Last night I went to our local Gender-Free contra dance, because I want to dance as a woman and no longer feel comfortable dancing the man's role, but don't yet feel comfortable enough with asking people to treat me as a woman to go to my regular dances.  (It was also my first attempt at dancing since I slipped on the ice in January and sprained my ankle and tore some muscles and such.)  The last time I went, a few months ago, I found that I really enjoyed letting my partner lead me in the swings and courtesy turns and such and simply concentrating on being responsive and light enough on my feet to be easy to lead.  I also liked having other people ask me to dance, rather than having to always be the one to put myself forward.

Anyway, to make a short story long, at the beginning of the evening I felt okay.  I had some really nice partners who danced well, and while the dancing quality of the other people in the contra set varied, there were plenty who knew how to "give weight" so you feel more like you're floating through the figures instead of playing bumper cars.  But as the evening wore on, I started feeling more disconnected from the other people there, until an hour and a half later, I started feeling like, "who am I kidding?  They're being polite by calling me <new name>, but all I look like and all I feel like is a stupid ugly man in a dress."  If I were capable of crying, I would have been crying by the end of that dance.  When it was over and people started lining up for the next one, I gratefully put on my street shoes, said my goodbyes to the few people I knew who weren't in the next dance, and set out for the 2 hour trip home.

This is leaving me feeling pretty discouraged about my transition.  I still know that all other courses my life could take are stale dead ends and this is pretty much where I have to go, but at least at the moment, the joy is gone.  Inside of myself, when I'm alone and can forget anyone else exists, I'm just me, neither male nor female, but when I go out into the world, I have to decide who I'm going to be -- what role I'm going to play.  The male role has proven to be a bankrupt dead end for me (and never fit me anyway), but to perform the female role, I have to believe in what I'm doing.  I have to own it.  If I go through this process believing at some level I'm just a fraud, it's not going to go well.

What you are feeling isn't uncommon and to some degree I had the feeling that i was impersonating a woman early on. As you are out more in the world and receive more positive feed back from others, that feeling will fade. Like breaking a bad habit, the mind take time to adjust to the new role and given time, the feminine role will become more natural.

Quote from: Asche on April 09, 2016, 08:20:43 AM
I'm just me, neither male nor female, but when I go out into the world, I have to decide who I'm going to be -- what role I'm going to play.  The male role has proven to be a bankrupt dead end for me (and never fit me anyway), but to perform the female role, I have to believe in what I'm doing.  I have to own it.  If I go through this process believing at some level I'm just a fraud, it's not going to go well.

Hi Asche,

Sweetie, if it's any consolation, I feel much the same way.  As Dena says, it's not just you.

I think Dena is right. Attitude has a lot to do with it. I'm semi-passable, and last weekend I went out for the whole day dressed as a woman.  It was my first time, but it went as well as I could have asked.  No stares, no double-takes.  I interacted with several people at stores and restaurants, and never got a funny look. I was surprised how relaxed I was.  I just felt it was my time.  Plus, I was with my best friend and she kept me feeling positive whenever my confidence would start to crumble.

I know this doesn't fix your confidence, but I just wanted to tell you I love your posts, and I support you in my heart. Hang in there, girl.  It will get better.

With kindness,

Terri

To feel more comfortable, you either need to meet more of your requirements, or remove more your requirements that permit someone to wear a dress and dance.

(I'm sorry for being terse, but I'm in hurry. I wish you the best though.)

I could just be projecting my own dysphoria onto them, but I think there are a lot of cis women who feel awkward about physical activity and dancing. Everyone has those feelings. I've been told that a good chunk of being good at dancing is confidence. if you're a woman, you'll never be a man in a dress. you might just be a tall woman or a shy woman or a clumsy woman... none of those things are inherently bad

I still feel like this sometimes, particularly if I'm in cruise-y parts of town or gay bars. Some of the events at the main lgbt center where I live also make me feel like that. Even when I forget that I'm trans there are guys out there who are more than happy to remind me and to make it clear how grossed out they are. Where I live transgender people are not rare or invisible, so most people are aware of the signs and how to clock us.

I think I do own who I am but there are certain people who will always reject it. It hurts and I'm sorry it happens.

I clicked on this thread by the way because so so so many people assume I'm mtf and make ignorant assumptions. People criticize how I act and walk and talk and try to tell me I'll never be a real woman if I don't do x y and z. It's exhausting and I feel for you. I hope you can find ways to keep it from getting to you.

And of course Peep is right that lots and lots of women aren't pro at dancing.

Just to clarify something: I have no doubts about my ability as a dancer.  I've been doing it for a long time, much of it doing harder stuff than Contra.  Switching to the woman's role ("follow", in gender-free dance parlance) is something of an adjustment, but I've done it before and think I did decently, especially considering the not-yet-fully-recovered ankle.  And I've been wearing skirts and dresses exclusively for dancing for over a decade (not to mention elsewhere), so that isn't a problem.

