Hello. I have been reading through this forum trying to find a solution to my twisted sick mind and I cannot find anything. I have spend thousands of dollars seeing 4 different therapists (3 of them with extensive trans experience) over the past 6-8 months and it seems I am no better off now than before I started.

The only thing I have been able to determine from this forum and my therapists is that I am the only one who can determine if I am trans or not. I am not even confident in making the right decision about what I want to eat for lunch, how can I possibly be qualified to decide something as incredibly huge and life changing as whether or not I am transgender.

My whole life I have lived with people second guessing every decision I have ever made. I have no confidence whatsoever in myself when it comes to making any kind of decision. There is no medical test I can take to determine if I am trans. How can I possibly know? I feel like a total freak, a Frankenstein, an abomination. The only thing I'm reasonably certain of is that I should have ever been born.

How do you know for certain you are trans?

J

To answer a question with a question, what are you doing on this site if you are CIS? I think you are but I don't know which flavor you are and that you will have to decide. You are one of the few I have encountered on the site who is resisting because you are uncomfortable with the future that it implies. Some can step back and live with the constant feeling but others resisting can become life threatening.

There is one medical way of testing this that is available to you. Start HRT, possibly with a blocker and low dose estrogen. If you feel better, you are transgender. If you feel even worst, you are CIS with other issues. Low dose will minimize the changes and it should be pretty reversible for the first 3 months. I suspect in 2 or 3 weeks you will have an answer.

There is nothing wrong with your mind or you. You were born this way and your brain just doesn't function properly on testosterone. If you need to, think of it as a birth defect that can't be corrected. You are no different than nearly all of us on this site and we have all felt to some degree what you are currently struggling with.

I never knew until I started HRT. It was pretty obvious after that.

Hi,

You make decisions every day.  Lots of them. Right or wrong, they are yours.  Own them.  If you are wrong, pick yourself up and move on.

Asking for opinions from people you trust is a good idea.  Advice is not second guessing. If they say "I told you so."  They don't deserve your trust.

Second guessing had the advantage of hindsight.  Its a lot easier to be correct.  Don't worry about that.

The vast majority of men do not question their gender.  That you are questioning is part of the answer.  But no, there is no test.

I wish there was.

Hugs

Jen

Just keep probing like the others above have suggested. Don't be afraid to try new things, be strong and courageous. Over time you will know.

When I say people always second guess me, I mean someone might ask me for advice on a subject I know a lot about and when I give the advice, it is either outright rejected or they just disagree with me saying "no I don't think so". And that is not from random strangers, it's from my immediate family throughout out my whole life. So as a result, I continuously doubt myself now.

If a doctor told me I had a terminal disease and had 6 months to live, I could understand that and process that. This trans business seems all backwards. I'm the one that has to tell the doctor whether I am trans or not. My mind can't process that way of thinking. The doctor is the medical expert, not me.

I can't imagine anything worse than being trans. I feel like a non person. Some sort of anomaly that doesn't fit in anywhere. This really genuinely sucks!

Quote from: jayne01 on April 13, 2016, 12:34:46 AM
When I say people always second guess me, I mean someone might ask me for advice on a subject I know a lot about and when I give the advice, it is either outright rejected or they just disagree with me saying "no I don't think so". And that is not from random strangers, it's from my immediate family throughout out my whole life. So as a result, I continuously doubt myself now.

Don't doubt yourself unless they can present a valid argument as to why you are wrong. People will often pretend to be experts in subjects they know nothing about. Make them earn you respect instead of giving it freely.

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If a doctor told me I had a terminal disease and had 6 months to live, I could understand that and process that. This trans business seems all backwards. I'm the one that has to tell the doctor whether I am trans or not. My mind can't process that way of thinking. The doctor is the medical expert, not me.

My therapist about 35 years ago said transsexualism is the only medical condition that is self diagnosed. We didn't understand the non binary in those days but it what he said applies to the non binary as well. Nobody can say for sure how you feel other than you so you are to only one who can say for sure what you are. From your story, I can get a pretty good feel but I don't know what flavor of transgender you are.

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I can't imagine anything worse than being trans. I feel like a non person. Some sort of anomaly that doesn't fit in anywhere. This really genuinely sucks!

I have said and I mean it, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Strange as it may sound, if I had the option of changing my life, I wouldn't.

