have started to accept myself, I actually do believe that this time I am accepting for real, but it never seems to last. I work in a male dominated environment (100% males). I love my job, and work with a pretty good bunch of guys. I guess that makes me feel like I'm ok being a guy and then the doubts start coming back. There is always this constant feeling of believing I should be a woman, it varies from a slight feeling just lingering in the background to an overwhelming desire to become a woman.

I have started taking some anti depressants hoping they would help reduce some of the dysphoria, but so far they seem to have no effect.

Does anybody else feel this way, and how do you deal with it?

Jayne

You leave the door open to many possibilities. The first is where you might be fluid/bi gender. If you are, sometimes you will feel female and sometimes you will feel male. It's possible to enjoy male tasks while feeling female. If that is correct, your identity is more on the female end of the scale and stuck in place.

Where every you are on the scale, this isn't a mental illness and you were born with it. Our birth sex hormone reacts rather badly with our brain because our brain was designed before birth to use the opposite hormone thats present.

I am not surprised that anti depressants have little or no effect. The were designed to target something entirely different. What would work and prove you are transgender is a hormone blocker. Removal of the birth sex hormone should within a few week reduce or eliminate the dysphoria that you feel. Sex hormones are not as important in this test but they could be used in low dose.

I understand much of the confusion you are facing because when I transitioned, the cause of ->-bleeped-<- wasn't understood. Blockers weren't available so only the few of us who were luck enough to have the estrogen block T production felt freedom before surgery. Now it has become a standard part of treatment.

While I don't think you are fluid but because I am not sure, I am including some links you might find useful.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196073.0.html

Hi Dena,

Thanks for your reply. I was under the impression that blockers were used for children to delay puberty. Do they also work on adults? I am 43.

Jayne

Sounds like you're describing exactly the denial, internalised transphobia and attempts at failed rationalisation I struggled through for 20 years. I coped by pushing my depression deeper and deeper until it could be compressed no more. Self acceptance certainly proved to be my saving grace (no pun intended!)

The most common modern day HRT for MTF involved blockers to suppress the T production and estrogen to develop  feminine features. Adults report that within a few weeks, the discomfort is greatly reduced. Sometime I suspect there may be a down side because the drive to transition is eliminated. They then stop HRT thinking they are cured and the dysphoria returns to it's normal levels.

The blocker will not reverse the damage that has already happened. In children, it prevents the damage from happening giving them time to make up there mind. In adults the main benefit is that you are no longer climbing the wall all the time because of your discomfort.

Quote from: jayne01 on March 26, 2016, 02:55:33 PM
Hi Dena,

Thanks for your reply. I was under the impression that blockers were used for children to delay puberty. Do they also work on adults? I am 43.

Jayne

Yes, blockers do work.  They lowered my Testosterone from a level well above average to nearly non-existent.  The dysphoria largely disappeared and I have never felt better, including having pretty high energy levels.

Thanks for that. I might ask my therapist for her thoughts next time I see her.

I read somewhere (don't remember where) that your body needs hormones to be healthy and not effect your immune system. If that is true, I am guessing that taking blockers long term without hormones would not be advisable. Otherwise if the blockers alone can eliminate the dysphoria, why would you want to continue transitioning? Am I misunderstanding something here?

Jayne

I agree with Dena that your nature is causing your pain, and I agree with Grace that your nurture is impeding the alleviation of your pain.

Could you elaborate why you feel guilty when acting on what makes you happy? Somewhere I think there is a flaw in your logic, which rectifying would be the necessary first step towards a better life.

Quote from: jayne01 on March 26, 2016, 04:52:53 PM
Otherwise if the blockers alone can eliminate the dysphoria, why would you want to continue transitioning?

One reason could be for the reason you gave in your prior two sentences. Another reason is that you want to.

Most of my guilt comes from putting my wife in such a difficult position. She is my whole world to me, and it just feels wrong for me to expect her to accept me as a woman. It was after being together for 15 years that I came out to her. Not because I was deliberately trying to hide anything but because I didn't know what was happening myself. Now I feel I have somehow deceived and betrayed my wife. That creates an enormous amount of guilt inside me.

Jayne

Sex hormones help hold the calcium in your bones. I just returned to them but I was off of them for 10 years without ill effect. I was also very careful to keep enough calcium in my diet so my body didn't need to take calcium from my bones. In addition, nobody in my family seems to have issues with bone issues as they aged.

I said the blockers reduce the dysphoria. Children as young as 3 know when they are transgender but puberty really cranks up the volume in many of us. Some of us can live with a reduced dysphoria and avoid the transition. In my case, completing the transition completely eliminated any discomfort I had and even now I have no desire to return to the male role. It's a personal decision and only you will be able to decide what is right for you.

We have a heavy non binary population on this site and it's composed of many people living between male and female. They have found a life were they are comfortable and it's not the path of a transsexual. They may have taken many of the steps that a transsexual would take but they didn't need all of it.

