Hi, everyone! It's been a couple weeks. Not sure if anyone remembers me, but it's good to be back! I just wanted to give a quick update on how I've been, and to pose some questions that have me a little confused on my transition. It's been four months now, and overall, I am feeling a little better. I'm more calm, relaxed, and a teeny bit of my passion is back. Also, I must be blessed, because my cousin, God bless her, just reached out to me, and asked how I was dealing with the transition. She asked how she could help, and she said she wants to take me out shopping, to find my style, what works, and stuff like that. It's something I am so oblivious to, so I really appreciate her gester. Whether or not I'll be too nervous to go... That's another story.

Anyway, though I am feeling better, there are still some puzzling emotions I'm dealing with.

For starters, when I started my transition 9 months ago (hormones 4 months ago) I was so on top of the moon. Nothing made more sense in the world to me, and I was in euphoria. Now I barely feel anything. :/ It's like it brings me no joy anymore, but at the same time I don't think it brings me the opposite of joy.

I still feel weird, and out of body at times. It could be that I'm two months in weaning off an anti-depressant I was on for 9 months. I hope it's that! But it does feel like it started happening around the time my doctor got my hormones to a good balance. I wish I knew the answer. :/

I know sexuality has nothing to do with gender, but gosh I wish my attraction to women didn't have to confuse me so much. Every day, it's like "Do I want to just be with her as a guy?" or "Do I want to be more like her?" I hate it so much.

Should I be worried about the turn ons I get? I was shopping for a bra and panties today, and it really turned me on. Does that mean I'm just dealign with a fetish?

- Love Katie

The term fetish tends to be over used and abused. I know enough about you without reviewing your posting history to know that you are transgender and as such, what you are feeling is not a fetish. You are still exploring your feelings after having your body chemistry reworked and it will take time to understand them. In addition, I am unsure you aren't still recovering from the anti depressants. We have another thread running were somebody was on them for a much shorter period of time and I am beginning to think that they shouldn't be used on somebody who is transgender unless there are other issues that can't be explained by ->-bleeped-<-. It still a bit early to determine what you feel and I think you need to avoid judgement for a few more months until you are sure the anti depressants aren't clouding your judgement.

Quote from: Dena on April 04, 2016, 09:39:53 PM
The term fetish tends to be over used and abused. I know enough about you without reviewing your posting history to know that you are transgender and as such, what you are feeling is not a fetish. You are still exploring your feelings after having your body chemistry reworked and it will take time to understand them. In addition, I am unsure you aren't still recovering from the anti depressants. We have another thread running were somebody was on them for a much shorter period of time and I am beginning to think that they shouldn't be used on somebody who is transgender unless there are other issues that can't be explained by ->-bleeped-<-. It still a bit early to determine what you feel and I think you need to avoid judgement for a few more months until you are sure the anti depressants aren't clouding your judgement.

I could try my best to wait it out! I'm just getting so worried about everything. Like even looking at pictures of how much I've changed doesn't even give me much joy. :/ Am I just so used to it all at this point?

Well four months is pretty much nothing in the grand scheme of things, your body has only just started changing hormonal gears. Give it another six to twelve months and I think you'll be starting to notice more significant changes.

As to your euphoria or lack thereof, like anything exciting and new it will feel amazing at first, then the daily reality sets in. I don't know if you've transitioned to full time yet but I can tell you the first week I started living full time and going to work as Grace was pretty amazing. Two years later, even though I'm still very happy to get out bed each day I'm not ecstatic or euphoric. I still have to deal with the day to day realities of life. Transition didn't change a thing about that.

Also, overthinking is your worst enemy. Seriously you need to find a way to calm that down.

Hey, glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.
Sexuality is damn confusing which is why I am just putting it to the back of my mind till I am further down this crazy ride. I still get surprised and confused by how much my attractions and feelings have changed but I try not to analyse it and just experience it. Clarity will come with time or it wont but it doesn't matter.
I really believe I am working towards finding who I am and that is probably going to be very different than the target I initially thought I was aiming for. For someone who's always been an over-anxious, over-analyzing detailed planner this is strange but it feels right to me.

Hugs
Jamie

Quote from: RedheadWhovian on April 05, 2016, 05:07:01 AM
I could try my best to wait it out! I'm just getting so worried about everything. Like even looking at pictures of how much I've changed doesn't even give me much joy. :/ Am I just so used to it all at this point?

Right now it's not so much are you feeling joy but has the hurting been reduced or stopped. The joy will come latter when your new life is in place. Living with all the pain we felt in the past makes us somewhat numb so we don't feel joy over the small things in life. The numbness will wear off but it takes time.

It seems to me that continuous euphoria should not be expected and should not be a goal. Rather the elimination of dysphoria and the ability to live with a feeling of normalcy is an indicator that whatever treatment plan you are on is working as it should.


Sapere Aude

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 05, 2016, 05:50:17 AM
Well four months is pretty much nothing in the grand scheme of things, your body has only just started changing hormonal gears. Give it another six to twelve months and I think you'll be starting to notice more significant changes.

As to your euphoria or lack thereof, like anything exciting and new it will feel amazing at first, then the daily reality sets in. I don't know if you've transitioned to full time yet but I can tell you the first week I started living full time and going to work as Grace was pretty amazing. Two years later, even though I'm still very happy to get out bed each day I'm not ecstatic or euphoric. I still have to deal with the day to day realities of life. Transition didn't change a thing about that.

Also, overthinking is your worst enemy. Seriously you need to find a way to calm that down.

Haha I could write the book on overthinking! It's my worst trait. :/ But thank you so much for your help! I will gladly give it more time. You've helped stabilize my thoughts.

Quote from: lilijames on April 05, 2016, 06:54:56 AM
Hey, glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.
Sexuality is damn confusing which is why I am just putting it to the back of my mind till I am further down this crazy ride. I still get surprised and confused by how much my attractions and feelings have changed but I try not to analyse it and just experience it. Clarity will come with time or it wont but it doesn't matter.
I really believe I am working towards finding who I am and that is probably going to be very different than the target I initially thought I was aiming for. For someone who's always been an over-anxious, over-analyzing detailed planner this is strange but it feels right to me.

Hugs
Jamie

Strange is definitely the right word for it, as I am a similar type of person! It's hard to explain exactly how I feel. I feel as though I am over-analyzing myself less than I used to. Like I no longer live under a filter that I had to constantly keep on in front of society, and I exist now more than ever, rather than feeling like I'm playing some sort of role in a fictional story. Haha.

Quote from: Deborah on April 05, 2016, 08:51:56 AM
It seems to me that continuous euphoria should not be expected and should not be a goal. Rather the elimination of dysphoria and the ability to live with a feeling of normalcy is an indicator that whatever treatment plan you are on is working as it should.


Sapere Aude

Well I'd say I'm definitely leaning toward the latter! But I still get bouts of discomfort, where I feel pressured by the changes, or repressed in some way. Can't explain it. :/ Could be the zoloft withdrawal.