So, I've got a regular support group that I go to most weeks. I'm not really in a place where I need support right now; I'm happy and confident in my identity. I mostly go to the group to help others and to be a part of my community.
Since I'm not out at work, I tend to dress 100% femme on the weekend... I've got all these great clothes I love to wear, and no chance to wear them! I put my hair up into a crown braid, figured out my outfit, and then puttered around on my computer until 5 minutes before I needed to leave... threw on a little makeup and ran out the door (this is major progress -- I actually got eyeliner and mascara on in under 3 minutes, and it didn't look like utter crap). As I ran to catch the bus, I realized that I didn't have my phone. Oh well, I'd survive.
After I got off of transit, I noticed a couple of guys in a park as I walked by... one pointed to me and said something in a language I don't understand, and the other started chattering loudly and they both laughed and kept blathering away. Whatever... I look like a dude in a dress, so I kinda expect to get some of that.
At group, there was a new gal there. She was a bit on the older side... and my oh my, she has not aged well. I mean, she's gorgeous and passes quite well, but looks aren't everything. She had a problem with nonbinary identities. When I revealed that I don't identify on the binary, she directed her ire at me. I kept a smile on my face and rather enjoyed the exchange... she was truly and astoundingly transphobic, and really went out of her way to trivialize nonbinary genders. My favorite part was when she declared recognition of nonbinary identities to be tantamount to "socialism." I just laughed in her face for that one. Eventually she got tired of the fight and buggered off, and I barely resisted the urge to give her back a double-birdie as she left the room. I was in a good mood, but that impulse should have been a clue. On later reflection, I realized that I'd never experienced that much transphobia from anybody in my life... and from a frikkin' transwoman.
Unfortunately, none of my friends showed up to group and I didn't have my phone, so I took off. I took a route home that took me by my wife's place of work, as I knew she'd be getting off soon -- a nice surprise for her. Sadly, she was nowhere to be found and I had no way to contact her... so back to transit. On my way to the train station, I found myself going down a stairwell, and three guys were sitting around shooting the breeze on one of the landings... fer crap's sake, they started laughing about me too, one of them said something about shaving his a** and suggested that I did too. I'm a tough cookie, but I can't take on three 20 year-old guys in a confined space like that... I got a little nervous but just acted like they weren't talking to me and kept going, and they thankfully didn't escalate their efforts to harass me.
As I walked up to the platform, the train was stopped and people were milling about. Train was delayed for some reason, but that's why I've always got a book in my purse. Eventually, they cleared the issue and I get to my station. And of course, this being my special day, my bus was leaving right as I arrived. Next bus in 30 minutes... and my book only had 10 pages left.
So I was bored for the last 15 minutes.
On the bus... a guy got on, and took stock of the seating options before choosing. I was sitting a few seats away from a pretty teenage girl in a halter top, and he kinda leered at her, and then caught a glimpse of me. A woman was standing kinda awkwardly in the middle of the aisle, and he bullied past her to sit down opposite the teen, but spent most of his time staring at me. Yuck. I was so glad to have my huge sunglasses on... eye contact would have been gross. Really wish I had a few more pages to read!
Later that night, my wife and I went to a thrift store. I tried on a bunch of sleeveless tops, which tend to make me dysphoric... but summer is coming and I need cooler clothing. I didn't find a single thing before the store closed... and the all of the accumulated stress of the day hit me like a ton of bricks. We went home, and I just went straight to bed to hide under the covers sobbing. I tried to write this post, but only got a few words in before I lost steam and went to sleep.
To top it all of... I woke up in the middle of the night with diarrhea. Seriously!?
Worst. Day. Today was better. Duh.
