Hi, everyone. I have some burning questions I'd like to have addressed, but absolutely no idea about resources.
I wanted to start off by saying that I'm DFAB. Only because it makes the rest of my issue a little easier to understand I suppose?
When I was young, I was a pretty normal kid. Solitary, intelligent, studious. I hit puberty early and gained a lot of weight. I went from having a waifish frame to developing breasts and a stomach that caused a lot of unwanted attention. Mainly teasing. Fat kids never get a break.
Around that time, I recognized that in imaginative play, I always wanted to be male. We're playing house? I'm the dad. We're playing with dolls? I'm Ken. Even in my relationships with other girls, I always viewed myself as the more masculine type that initiated things.
I rejected a lot of traditionally feminine things growing up. I wore dress shirts and pants instead of dresses. I outright refused to wear heels for prom. Every Halloween it was a perfect chance for me to get into something where I could play a guy. One year in high school my costume was literally just me trying to pass as male - I bought jeans, an oversized t-shirt, binded my chest, and slicked my hair back. It tickled me when I went out into public like that.
When living alone for the first time, in college, I suffered through a lot. I had depression and anxiety that was going untreated. At first, I loved the freedom of doing what I wanted. I ended up shaving half my hair and felt so <not allowed> confident the day I came home. But then my insecurities barreled their way through and I ended up hating how I looked. I tried to grow my hair back out because I was sick of seeing my face in the mirror.
I've been misgendered a lot in public.
One incident, I was waiting in line at the post office near campus. Picking up a package from a guy I'd seen hundreds of times before. He called me "sir". I just stared at him, on the verge of tears, while he laughed it off and apologized.
My best friend took a selfie of us one night while we hung out. She showed it to her boyfriend. He asked who the guy in the photo was.
One of my bosses accidentally called me "sir".
I looked at an old picture of myself could barely believe it was me. It was a little dissociating.
Since my time living alone, I've opened up a lot to "feminine" things. I just started learning how to do my own makeup. I've been buying dresses, learning to walk in heels. Buying clothes for myself. Not because I gave in. Not because I was forced. Because I'm in the early stages of learning to accept myself. To not feel awkward, because the body I have is nowhere near the body I want. My proportions are off: I have wide shoulders, a big belly, small hips, dark, bushy eyebrows. The only thing that I actually like about my body that feels feminine is my chest.
People have trouble seeing that I'm trying to present as female and it really upsets me when, no matter how hard I try, I know that I'm androgynous at best.
And this is the complicated part: I like to be referred to as male if it's on my terms. That night that I went out dressed as a guy? I wanted people to call me "sir". Because I had this alter ego that I'd created. My "masculine" self. Someone that was more confident, self aware, protective. I named that alter ego, and if I'm in a certain mood, that's how I'll present myself.
There's still a part of me that - depending on my mood and the time of day - I view as male and almost a separate person from myself. That person is confident in themselves. I'm not when it's just me.
I suppose I just wanted some perspective. I don't want to intrude on the trans community in no way, shape or form. And I know everyone's experiences are different. But nonbinary is such a new term to me and I really have no one to talk to about this. I've never told anyone because I'm ashamed.
So I would just like people who are confident in their identity to sort of shed some light on my experiences.
