I find myself vacillating between seeing myself as 'just a guy' and a 'trans guy'. I don't actually want to be trans. I don't want other people to know about my past, mention it to me in any way or make reference of it to anyone else. At the same time, I keep telling myself that there's nothing wrong with who I was. I can't erase the past and pretend I never lived as a woman, that I was someone's daughter or sister. And, more importantly for my long term self acceptance, I will never have all of the things that a cis male has physically. My body will change, but there are - at least for the time being - limits.

I am debating getting involved in the gender working group at my university. Becoming kind of a 'trans activist'. Do I want to do that? When I don't want to be identified as trans? Does it matter? I'm transitioning on the job, in a very small field. I've already published under my original name. Unless I switch careers entirely after my name has been legally changed, I'll always be 'that historian who used to be a girl'. I know, because people are constantly mentioning to me the few other people who work at my school who 'used to be guys'. The trans tag will just never vanish. I feel like I need to come to terms with that. But it is really hard.

I feel you on this. I don't know if when I'm fully passable I'll want to be a trans activist. I'd feel guilty not doing so but at the same time I want to move on with my life. Trans isn't a part of my personality after all. But then again maybe now that trans people are in the spotlight it's likely people will guess I'm trans due to my height or other 'tells'; so I'll just have to accept I can't escape the fact that I'm trans. I'll always be trans anyway because I have female chromosomes; no matter how far I physically transition. Plus being trans has made me more resilient and made me much more accepting of others which I'm thankful for.
I'm only almost 6 months on T; so I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and just take one day at a time at the moment.

There's nothing wrong with not being an activist. I have no desire to do it personally.  Yes, we need people who are out and fighting the fight, but not everyone can be that person. I'd be a terrible activist.

I used to really not know what I wanted, even when I started hormones. I'd waiver between "just a guy" to "transman" to "other". These days I see myself as a man who is transsexual. It doesn't seem like that would be any different, but to me it is, because man is the first part of that phrase.

Everyone has different ways of relating to themselves and their identity, and whether you chose to be just one of the guys, a trans guy or a guy who is trans, it's all fine. It's a personal thing.

I can't give any advice as to coming to terms with the fact that we have a large hurdle to overcome to be ourselves. I've become okay with myself, my body and my circumstances through time and a lot of reflection. What helped me the most was knowing that I only get one life, and I'll be damned if I don't live it well and to the fullest. It's not always easy to take my own advice, but on crappy days I just remind myself it could always be worse.


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How do you feel about it? Yours is the only opinion that matters. So be yourself. Be proud of your decisions.

Accepting being trans doesn't mean you have to let other people tag you as such though, you're not wrong to want to have control over how you're perceived. Being an activist shouldn't mean that you have to identify as a trans man instead of a man. I'm sure there are some trans men that are active in the LGBT community that people assume are there to represent the B or G instead of the T.

I struggle with the idea that I used to live as 'female' but I think (hope) that once I'm further into my transition it'll bother me less. It's not being able to express or realise my masculine identity that makes me reject the past so hard. There's nothing wrong with who we were, but I don't think its unreasonable for it to be difficult for a while.

I recommend you listen to episode 5 of this podcast. http://www.authenticaudiopodcast.com/all-episodes.html

He was in a very similar situation that you are debating with yourself now and I think it will help you. He explains the story of how he became an activist and why.

I feel exactly the same way. I hate people calling me a 'transguy' or 'trans', not because it should be seen as a derogatory term of anything just because I'm a guy. I wasn't born a 'transguy' I was born a regular guy that just happens to be biologically female. I don't identify myself, mentally, different from every cisguy out there. So I hate being called or treated different from them.

Before coming out I avoided photos like the plague. I didn't want evidence of who I used to be. I'm taking a year off now to transition before university next year so I will be a good 10 months on T and pass fine, and I don't plan on telling really anyone new I meet unless we become very close and situations will arise where I will have to tell them. (swimming etc)

That's something I struggle with as well. I'm fairly open about being trans and definitely willing to discuss my lived experience when asked about it respectfully. But it isn't something that I would want to be known for, and it's not an adjective I would want used to describe me in an unrelated context.

It's tough. I think a lot about doing another degree and starting to work in a different field. I'm already planning to move far away after my bottom surgery is complete. I'm sure I'll figure out a balance to it at some point.

