To preface, I'm not out yet, though I may be going on hormones soon.
I am separated from my wife, who walked out 9 months ago. (conservative catholic, what?) I get my son 50% of the week. Plus I work a part time job (since I haven't been able to land anything better). So the time I can spend fully dressed and being myself is limited. I have to wear the boy mask at work, and when my son is with me. Now, I'm terrified to tell him for now, and that won't be changing anytime soon. I love him unreservedly, and I'm terrified of him turning on me, or of his mother using my trans-ness to turn him against me.
What I've noticed is that by the time I take him back, I'm a mess. Usually I'm in a despairing state, depressed, kind of, and that I'm going through the, what do you think you are doing, this is wrong, you need to just buckle up and be a proper dad and set an example for the kid of how to be a man, and so on. And how can I even THINK about hormones, that's nuts!
But then, after he's gone and when I'm not at work, I of course can't help myself and it's right into being a woman again, clothes, attitude, and so on, and it's a sigh of relief, a big smile because I get to be me again, and an intense longing to be the woman I am, to the point of going on hormones like right this very instant if I could.
If any of you are in similar situations where you have to wear the boy mask, how do you deal with the emotional roller coaster? If I go on hormones will some of this go away? Any help is appreciated.