Quote from: jayne01 on April 13, 2016, 12:34:46 AM
I'm the one that has to tell the doctor whether I am trans or not. My mind can't process that way of thinking. The doctor is the medical expert, not me.

Its absolutely true though. A psych could tell you if you had some other mental condition, but not this.

I spent a year trying to work it out, visiting a therapist a number of times. I wasn't getting anywhere, except more and more stressed. I started low dose HRT simply because I ran out of options and was getting desperate. I needed an answer. I wish I'd not been so stubborn now, but I guess didn't want to be trans and was looking for a way out.

HRT was a revelation for me. I felt amazing, and after while I tried to stop. That didn't go so well. So trans or not, I'm on HRT for good.

Quote from: Dena on April 13, 2016, 01:07:19 AM
Don't doubt yourself unless they can present a valid argument as to why you are wrong. People will often pretend to be experts in subjects they know nothing about. Make them earn you respect instead of giving it freely.

That is easy to say now as an adult. But as a child growing up, being constantly doubted kind of gets imprinted in the brain and is a very hard thing to shake. So being doubted right through childhood and adulthood seems like the norm. I understand what you are saying and it makes perfect sense. This is more of a case of teaching an old dog new tricks. To not doubt myself is going against my natural instinct.

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Nobody can say for sure how you feel other than you so you are to only one who can say for sure what you are. From your story, I can get a pretty good feel but I don't know what flavor of transgender you are.

I just don't know how I feel. When I think I finally get a handle on things and accept I am trans, my self doubt kicks in, I start feeling very ashamed and I convince myself beyond doubt that I am not trans, then I have some sort of meltdown and the cycle begins again.

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I have said and I mean it, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Neither would I. It is awful.

Quote from: jayne01 on April 13, 2016, 01:21:56 AM
I just don't know how I feel. When I think I finally get a handle on things and accept I am trans, my self doubt kicks in, I start feeling very ashamed and I convince myself beyond doubt that I am not trans, then I have some sort of meltdown and the cycle begins again.

Lets try to get around the problem by forgetting about it. Lets see if we can figure out what flavor you are.

In the ideal world, would you like to go all the way and have reassignment surgery or is that something you could live without.

How would you see your appearance? Very feminine, some what masculine or somewhere in-between.

Is there a possible that you are fluid/bigender instead of having shame drive the feelings away.

If you are having problems deciding this, check our Wiki for more detail.

Quote from: Dena on April 13, 2016, 01:38:32 AM

In the ideal world, would you like to go all the way and have reassignment surgery or is that something you could live without.

I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what an ideal world would look like.

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How would you see your appearance? Very feminine, some what masculine or somewhere in-between.

Again, that is a tough one. I see women out in public of all shapes and sizes and I often find myself wishing I was them. But when I see myself in the mirror, all I see is a guy. I can't imagine anything other than witchcraft and magic that could turn me into a woman. I have an enormous head even by male standards. Big hands. Big feet. Masculine, Neanderthal like bone structure. There is no way my imagination can see me as female. All I see is a freak.

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Is there a possible that you are fluid/bigender instead of having shame drive the feelings away.

I don't think so.

We can't know for certain what causes who we are, but we know our wants, and we can find words that apply to them. Therefore, I don't know why you and I want to be female, but the fact that we do, means the word transgender applies to us. As someone who has dealt with gender dysphoria their entire life, you can trust my authority (just kidding).

Personally, the cause of my gender doesn't make a difference to me. My gender simply dictates some of my preferences, and since my preferences are no better or worse than anyone else's preferences, I see no reason to attempt to destroy this part of myself. Life is prosaic enough, so why make it even more mundane?

Our existence is brief and arduous, so please don't waste time on questions that can't be answered and things that can't be changed, and make the best of your life.

Cis gender people by and large do not obsess about or over think their gender identity. If they do think about being the "other sex" it is usually fleeting and "just wondering what it would be like"...

Only you can decide if you are trans. I think you know already. If you are, the real question that needs an answer is "what do you do about it?" It sounds like you consider the fallout of you transitioning will be apocalyptic. Of course you don't know for sure but I can understand why you feel it would. And that's fair enough. But it sounds like you're pulling yourself apart over this.

