Hello everyone,
My name is Holly, I am 44, 5' 6", from the UK and work as a network security engineer with a large IT company. Here is my story.
I have been aware that something felt different since I was 5 but the environment that I grew up in I never felt comfortable enough to speak about any feelings I had. These were the 1970's where you just didn't talk about that sort of thing and anyone who was different was ridiculed. All I could do was try and fit in and behave the way I was expected to leading to re-occurring bouts of depression, because I couldn't change anything. I also experienced constant 'noise' in my head with music, images and disembodied voices running through my mind at every waking moment. This only subsided if I was concentrating heavily on a particular activity and return as soon as I stopped. By the time I reached college the Internet was established enough for a few computers to be able to connect in the library. I searched for something like 'boys as girls' but the results brought up by Altavista were all porn sites such as ->-bleeped-<- Paradise and Chicks with Dicks. This just made me feel dirty and wrong because I did not want to be like them but my thoughts were very much about wanting to be in a different body.
I met my partner in 1999, who is 18 years older than me, and we married 2 years later. Within 5 years our marriage was over and we divorced a couple of years after that. We did, however carry on living together and still do as we get on far better as friends.
Through my adult years I tried burying myself in work and took on a hobby that started to lead to a business. Unfortunately, in both cases when I start getting successful the depression returned and destroyed everything I had built up. I put on weight, developed a cough and ended up on CPAP. Each bout of depression got worse over the years but many people just though that I was moody and unsociable. This was a useful smokescreen to stop people asking questions but eventually I had to go to the doctor. He put me on a low dose of Citalopram in 2015, which was increased to max in just a few weeks. By the end of the 2015 I could take 3 times that amount (the same as my sister-in-law with MS) and feel no effect.
Just after Christmas I blacked-out in front my grandson while we were playing a board game. (I had hit 16st, 224 pounds, by that point) and about a week I tried to commit suicide. After my partner found out she made me sit down and tell her what was really wrong. I finally told her my 40-year secret, deciding that if it didn't go well I still had enough tablets to make sure I wouldn't wake up the next day. This is point everything changed. My partner understood and told me that she would support me. She started to mentally piece together things that she had seen, heard and experienced in the time that she had known me and it all started making sense to her. The sense of relief that I felt can only be described as euphoric. For the first time the 'noise' in my head lessened and I began to set about watching, learning and understanding. I then chose my new name.
I went with my partner to my doctor in the middle of January having written my own referral to the Danetre Hospital (Gender Clinic, Daventry). My doctor was dumbfounded and had no idea what to do, so I also had to point him towards the NHS guidelines and GP responsibilities. I also asked him to cancel my Citalopram prescription as I no longer needed it. I have not had another anti-depressant from that day onwards but it was clear that I would have to manage everything myself until my first appointment at the Gender Clinic. I spent the next week getting a deeper understanding on the whole process and officially started to transition towards the end of January, telling immediate family, some close friends and my line manager at work.
At the beginning of February, I began stuff that I am not allowed to talk about here, but what I can say is that after the first week the 'noise' that had plagued me for as long as I can remember disappeared and has not returned. I called the clinic towards the end of March and they told me that I am unlikely to get a first appointment until September. Even though I order my blood tests through my own doctor and understand the results (as he doesn't for transgender people) I know that I am in a potentially dangerous situation. I discovered Dr Webberly, a registered medical professional and on-line gender specialist, who is now looking after me and am working with her to get my doctor to start issuing bridging prescriptions.
Everyone has noticed big changes with me. I actually smile now and have never felt so good. I have now lost 2st (28 pounds), 4" off my waist, changed my diet to healthy foods and go to the gym 3 times a week. The coughing has reduced by about 70% and I should be able to stop CPAP in about 3 months.
I discovered Susan's Place while I was doing my research into various transgender topics, including transitioning later in life, but I think what really got my attention was a forum topic called "Northampton GIC Referral - Rubber Stamped!" because it gave me an insight in to the people and processes at the clinic I had referred myself to.
My main interest is (was) multi-camera video productions, although I'm taking a break from that now and still deciding whether to continue). I also like to go to the theatre to watch plays and shows and volunteer at my local community theatre. I like a wide range of music but while my friends and work colleagues (some in their twenties) are all listening to classical, middle-of-the-road or easy listening, I have my headphones on listening to BBC Radio1!
Looking forward to making some new friends.
Love, Holly.
