Hey,
I have not posted much lately. I had surgery February 20th in Thailand.
I had a wonderful trip.. loved it and great result and little pain.

Post op life for me has just started...I dilate morning noon and night ..LOL.. Literally.

Therapy is so important post op to me.  I transitioned fairly fast.. 27 months or so. 

FFS was for me a no return operation.. then body shaping .. and now GRS.

I think GRS is the most dramatic change from a mental state for me.  Knowing I am forever to have a vagina.. what I always wanted is a bitter sweet victory in some ways.

You finally reach the goal, we have climbed a mountain.. it was not easy to get here.  It was painful ..there is no way to sugarcoat transition .. I believe we are so driven that we make it, we reach the goal and then there is a let down.
There is no turning back. What I wanted all my life I have. Now what?

Sure there is post op depression.. we are tired.. dilation is so time consuming.  We are still recovering so its understandable to have that let down feeling .. to get a little depressed... well ok a lot depressed....have good cries..   To get pissed and say WTF.. why me..

To forget the why that I did this since GID is gone now..  YAY...

I feel like a normal human now.. wow this is amazing.. To feel that freedom.

But losing GID leaves a hole in me.. How do I fill that thought process.... that habit of despair now.. How do we replace it with something good?  Move on in ones life that has changed so deeply.
I don't have all the answers.. that is why I am still in therapy.

I just know Post Op life is going to be a challenge for me. 

For me, I feel the answer will be not to focus on myself so much as to focus on others.  Focus on doing something good in this world.  Stop short of nothing but doing my best in life.

Without doing that... all this to me would be meaningless..

So, I do not see many posts here in the post op forums.  So, I will change that.  I plan to share some raw feelings as time passes along.

So, instead of my blog on face book that I am shutting down soon.. I will post some thoughts here.  I may even post some of my blogs here.... These would be feelings I shared with all my friends.. CIS and trans on this journey.

I do know one thing, I am different now since surgery mentally. I see men and women differently than before.. Even though I was on hormones.

I see women and think... yep I am the same.. I see men and think .... wow.. yep I am so different... or they are so different.  You realize how you were never a man period.. never in my whole life.. I played the part... I was a good actor.

And then you think...men.... those lucky bastards.. so easy to be a guy right?.........................................  then you say.. but I am not one.. and don't want to be one.. I am me.. I am who I am..   I am what I am. Even with all the loses.. all the pain I would have it no other way...

And some say this could be a choice... If this were a choice I would have so taken the easy road and stayed a male... I had it made.

The desire to be who we really are is so strong.. and it never changes.... never.

Love
Keri

Welcome back

Hi Keri....there is a lack of post op support and infomation.  I'm lucky to live in Bangkok, and my assistant was the former head ward nurse for the srs surgery at Piyavate Hospital. Thus, I can have alot of my post op physical issues addressed. Recently, i had to deal with odor from below and she immediately solved it for me...

However, the mental side is different. I was told by my therapist that I may have post op depression but I am fortunately not affected at all. I never had problems mentally before and I have found peace ...lucky cos so few find peace in this lifetime .

Like you, I too feel the need to give back to the community and that's such a great development and I am so pleased.

Love you and miss you Keri

Keri, awesome post. From personal experience, the post-op path is different than what may have been projected pre-op. Our body has changed, and that changes our perspective. If I was asked for advice I'd say be open to all ideas. The judgements we carried before belonged to another person, in another time. Share your feelings.

Yeah, it really is important to have some *life* goals post-op - that is, things that have nothing to do with trans issues. As you have wisely noted, when all that mental static finally goes silent, there's a lovely mental space to fill with something better!

Although I could not wait to be done with therapy. I transitioned in 11 months and only very reluctantly continued on with my therapist in the 2 years after the end of transition and GRS, and only so I could get my letters; I was delighted to cancel my recurring appointment as soon as I was post-op and didn't need her anymore. (My therapist wasn't all that helpful, though, as you could probably guess.)

Quote from: warlockmaker on March 28, 2016, 11:02:41 PM
Hi Keri....there is a lack of post op support and infomation.  I'm lucky to live in Bangkok, and my assistant was the former head ward nurse for the srs surgery at Piyavate Hospital. Thus, I can have alot of my post op physical issues addressed. Recently, i had to deal with odor from below and she immediately solved it for me...

However, the mental side is different. I was told by my therapist that I may have post op depression but I am fortunately not affected at all. I never had problems mentally before and I have found peace ...lucky cos so few find peace in this lifetime .

Like you, I too feel the need to give back to the community and that's such a great development and I am so pleased.

Love you and miss you Keri

Miss you too girl❌⭕️❌⭕️

Hi Keri, I had a lot of the same feelings, finally reached my life goals, now what? Have since made some new goals and working towards them.

