Just thought I'd post some thoughts. I came out to my family and let them know who I really am. Everyone said things like "It's ok we support you" "Why didn't you come out sooner??" and "We love you no matter what you decide to do in life"... It felt great. I wasn't expecting such positive reactions from everyone. Then came the war..
After my coming out had become known.. loved or hated by all.. The questions started coming. "Will you change your name?" "Cut off your penis?" "get a boobjob?".. and I was patient. I answered everything as calmly as possible even when the question's answer was no one's business. I just kept telling myself "it's ok, they don't understand but at least they're trying."
Almost a year went by. I was presenting as female at home while living with family. Everyday when I got home from work I went straight to the bedroom, grabbed some girl clothes and makeup and headed to the bathroom for about an hour.. As far as anyone could tell that came to visit I was a girl. It was great.. Except for the pronouns.
Absolutely no one that I'd come out to would use "she" or "her" for me. I blamed it on the oldschool nature (bikers) of my family. Thinking it would be ok.. At least they support me.
Time went on.. I came out to all my friends. Same treatment. But it was ok.. At least they support me. Right?
I started spending most of my time in the gym. Started tanning. Bought corsets and made padding to support a more girlish figure. Watched hundreds of videos on makeup and nails and.. jesus I think I turned into a crazy person for awhile. I thought maybe I just looked too much like a guy.. Maybe that's why they won't use the right pronouns. It's just a couple words though.. no big deal. Nothing to get bent about. At least everyone supports me.
I lost 20 lbs and wasn't even overweight to begin with. Grew my hair out and got it cut just the perfect way I always dreamed of. I love my hair.. It helps cover my stupid face.. I hate my jaw, my figure, my voice and everyone that.. nah I'm being selfish. My friends and family support me. They just don't see the girl inside of me that's screaming her face purple and may soon implode.
2 years passed. I put all my girl clothes away. In a suitcase packed away in a closet. At that point I decided I hated my friends and family. I was tolerated. Never supported. Not a single person in my life other than my wife supports me. So I moved. I live 1800 miles away from all of them now. Because if people can't even call me the right pronoun.. they obviously aren't supporting me. They just look at me and wonder why I chose the cup size I did.. and how I reduce the "bulge".. They just wanna poke me and ask the same questions I answered a week before that they can't remember the answer to. I've started my life over in another state with my love.. Far away from anyone that will tell me I'm just being selfish or stupid or going through a damn phase.
I realize I've grown hateful. But I can't help it. I've feel betrayed by everyone I grew up with. Somehow though, I'm smiling. Not because I'm crazy.. But because I'm about to reopen my suitcase.