What's hard is asking people -- especially myself! -- to see me as a woman while doing it.  Telling people my name is <new name>.  Writing "she, her" on my name badge.  Saying I'd rather not dance "lead."  When I look in the mirror, I still can only rarely imagine I'm seeing a woman.  I keep imagining people are seeing a big hulking man pretending to be a woman and simply humoring me.

And no one, no one gave me any grief about it.  I could not imagine how they could have been any nicer about it.  It's really all in my head.

But then, it always has been.

Quote from: Felix on April 09, 2016, 10:55:38 AM
.. so so so many people assume I'm mtf and make ignorant assumptions. People criticize how I act and walk and talk and try to tell me I'll never be a real woman if I don't do x y and z.

That must suck.

Quote from: Asche on April 09, 2016, 11:41:58 AM
That must suck.

It's honestly okay if I just never bring it up and they aren't clued-into the lgbt community. Half the random strangers I meet are civil and think I'm a really nice polite clean-cut young man. It often starts being a problem when they see a girl who is taller than me call me "daddy" and then want to know if we have some kind of sexual thing going on or if I'm a kidnapper or something. Then when Leah tells them I'm trans they never have any idea that transmen exist and that's when I get chewed out about how bad I am at being a woman. Or congratulated on gay marriage because that's the only thing they can think of.

Quote from: Asche on April 09, 2016, 11:38:40 AM
When I look in the mirror, I still can only rarely imagine I'm seeing a woman.  I keep imagining people are seeing a big hulking man pretending to be a woman and simply humoring me.

Hugs, my friend. This burdens us all to some extent.

Some of it will dissipate as you get used to your female presence.

But not all of it. The unhappiness with your physical self is tough to get past. Here are some ideas:

* Get angry. Get upset about the binary expectations of society that demand that woman look a certain way. Find your way to the I-am-a-woman-doggone-it-so-however-I-look-is-feminine place.
* Find serenity. Pray for it if necessary (I pray to my inner spirit since I'm not much for God). Pray to be at peace with your physical self, and even to appreciate it as beautiful and special. It's a hard place to get to, but you can find it if you look.
* Fixate on something. Put some feminine touch into your appearance - a nice piece of jewelry, undergarment, footwear - something that you can look and say "at least one part of me looks exactly the way I want it to. I did this with my fingernails before I went full time. I could look down at my hands and say, these are the hands of a woman.
* Find things that nurture the feminine side of your soul. I've done a lot of listening to music, reading chick lit, watching romantic comedies, and building friendships with other women.

I hope you find something here that can help you.

This is why I'm waiting to start presenting myself.

I know how I feel. I know what I used to be like and what I'm like now. I can't wait for the tax season to be over so I can start getting myself in order. I have to wear men's clothes at work and it has become super unpleasant. I just don't want my clients thinking "This freak is doing my taxes?" despite that my mannerisms (and apparently speech pattern) is feminine. I just get quiet and stoic if anyone seems uncomfortable.

For once I look forward to getting dressed up for work, but I worry that next year I'll still not be able to pull it off.

I fully understand this. I also have a habit of bullying and teasing myself. I spend much of my time combing my emotions and thoughts for some kind of "proof" that I am just a man deluding himself into believing otherwise.

I also worry that I am somehow doing damage by questioning my identity. I wish there was some way to prove I am trans with a brain scan or a blood test; Of course I know there is not, But there may be in the future of common sense prevails.

I don't know if this is of any help at all, but when I feel down about not 'looking how I should' for my gender, I remind myself that that doesn't change the fact that I am my gender. In my case, whether or not people see a non binary person, or they see a man or a woman, doesn't change the fact that I am a non binary person. I do wish I was androgynous enough that people wouldn't be able to 'decide' what my gender is though, so I can understand what you're saying.

I am often uncomfortably reminded that most people see me as a woman. And it's hard, it's debilitating, even. I had to hide during my shift at work for 10 minutes or so, just to calm down, because the word 'lady' was used to describe me too many times in quick succession. I'm still upset by that, but the only way I'm carrying on and able to type this to you, rather than crying in my room, is that I constantly remind myself that regardless of how I look, regardless of how other people might see me, it does not change the fact that I know my gender and I am my gender. People may perceive me incorrectly, and refer to me incorrectly. But they don't know me; I know me.

Quote from: Asche on April 09, 2016, 08:20:43 AM
This is leaving me feeling pretty discouraged about my transition.  I still know that all other courses my life could take are stale dead ends and this is pretty much where I have to go, but at least at the moment, the joy is gone.  Inside of myself, when I'm alone and can forget anyone else exists, I'm just me, neither male nor female, but when I go out into the world, I have to decide who I'm going to be -- what role I'm going to play.  The male role has proven to be a bankrupt dead end for me (and never fit me anyway), but to perform the female role, I have to believe in what I'm doing.  I have to own it.  If I go through this process believing at some level I'm just a fraud, it's not going to go well.

