I have been really quite lately I have been trying to live life and the new job is keeping me busy.

But it does not make up for the immense pain keeping me awake at 1 in the morning. About 10 minutes ago I was drafting my suicide letter to my soon to be ex wife.I stopped and asked what am I doing again. Telling her how betrayed I feel. I don't know if she took my chances away of being a man because she helped me cope because it helped to suppress the dysphoria or is it just having dysphoria took my chances away of being a man because my stupid biological wiring will always challenge me being a man and make me unbearably uncomfortable as a man.

When I had  that immense discomfort her validation that I was a man for her and her husband was like some sort of way to calm that storm. The problem is now she is not part of my life. My whole life tipped to the side of dysphoria consuming me and I feel like a person in the middel of the ocean that is just swimming for survival. For her she made the right choice but for me it means I am trapped in this sea. There is no lifeboat anymore just water and it is called dysphoria. She was like my little rescue boat always. When I saw that little boat I knew I was safe I felt I was someone worth rescuing. I felt I could win dysphoria and I did until there was no boat anymore.

People like her doesn't understand the immense pain they cause people with gender dysphoria when they push us away. Not only do we face a world where we are seen as outcasts we get rejected by the person we love most because being normal is more important than having the person that you really love with you. Stand by you through hell like they promised to do. Then they want to ask why do we drown? They see us struggling to swim it doesn't always mean we will transition it sometimes mean we are battling with the idea and fighting against it. Then when we fight we are also wrong because we dared to be dysphoric and consider transition or started and decided well I am going to lose my family if I don't stop. I stopped and struggled some more but that was not enough I got kicked when I was down.

So what now I am 7 months on hrt and I still carry this pain because divorce wasn't my choice and the lifeboat did not come back. How is choosing to transition choosing to be happy if the only happiness I knew was with them?



I don't feel like a parent anymore also a father. I don't know what it feels like raising a child as only seeing a child every second weekend is not raising a child.

Hugs. I know it's not even close to being nearly enough, but please savor every minute with your child. You are bringing more joy than you can imagine.

That's the problem with depression - it blinds us to the good we're doing in the world and only shows us the hopelessness. I hope you can look beyond the illusion and get a glimpse of all the good you can and will do.

I hear your hurt.

I couldn't see my kids for a few years. I couldn't talk with them on the phone either. I'm not sure they got the birthday presents I sent them. It took a while but that all settled down. She was THE greatest love of my life. Nothing will ever top that. But it's okay. I too was pushed out. I too was divorced. I didn't fight it and gave in to every demand. I should have had some legal representation but looking back, I'm proud that I didn't leave my family in a terrible place.

The thing is, you are not the person she thought she married. You know it. She knows it. It happens. We have a protective shell and now yours is broken. You will always have these feelings but they will become less hurtful over time. You'll build on your life with new experiences, friends, and relationships. Life can get better. It's just daunting to face your life in the next several months. Life is cruel that way. I do wish you the best of luck in getting through this, the most difficult experience of your life.

Amore,

I know you are at an awful time right now. If you are talking about hurting yourself, please find help. As long as you are here, things can always get better. I have been touched by people ending there lives.The latest being a 19 year old girl I knew. My father-in-law also. It is horrible for those left behind. It is no solution. Please seek help!
Moni

Well thank you guy's as always I can count on you for support it is hard having your child live under another roof when all you want to be is a parent. You want to raise her and do parent things. I have an amazing job with an amazing boss. She even bought me underwear the other day as a present. It is a magic vest that has no seams that help hide the girls that is growing. She is super supportive I love her to bits. But private life sucks.

I must say that from my perspective your very lucky to have what you have. You have what I've always wanted and will never have. I've cried endless tears over 40 years to have had the chance to have a wife even for only a short time. I was not going to live anymore after 40 years of loneliness and pain because all I wanted was a chance to be with someone and possible have a child. I can never have that . I'm 64 years old and the tears never cease for not having someone even for a short time in my life. Please appreciate what you have. I know your in pain , but I also know how much you have. I mean no harm because I know you hurt , but please be grateful for what you have had.