Answer me this, if you could press a button and turn permanently into a biological woman, would you even hesitate? Most trans women wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't. But since I know I'll never be biologically XX female, as much as I'd wish otherwise, I've settled on full transition as my personal solution. It may not be the dream but it really is my best option for my needs and it is by and large pretty awesome, better than I had anticipated. Had I chosen not to transition then I would have had to find a non self destructive way to live with myself presenting as male in society.

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 13, 2016, 02:30:24 AM

Answer me this, if you could press a button and turn permanently into a biological woman, would you even hesitate? Most trans women wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't.

I have asked myself that many times. If there is a button that can turn me into a biological woman, then there must also be a button that can make the dysphoria go away and just be a normal guy. Either button would be equally appealing to me. I have seen many people's responses to questions like that. Blue pill/red pill, blue button/red button, etc. it seems as though all trans women go for the red button without hesitation. I seem to be the only one that doesn't care which button so long as the dysphoria goes away. I just want to be a normal person. My brain obviously works in strange ways. I think the most accurate answer for me is that I am just damaged goods.

I have even tried taking anti depressants to make the dysphoria go away. They don't work. They don't anything. I even still get depressed. The only thing they do accomplish is they seem to make it more difficult to let the depression out. It's just bottled up in my brain with no means of escape. I'm going to stop taking the anti depressants over the next week or two. I'll ease myself iff them.

You are a normal person.

You might not feel that way, but being conflicted about your gender does not make you abnormal... otherwise, by extension, we all would be too.

Being trans is like living on the wrong planet, swimming in the wrong sea - everything is geared to support cis gender function. The gender police don't like people varying from what they considered the "norm" - that is, sex organ aligned binary gender identity. Any "deviation" is to be scorned, ridiculed, feared, despised, disregarded... how can any trans person possibly feel OK about themselves and their gender identity living in such a toxic atmosphere? Personally, I've found that transitioning, has freshened up the air very nicely.

Tell me, if you were to decide you are trans and you were to transition what things do you fear will happen? 

Quote from: jayne01 on April 13, 2016, 02:46:50 AM
If there is a button that can turn me into a biological woman, then there must also be a button that can make the dysphoria go away and just be a normal guy.

You can spin it whatever way you want, the bottom line is most cis men would answer "no" to the first button and an even more emphatic "don't need to" to the second.

Quote from: jayne01 on April 13, 2016, 03:05:40 AM
I'm going to stop taking the anti depressants over the next week or two. I'll ease myself iff them.

You probably shouldn't do that without medical supervision.

Let me put to you a possible alternative way of looking at this.

When you can't make a decision about something you are like a tourist standing at a crossroads unable to determine which road to take. The trouble is if you stand there indefinitely you still wont know because no one else on the road knows which of the two destinations available you would like.

The only way to solve that is to choose a road and walk down it for a while and see if it brings you to a place you like. Now in your situation you seem to have been walking down the road which should lead to cis maledom for all your life and yet you still have these doubts - so its a fair bet that that may not be the right road - and that is why it keeps bringing you back to the crossroads or decision.

So one way to approach this is to try the alternative for a while and see where that takes you. If you dont feel better, then at least you will have then explored the territory and answered the nagging question, and if you do then its a good bet that you are doing something right.

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 13, 2016, 03:07:14 AM

Tell me, if you were to decide you are trans and you were to transition what things do you fear will happen? 

Where do I begin! I don't know the first thing about being a woman. I walk like a guy, talk like a guy, my mannerisms are male. I don't know the first thing about makeup, and I would definitely need some if I was not frighten little children. I have no fashion sense at all. But all those things pale in comparison to putting my wife in a position to have to accept me as a woman. I love her more than life itself and I can't bear hurting her in any way. My parents would be crushed, my brother would be hurt, my sister would probably be the most accepting besides my wife. I work in an all male engineering environment. I love my job, but the people I work with are very much 'guys' guys. They don't strike me as people that would accept a trans person as anything other than a mentally ill freak. I can't know that for certain, but I have heard comments they make when something comes on tv that is trans related, not very nice.

Basically it would be the apocalypse you mentioned earlier.

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You can spin it whatever way you want, the bottom line is most cis men would answer "no" to the first button and an even more emphatic "don't need to" to the second.

I didn't think of it that way. It makes sense.

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 13, 2016, 03:09:07 AM
You probably shouldn't do that without medical supervision.

I'm seeing my go next week for a follow up on the anti depressants. I don't have clinical depression. I was taking them more as a trial to see if they help at all. They are low dose.