Well I think you're right, you have to believe in yourself and go for it because half measures won't cut it. But I would do it because it's the only path remaining that is untrodden. If there's happiness, it's going to be on that path somewhere if you haven't found it down the other. And we don't walk those paths for anybody else to approve of, or for anyone else to feel comfortable with, we do it for ourselves.

I've always felt it's kind of impossible to delude one's own self when you are searching for the answer. Other people might think you are trying to, but you are searching for the appropriate truth, for you. So I don't think you can go wrong doing that. None of us can be fraudulent beings really if we are looking for the right place to be. We exist, we only want to exist while feeling more natural... to do so is the expression of honesty and reality if you ask me.

Lots of good stuff above, and it's really worth remembering that it's not what you look like but who you are that matters, but I'd also add that some of the Youtube videos on transition are worth watching if you just need some optimism.  There are some that start off in what you're absolutely *sure* are going to be complete hopeless train wrecks...and end with some very attractive people.   

one way to look at it is to try to be thankful for the advantages that you do have.  here in USA we have access to support groups, therapists, hormones, doctors, plastic surgery and electrolysis and laser.  in the worldwide community of transgender women this is not always the case. there are communities of transgender women in poorer countries who can barely afford the feminine clothes they wear full time and food for their communities.  forget about hormones or any of the other advantages that we sometimes take for granted here in the west.  and some of these communities go back thousands of years being part of their larger society and ancient culture.  can you imagine having a black, full beard and the best you can ever hope for is to afford a razor to shave with and then terrible 5 0clock shadow right after you shave?  and yet they live and thrive and share the joy of being openly their true selves in a supporting environment of others like themselves.

Can I give you some of my personal thought and experience ?  First, the reasons we dont just script for meds, and  an appointment for surgery in the first week, are many.  We need to develop confidence in our new roll.  Learning to act, dress and think like a woman is a major part of the process. Gaining the confidence to  pursue this journey is also part of it all.  At first I stuck with what I knew or, was comfortable with,and took baby steps.   At first I could not leave my house, I worked that till I have been out every where in my town as a woman , and further into places all over the north american continent.

Confidence of my look is great when I see a reflection in a mirror or a window. seeing my picture , not so much. I try to keep my confidence by doing things I am good at,  for me dancing is not high on the list( could not dance in previous life).  I have other skills that i feel really good about.

  It is not easy and takes a ton of effort, but you will be rewarded. Hope this helps

Quote from: Asche on April 09, 2016, 08:20:43 AM
Last night I went to our local Gender-Free contra dance, because I want to dance as a woman and no longer feel comfortable dancing the man's role, but don't yet feel comfortable enough with asking people to treat me as a woman to go to my regular dances.  (It was also my first attempt at dancing since I slipped on the ice in January and sprained my ankle and tore some muscles and such.)  The last time I went, a few months ago, I found that I really enjoyed letting my partner lead me in the swings and courtesy turns and such and simply concentrating on being responsive and light enough on my feet to be easy to lead.  I also liked having other people ask me to dance, rather than having to always be the one to put myself forward.

Anyway, to make a short story long, at the beginning of the evening I felt okay.  I had some really nice partners who danced well, and while the dancing quality of the other people in the contra set varied, there were plenty who knew how to "give weight" so you feel more like you're floating through the figures instead of playing bumper cars.  But as the evening wore on, I started feeling more disconnected from the other people there, until an hour and a half later, I started feeling like, "who am I kidding?  They're being polite by calling me <new name>, but all I look like and all I feel like is a stupid ugly man in a dress."  If I were capable of crying, I would have been crying by the end of that dance.  When it was over and people started lining up for the next one, I gratefully put on my street shoes, said my goodbyes to the few people I knew who weren't in the next dance, and set out for the 2 hour trip home.

This is leaving me feeling pretty discouraged about my transition.  I still know that all other courses my life could take are stale dead ends and this is pretty much where I have to go, but at least at the moment, the joy is gone.  Inside of myself, when I'm alone and can forget anyone else exists, I'm just me, neither male nor female, but when I go out into the world, I have to decide who I'm going to be -- what role I'm going to play.  The male role has proven to be a bankrupt dead end for me (and never fit me anyway), but to perform the female role, I have to believe in what I'm doing.  I have to own it.  If I go through this process believing at some level I'm just a fraud, it's not going to go well.

Hi Asche,
I think you are amazing that you ventured out and danced how you wanted. I am very sensitive and take things personally. We beat ourselves up more than others ever will.
You need to be proud of what you have achieved and it sets up the next outing. I will never be passable but I like who I am and will do the best for me whenever I can.
Go out dance, enjoy, live and love who you are as we need that before anyone else can.
Believe in you and love yourself.

Hugs

Sue