I totally understand how everything seems now. Before I had SRS I felt 100% female, but I feel so mentally different now. Would be nice for others to know about this sort of thing, but I was at a loss of how to explain it in way that isn't derogative to those who have not had srs. Even now I think I should have worded this more delicately.

Look forward to your posts.

Wow, posts on post op from my favourite girls!

Congratulations to all of you and my deepest love for your future happiness.

Yes it is important to discuss post op affairs and future plans etc.

What you need to be mindful of is that some girls don't want surgery, and that is fine. Many girls deeply want surgery but either cannot afford it, cannot have it due to medical issues, life issues or family issues.

In discussing post op life it is important to realise that.

So there is no reason to not say anything but just to be mindful of not to hurt the feelings of girls who would dearly love to be post op but cannot be.

They continue to cry in their pillows, dreaming of being normal.

All you need to remember is: ' but for the sake of good fortune, a competent surgical team and the twists we face in life lay you.'

Post away.

Cindy

This is one of the reasons why I've decided post-op, whenever that may happen, will not be the final goal in my journey... but the start of a whole new one.

I guess you know depression is a potential side effect of general anesthetic?

Quote from: AnonyMs on March 29, 2016, 02:00:24 AM
I guess you know depression is a potential side effect of general anesthetic?

As my psych said. I see my post natal women and my post SRS women 6 weeks after birth or surgery because that is when depression can set in.

If you are happy you don't need me, if you are not, that is why you see me.

Quote from: Cindy on March 29, 2016, 02:55:12 AM
As my psych said. I see my post natal women and my post SRS women 6 weeks after birth or surgery because that is when depression can set in.

If you are happy you don't need me, if you are not, that is why you see me.

Makes sense, 6 weeks can be a pretty rough time, your mind has gone through so much at that point.

My therapist has been so wonderful on helping me and guiding me pre op, he did say call if I needed him.. I have not needed him but thinking of having a session just to update him. Kinda sad just to forget him now.

At my last psychiatrist session pre GCS, he gave me a hug and asked that I please come back to say hello afterwards.  My recovery hasn't been easy so I think a visit would be worthwhile.  Perhaps a bit of closure too.  It does help that i consider him part of my support team along with my GP and the surgeons I have visited.

Hi Keri

Thank you so much for keeping us posted.

I have given up everything I have to follow the same path as you.

This was not a real choice for me, I have always wanted to be a post op woman. The urge has grown stronger and stronger! Beginning hormones was wonderful and my sexuality has gradually changed. However, ever since I can remember the only way that I could perform was as the woman I had always dreamed of becoming. Living as a woman is not easy, but I would never go back to my old life.

Have fun and enjoy all the opportunities that come your way!

Take care

Love Julie x

Hi Keri!

Wonderful opening post, and I'm looking forward to your raw observations.

Wow, 27 months to do most everything on the "to-do" list! Looks like everything but voice surgery...what have you done for that?

Followed your posts and appreciate that you share the good and the bad.  It's life.  I go in for GCS in a month and happy that I can have  realistic expectations.  Honestly, I am scared to death because we never know how things will be until we get there.  Also excited for what I hope will be a sense of peace.

Hey girls thanks for all the responses.

I kind of had a breakdown for last few days.  Has to do with all those losses and the reality of it.. mostly with my ex.. who still loves me but in a totally different way and so understandable.   Also I have dealt with those issues in the past so thought I had accepted the losses.  It seems they have all fallen on my shoulders at one time.  If you know my history I really did have a wonderful marriage...to my best friend ever.  I do have some external issues that are weighing me down but don't want to be specific about that... lets just say, they are stressful .

Anyway, I have been so happy for so long after going full time this has really caught me off guard.. I called my therapist today to see her on Monday.

I have lost my GID issue.. I am so thankful for that.  I am normally even keeled and up most all the time.  I have to think its just normal post op depression enhanced by some of the hormonal changes that take place.

I see my endo Monday to check my current levels.

I am supposed to meet friends tonight for our regular weekly night out but I don't want to go.. and usually I count down the time for that moment when we all meet.

So anyway.. hopefully I will be posting a more positive and optimistic way in a few days...

I am thinking about just going in there and putting my makeup on and going to meet my friends... I think I should go..

Keri

Please, go see your friends. Being around supportive people is far better than staying away and isolating yourself.

*hugs*

*hugs*

Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on March 31, 2016, 05:50:22 PM

I see my endo Monday to check my current levels.

Yes, high enough levels are important. If levels are too low it can affect mood.
Also the neovagina reacts to estrogen levels like a cis vagina. So high enough levels are important there too.

If estrogen levels are high enough many endos also watch testo levels then, in the female range. If they are really low some people have fatigue.

And some people are helped by biodientical progesterone. Its also part of the mix in cis females.


Well do you have a few things you enjoy like cooking ...

and you could make a list of a few things you could do step by step so you have a feelings your issues are dealt with over time ...


*hugs*