I feel very much the same way and it seems to shift from one day to the next. Some days I'm totally fine with the way people see me, with knowing I'm transitioning, with identifying with being trans. Other days I desperately want to be "just a guy" and not have my past known. Like you've, I've also published under my given name (though I'm in comics, not history). So there's no hiding from it.

But I also have days where I just want to remove gender from the equation all together. I don't want to identify as anything. I just want to be me.

What I've come to learn is that accepting yourself is a constantly evolving process. A day-by-day process. And the most difficult part is it's incredibly different for every person who goes through it. It's just a matter of pushing through and not being afraid to be completely honest with yourself. It's that hiding from what you feel to be true that makes the acceptance difficult.

Although my transition was from male to female I had the exactly the same issues. I have well over 80 per reviewed papers in the scientific press, was/am well known and no doubt seen by some of my colleagues as the trans woman who use to be a guy.

To be honest it didn't bother me - much.

I did decide to become an activist, I had nowhere to hide, I'm 'mature' so no stealth for me and to be honest, I'm proud of what I have been through. It was a hell of a battle but now I'm finally me.

One thing I did do was contact the group at may University that looked after gender diverse people and offered them my help. We have an 'Gender Allies' group. Gay, lesbian, non-binary people who both students and staff can contact for help. We are officially sanctioned by the University and the Vice Chancellor is the Head of the group.

I am the only trans member and was greeted with open arms and love.

It had a number of  effects on me, one I met some lovely people who I enjoy as friends and colleagues, we can celebrate our 'differences' and we can help people. Secondly I became accepted at the University for another reason beyond my academia; I was a person who stood up for peoples rights. That lead to other opportunities, being invited to the anti-discrimination board; then another committee to help young woman in science develop their careers.

I gradually realised I was no longer seen as the trans woman Prof, but the woman who looks after people and helps people.

After now about five years, my colleagues also just see me as Cindy, a Pathologist who is good at her job. No new staff seem to be told that I once tried to be a man. No new registrars see me as anyone but a female Professor. So my past is being diluted.

I suppose what I have done is to hide in public and as I am not in the least ashamed about my past, I can't be outed. Because if I am, I don't care.

I guess I've come to see trans as a medical condition and I know from working with the disability community that while you may have to self advocate, you don't have to be the activist and you DON'T have to disclose your disability to people if you don't want to!

Trans ought to be treated like any other medical condition. It's not, because of this lingering hangover from delusions-of-godhood Neo-Freudian trained psychiatric professionals during the middle of the 20th century who had everybody, MDs included, convinced that innate gender (or "subconscious sex") is completely malleable, especially in childhood. Well, funny story, it's not; it's not even psychological, it's neurological. Sad trombone.

I think about what the deaf community has had to go through over the last two hundred years. Or people suffering from degenerative diseases like MS. Fighting paternalism, the medical establishment, and public misperception of their condition. That goes on to this day. Now for us, add the cultural-social baggage over belonging to a sexual minority.

I've identified as queer for a long time. I don't mind being trans and I'm feeling kind of weird about passing for cis. I don't want to be a straight white male ... think of the assumptions people will make about me then. I'm also an activist in my day to day life so I definitely intend to continue my activism on trans issues. It's important to me. I want the world to change. I feel odd about the choice to be stealth, like my whole life up to this point didn't matter? I can't really lie about who I am. Made a decision years ago not to and have been lucky enough to get employed and stay employed anyway.

I really admire and look up to trans activists like Patrick Califia-Rice and Kate Bornstein. Patrick Califia-Rice was well known as an activist and writer well before the transition.

I'm a nerd. I'm modifying my body. That's really sci-fi. (All my friends were nerds and not jocks in high school, so why change now?)

But Thomas, this is a personal question only you can answer. I have not yet gotten such rude questions as when I came out as gay in 1997, maybe I will in the next few weeks, or maybe not. I treat it as a teachable moment instead of the horrible insult it is. Nobody wants to be explaining their status constantly and I think in your case when you are on T and confident enough to pass that it's really only people who know you who will ask such intrusive questions. People on the subway didn't know I was gay (despite my best efforts re: horrible haircuts).

I go back to disability community. Some people with certain disabilities or disease incorporate that into their identity. Other people forcefully do not. I have autism. I know people with autism who call themselves autists because they feel like they are a different tribe from neurotypicals. I take a different attitude. I am a person with autism. I actually don't think we're that different and I don't want my autism to define me. We are lucky to live in a modern society where we can define our own social identities. HTH.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one going through this. I am so thankful for my friends here. And Cindy - I'm glad to know that things can get better