Quote from: jayne01 on March 26, 2016, 05:06:03 PM
Most of my guilt comes from putting my wife in such a difficult position. She is my whole world to me, and it just feels wrong for me to expect her to accept me as a woman. It was after being together for 15 years that I came out to her. Not because I was deliberately trying to hide anything but because I didn't know what was happening myself. Now I feel I have somehow deceived and betrayed my wife. That creates an enormous amount of guilt inside me.

Jayne

You're looking at transition as a choice between two options. If the present state of your marriage is more valuable to you than living full time as a woman, there are manifold compromises.

Think about the things that would make you happy, weigh them against the costs, and move forward.

Thank you Dena. Now that you mentioned it, I remembered about the hormones and bones. It wasn't the immune system.

I'll check out the non binary section. I wish there wasn't this confusion in my head. There just isn't any clear picture in my mind of how I see myself in the future. It's just a fuzzy blur.

Jayne

I am no longer certain if I'm mtf trans or non-binary.  It's kind of confusing to my mind.  But along with the blockers I'm also taking a full transition dose of estrogen and progesterone.  That probably has a lot to do with my high energy levels and positive state of mind.  What changes have occurred so far feel perfectly right.


Sapere Aude

A few months ago, my wife and I went out shopping and she helped me pick out a dress I could wear at home. I wore it a few times and when I looked in the mirror all I saw was this pathetic guy wearing a dress. I  then just hung it up and left it there for several weeks. I ended up feeling so ashamed and guilty and embarrassed that I took the dress into the backyard, put it in a bucket, poured fuel over it and set it on fire. I sat there watching it burn until there was nothing but ashes left.

I don't know if I am capable to ever get past this guilt and shame.

Jayne

Im glad the hormones are working well for you Deborah.

The only way you will be happy is accepting the transgender part of your self and finding a way to live with it. Many of us have. Looks take work and the last person who will see the feminine you will be you. I lived as a woman almost 2 years before I could see the female in the mirror.

If you are going to look at the non binary, you might want to look at our Wiki first so you will have an idea what some of the options are in the non binary life. Sometime, people start out in one place and as they explore themselves they move into another. Don't worry so much about a final solution, just worry about a starting point.

Quote from: jayne01 on March 26, 2016, 05:28:24 PM
A few months ago, my wife and I went out shopping and she helped me pick out a dress I could wear at home. I wore it a few times and when I looked in the mirror all I saw was this pathetic guy wearing a dress. I  then just hung it up and left it there for several weeks. I ended up feeling so ashamed and guilty and embarrassed that I took the dress into the backyard, put it in a bucket, poured fuel over it and set it on fire. I sat there watching it burn until there was nothing but ashes left.

I don't know if I am capable to ever get past this guilt and shame.

Jayne

How many males look good in dresses?

What would slightly make the person in the mirror more like someone you rather be? Different health habits? Different grooming? Different wardrobe?

Whatever will improve life, do it, and keep doing it.

Quote from: jayne01 on March 26, 2016, 05:28:24 PM
A few months ago, my wife and I went out shopping and she helped me pick out a dress I could wear at home. I wore it a few times and when I looked in the mirror all I saw was this pathetic guy wearing a dress. I  then just hung it up and left it there for several weeks. I ended up feeling so ashamed and guilty and embarrassed that I took the dress into the backyard, put it in a bucket, poured fuel over it and set it on fire. I sat there watching it burn until there was nothing but ashes left.

I don't know if I am capable to ever get past this guilt and shame.

Jayne

I bought a few pieces of feminine clothing before HRT, too, and had almost the same reaction. Now, after HRT I look quite good in them. I had thought I would take a low dose and stay basically the same. It didn't happen. Spironolactone and estradiol were like a long, cool, drink of water to my parched psyche. I felt as you do about my wife but eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't fair to make her live with the horrible, touchy, broken man I had been, even if I managed to survive much longer being him. We're still together, greatly changed, and I can't honestly say that we will stay together but either way it's a better outcome than we were facing.

That doesn't mean that my path is yours, do what you think best. Just remember that no step is irreversible except the step of admitting to her that you may be trans. That one can't be taken back. Try HRT, try avoiding it, but be honest with yourself and her either way.

Quote from: autumn08 on March 26, 2016, 05:41:01 PM
How many males look good in dresses?

That is kind of my point. I am a male with distinctly male features. I have big hands, an enormous head (even compared to other males), rough looking face. You could be blind drunk and would never mistaken me for female. I would always feel like a guy wearing a dress.

Quote
What would slightly make the person in the mirror more like someone you rather be? Different health habits? Different grooming? Different wardrobe?

Whatever will improve life, do it, and keep doing it.

I have no idea how to answer that. I draw a complete blank. I think I have spent so long dissociating my mind from my body, when I look in the mirror it is almost always a surprise to see what I look like.

Jayne