I've been going through a similar thought pattern... my wife and I have been having a lot of trouble with each other recently.  Well, we've been focusing on it recently... the trouble has been there the whole time.  I've been starting to wonder if this whole gender thing is just a way to make her pay attention to me... and if it is, and we split up... where does that leave me?  I've got too much self-control to commit suicide, but god, I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Quote from: stephaniec on April 05, 2016, 01:51:28 AM
I must say that from my perspective your very lucky to have what you have. You have what I've always wanted and will never have. I've cried endless tears over 40 years to have had the chance to have a wife even for only a short time. I was not going to live anymore after 40 years of loneliness and pain because all I wanted was a chance to be with someone and possible have a child. I can never have that . I'm 64 years old and the tears never cease for not having someone even for a short time in my life. Please appreciate what you have. I know your in pain , but I also know how much you have. I mean no harm because I know you hurt , but please be grateful for what you have had.

Stephanie,
You have been through so much and look at who you are, a wonderful, giving, selfless person whom cares for others soooo much.
Amore,
Look to Stephaie for guidance as she is an inspiration.
You have grown so much over such a short time, imagine what you can achieve going forward.

thanks

You're on the path towards strong, independent womanhood. But you've been through a lot of upheaval over the past year or so, so it will take a bit of time for you to adjust: you're only human! It's perfectly understandable that you're feeling hurt by your ex's rejection. She promised to marry you for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer; in sickness and in health... and then as soon as you told her you were in pain and needed her help, she decided that she didn't really mean those words after all.

It sucks. Awfully. My ex did the same thing to me too, and it broke my heart.

But you know what? Eventually, I figured out that my pain was being driven by my own neediness. It was caused by the fact that I felt reliant on him for his love, support and approval, and when he withdrew those things I felt hurt and betrayed, because I still felt like I needed and deserved those things and it was unfair that he wasn't seeing to my needs like he'd promised he would.

So the problem was one that I could do something about. Because the minute I decided to stop looking towards my family for the things I need, and to look within myself instead, I started to recover from feeling so awful. I realised I didn't need that loser for anything, least of all my self-worth and self-respect. I can and will do it myself if I have to... and the right person will be attracted to that inner strength and self-reliance and will respect me all the more for what I've achieved. I won't lie to you: it's a painful process and it does take time. But as soon as I started looking within rather than without, I started to recover from the pain. It can and does get better: you just need to start letting go of your ex and stop expecting her to fulfil your needs. You are your own lifeboat.

As for your daughter, it definitely sucks right now that you're seeing her so infrequently. When my folks divorced I also only got to see my Dad every fortnight, so he made it a special treat for us every time we went there. He'd take us to the movies; restaurants; theme parks; weekend braais; Jo'burg zoo; the Bunny Park etc. so we always had something fun to do when we were with him. So if you see her less often than her mother does, you can make the most of each visit and spoil her when she's with you so that you become the 'fun' parent, and Mom becomes the boring one who always tells her what to do. Then when you're in a better position and more established in your new life, you can get a lawyer and fight for more time with your daughter - who will of course want to spend more time with you if it's always fun to do so. You'll have more time with her, and she'll have the advantage of having a wonderful relationship with a much happier version of you.

Sorry for what you have gone through with your wife but it is not uncommon. Transitioning can cost a lot - relationships, jobs, money.
I lost my wife after 18 years of marriage. Lost my house, went bankrupt. Don't get much time with my daughter. I ended up being pretty much alone, pushing 50, without much of anything left - except a life that does not feel like a lie to me anymore. That is what I got out of the deal. No more dysphoria.
There is a huge life adjustment that happens and it is not easy to go through. You have to push yourself through it regardless of how hopeless it can feel at times. Keep going.