I never really thought about it from this angle, but I think I built too much self ashamed in my own self. Its like being a male is a protective shield I use to tell my family I am normal. I am ashame to being a woman and its not even family rejection I am afraid of anymore, to an extent yes, but I can deal with that.

My mother is split on the whole transgender issue since I remember less than a year shes mocking trans women, and then she gives counter opinion on that recently. Not sure if she change but doubt it. I could say it would be safe to be openly trans in my immediate family in 10-15 years from now (earlier today I was putting that off for 4 decades) I was even thinking death to my personality and just be a man till the day I die.

I feel like I been acting all my life, that the character I become is the real me. But I feel like I become a crude charicature.

Anyone feel self ashame of being trans or a woman in general?

To public, I dont care about their opinion.

I could not agree more with this post. I too feel the same way. I feel brain washed. 

I have managed to work through some of my self-hatred issues. But there is still much work to be done.

Perhaps one thing that might tell your more about this feelings of self contempt might be to look back into your past.

Because as a kid I remember events that these feelings stem from. I remember going into the girls bathroom at age 6ish (probably a year or so younger) and I was taken out of the bathroom by a teacher and humiliated in front of the other kids. This clearly had a mentally scaring effect and I became ashamed of my femininity.

I then took steps to hide behind my false male ID, Do you have any such experiences?

Being gay is embarrasing in my family more or less. Being transgender was look at as being a freak, until very recently, but still its look as being a horrible person in life.

I cannot escape my family... And i hate to say I wish to live my life but my they need to know every detail and if they dont they assume the worst. Its like I cant win. They tell me they love me and then call me weird for even for a non gender personality trait (they insist on posting pics of me online).

Sorry. I am realizing I need to quit feeling sorry for myself.


The world is between the ears after all.

Wild Flower,
You are entitled to get down especially when people say mean things. You can't allow yourself to stay down though. You have to keep in mind being positive and taking steps to get yourself to a place that is better for you. Find people who are supportive. You are not a freak or a terrible person for being trans. You deserve respect.
If you want to think in terms of blame, you had no say in being  trans. These other folks have no idea what you have to deal with emotionally. They have no right to judge you. (Unless you act like a jerk) After many years of being ashamed, I am learning to be proud. I'm really starting to get very mad at the mean folks who mock trans people. Find a way to feel proud of who you are. Don't panic if it takes a while to get there.
Good luck!
Moni

The first experience I had was in the third grade, and after that I began to assess every mannerism, tone of voice, way of sitting, standing, walking, running, everything I did, or didn't do, for any trace of femininity. I built a pretty excellent facade, one that even I believed for a very long time. The closest people to me throughout my life had never seen anything remotely feminine in me right up until I came out to them. It was my suit of armor, and it was exhausting and miserable.

I don't think I ever hated the feminine part of myself that I kept hidden, but I was scared of it even without fully knowing what it was. I think my male self is the only reason I'm still alive, but I hate the price I paid for that, and how much of my body is still his. One of the few things I have in common with my former male self is how much I enjoy destroying it.

My male persona was my protector, my shield.  He had a job to do and he did it very, very well.

When I grew up in the 1950's a feminine boy didn't have a chance.  My mother, and others, sometimes asked if I wanted to be a girl (I don't know how they knew), but I always denied it.

It was only after retirement, when my income and possessions were secure for life that I could let the girl come out.  I say girl because I can't claim womanhood.  After all I'm new at this.

I'm very grateful that my male persona took care of me and kept me safe.  It's time for him to rest now. 

Randi

Quote from: Wild Flower on April 11, 2016, 04:34:35 PM
Anyone feel self ashame of being trans or a woman in general?

To public, I dont care about their opinion.

Yes. I felt the same all my life. You are not alone.

Quote from: highlight on April 11, 2016, 05:30:14 PM
I feel brain washed.

I have managed to work through some of my self-hatred issues. But there is still much work to be done.

+1

QuoteI then took steps to hide behind my false male ID, Do you have any such experiences?

Ditto. Our own worst enemy is ourselves but this stems from our education, experiences and a society full of prejudices.

I've hated all my life the man behind whom I've had to hide myself. I loved the woman who was inside me but I was ashamed and scared when she was showing herself. Now I am proud of being this woman.

I was so hidden I didn't even realize the male part was a facade. It wasn't till this past year that I came to grips with thinking beyond the "you're just a pervert, you have to fight those instincts" inner dialogue. I wasn't even sure what the instincts and urges were telling me.

I have been dealing with years of self hatred. I am also trying to see everything in a more positive light. So, not there yet but I have a long path to travel.

Hope we can both find the female within without her experiencing the hate that has been in there too.

With warmth,

Joanna

Being an (almost) "Flower Child" of the 60's as well as the product of  relatively "Off the Boat" good ole blue collar people I will admit to a GOOD deal of internalized transphobia. Also known as I HATE myself for being trans, It sucks being trans. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It took me several years to loose a significant portion of the Guilt and Shame I have about being trans. I really doubt anyone really can completely loose it given how "Society", in general, views "Us". Even today in my "evolved" state, as my therapist it, I don't want to be trans. I'd rather NOT have to deal with it. And....

Though I know in my heart of hearts, "IF" the day came that I Needed to transition fully, I will, while holding my head up HIGH. Yes I am still ashamed being trans. I failed. I failed my mother, my father, my grandparents. All whom had high hopes for me as "a male".

I am GUILTY. I did nothing wrong. No more so then anyone else born into this world with some genetic/biological/developmental "syndrome". "I, Me Myself and I" did not do anything wrong. In the words of Lady GaGa... I was born This Way.


More So and easily confused with shame, I have a LOT of guilt about being trans, specifically in how the one true love of my life is affected. Shame and Guilt are often thrown into the same bucket.

They are Two Different Devils, both shouting into our souls while the angel whispers into the other ear.