Hello everyone,

I've been struggling with my gender identity and questioning for a long time. I'm 23 years old and can remember having these thoughts since I was a child. I've never done anything productive about it and have found myself wandering around in circles for the majority of my life.

I feel like my story is not like the traditional transgender story. I don't have hatred for my male biological parts and make up, I just feel like I am a woman regardless. These thoughts do cloud me everyday and I spend most of my time thinking about it and trying to convince myself that I am, actually, trans; that this isn't just some random thoughts or "phase" I am going through, and that the crossdressing in private is a way that I can express my true self in a setting where I know I am not going to be judged or ridiculed.

I am a big reader and a big researcher. I read blogs and news and any other bit of information I can get about trans issues and dealing with these thoughts. Something I read that really spoke to me and really hit home was that everyone's journey and story will be different, and that if you don't match the traditional trans story, this doesn't mean you're not trans or "not trans enough" to consider embarking on this journey. That made me feel comfort in that I now feel like, yes I am trans, and yes I have a different story, but we all in the community are walking similar paths to a similar destination.

I can see the pattern in my thinking, now that I've started writing a journal. I spoke with an online counselor yesterday about my gender questioning, who made me feel really comfortable. They said things like "there's no rush to make a decision", that there are many people who feel the same way and can relate to the same thoughts and feelings, to "bringing love" to myself and "being kind" to myself throughout this journey. I know, for a fact, that I have been impatient, hurtful and unkind to myself, because I try and please everyone before me. I don't like to take the limelight from other people and stay in the background while others enjoy (passive).

My biggest challenge and biggest hurdle is self-acceptance and love. It's becoming a slight bit easier each day to understand myself and accept that I did not choose this, but I can choose how it is resolved. I always feel the need for validation that my thoughts and feelings are right and not just some fictional, made up "fantasy" or phase I am going through, and to not feel like such a horrible person for keeping this secret from my family, friends and girlfriend.

I am proud that I did have that online chat yesterday with the online counselor. It's not much, but it is something. It's a step forward, instead of standing still. They gave me some resources about trans and crossdresser groups in my area.

I guess there are a million and one ways to progress down this journey of self discovery. In the end, it is up to me how I progress and what path I walk, which is so daunting. I have some many questions and conflicting thoughts floating through my head!

How does a gender therapist help in this journey, if I already have a feeling or know that I am trans? Do I really need to prove to someone that I am trans to make progress on this?  I don't have the stereotypical trans story as a lot of people do, so I'm scared that they won't help me or that they'll tell me something I don't want to hear.

I feel like HRT would be right for me, but what if they think they it won't? Am I going to be forever stuck like this and never actually happy and expressing my real self? And then, finding the right time to talk to my girlfriend about changes she's going to see in me and not hurting her is another massive hurdle for me (being the people pleaser that I am). What if I don't look as feminine as I'd like or think I would? Would I be able to cope with that? Or does that make me too "shallow"?

A thousand and one questions from one confused, anxious and scared girl.

Karlee.x

You are correct. No two people have the same experience. And who really knows if we feel the same way? You are just experimenting at this point so it may be a while before you figure out where you are and what you'll want to do about it. In the mean time, enjoy yourself.

Karlee - know that you're not alone in your thoughts and I saw a therapist who was no help at all. Thankfully I'm seeing a new one next Thursday. We are women inside and no one can tell you that, except ourselves. People are going to think what they think - and people are entitled to their opinions. Good or Bad - people are going to judge, make their own assumptions, etc. There are too many people to worry about what "they" think. The one voice, the one person you need to answer to is yourself. Do you feel like a woman? Would you be happier as a woman? Then yes, you are a woman. Straight guys don't think that way. This tipped me off that I have never EVER in my life, felt like a manly-man, even though I've been blessed with a body of a bouncer. No tool-belt around my waist, no saw, nothing made me feel manly - and I've come to realize that I'm not manly because I'm not a man. I have the parts, but inside, I'm a woman. I know that now. Sadly - there's a lot of problems that come with this epiphany, but if you work through them - you can be true to yourself - and that's what matters. Hope this helps!

<3
Jess 

My experiences with therapists have been hit and miss.... mostly miss. I'm seeing one now to help me deal with pain management without narcotics and she wants to delve into all the historical stuff which I dealt with long ago. My third appointment is on Thursday. If we don't get to the pain management issues then, I'll politely go away.

So, whatever you do, don't let a mismatch with a medical professional make your life miserable. But let them challenge you. We do need a little of that. It helps us to be introspective and understand just how dead set we are.

Thanks Jessica_W and Cindi for your thoughts! I just know that I always get the best support and advice from the girls here.

I can totally relate to what you're saying Jessica! I always thought the same about straight guys and those non-questioning never think of this. It kind of helps me go in the right direction when I look at it like that. I hope you have much success on your journey. Thanks for your support.

Cindi, I think you're spot on. I think if they can challenge us, it only makes us stronger and want it more! I hope your next session goes well and you see some good progress towards your goals.

My thoughts have transformed into dreams, now. I dreamed about coming out and being accepted by everyone in my family. I got told that I looked beautiful and feminine! I dreamed that I was on hormones and making progress. I guess if that's not an epiphany, I'll never have one!

Thanks girls!

Karlee.x

Depending on your insurance, doctor, and state/country you live in you may need a gender therapist if your goal is hrt if you decide on surgeries then yes you definitely do at least in the US but that's a few years out for you theres rules surgeons follow they dont have to afaik but the good ones will. However for hrt if your state has a informed consent clinic letters aren't needed.

After questioning, struggling ans hiding for years i finally found what i think is the right therapist.  Believe me it took multiple times before i felt comfortable.  We all know the struggle and some of us older girls have lived it for decades.  If you just keep searching the answers will come and when they do you will feel amazing.  Just go at your own pace and do what is right for you.

Hugs

Here are a few resources that could help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207421.msg1839803.html#msg1839803


*hugs*

Thank you for all your insights, I really appreciate your help! Your information, experience and resources have been so helpful!

I have taken a step forward in seeking help. I found an "online chat" counsellor who referred me on to an organization who specialize in mental health for young people. The counsellor said that having this chat with a therapist in real life will be a good step. So I'm just waiting on a call back from them to organize a session.

It's quite an intimidating feeling! I had enough trouble speaking on the online chat...I was nervous and anxious, heart pounding and butterflies just typing it out, let alone saying it out loud to a person in real life!

But this is something I need to do to feel better and finally work it all out.

Thank you for listening to me. It's nice to have wonderful people around who take the time and care about me.

Karlee.x

Quote from: Karlee on April 07, 2016, 05:04:13 PM
Thank you for all your insights, I really appreciate your help! Your information, experience and resources have been so helpful!

I have taken a step forward in seeking help. I found an "online chat" counsellor who referred me on to an organization who specialize in mental health for young people. The counsellor said that having this chat with a therapist in real life will be a good step. So I'm just waiting on a call back from them to organize a session.

It's quite an intimidating feeling! I had enough trouble speaking on the online chat...I was nervous and anxious, heart pounding and butterflies just typing it out, let alone saying it out loud to a person in real life!

But this is something I need to do to feel better and finally work it all out.

Thank you for listening to me. It's nice to have wonderful people around who take the time and care about me.

Karlee.x

Try to relax ...
take a few deep breaths ...
you probably will laugh when you think about it in a few years 

Congratulations 


*hugs*