Hello everyone. I call myself Jenny (for now - might change at some point, not sure).

About a month ago, I came out to my wife. I told her that I might be gay and I wanted to wear women's clothing. At the time I really didn't know what I was feeling. I simply had an uncontrollable urge to come clean and say something.

Unfortunately, it didn't go very well. After 21 years of marriage I am now living alone in a hotel room waiting for the divorce to move forward so I can find a place to stay.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching since this happened and I have been working with a counselor. I think I have read almost everything on the web about transgender/crossdressing (ok, there's probably still lots I have not read yet but it feels like I have read lots). I even read the WPATH document from front to back. I have also been attending several transgender support meetings at a local gender identity center. These meetings have been incredible.

I started out thinking I was mainly just a crossdresser but lately, I am not sure where I am going. As a child, I remember saying to myself that I wished I was a girl. However, I cannot really say that feeling stayed with me as I grew up.

I do remember raiding my mom's drawers and trying on her panty hose and a skirt, but I never really did it past that until very recently.  When I tried mom's clothes, I remember walking around the house feeling wonderful and natural since I was home alone at the time. Fortunately I decided to go back to boy mode because shortly after I took off the clothes, the doorbell rang and it was my sister's boyfriend. Was I relieved that I decided to switch back when I did. It might have been the fear of getting caught that made me not do it again.

Recently, for some unknown reason, I decided to try on my wife's pantyhose and clothes when I was alone in the house one day. That must have thrown me over the edge because shortly after that was when I came out to her.

Since I have been in the hotel, I have purchased some of my own clothes and pretty much dress everyday and stay that way until bedtime with the exception of the panties which I wear 24/7.

So far, my story probably sounds like more of a crossdresser than transgender. However, after attending several of the meetings and from the reading I have done, I am not sure. I decided to go to the crossdressers meeting and honestly I felt out of place. It just didn't seem real to me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I then went to the transitions group and I felt completely at home and I felt I identified with the people there completely.

So now you know why I am confused. I cannot really say I have suffered from gender disphoria during my 51 years of life but at the same time, I look back on my life and wonder. I was never really one of the boys growing up. I didn't enjoy the things the other boys liked like sports (I know that's a stereotype) or other things like they way they looked at girls. I just didn't get it.

I don't think I was or am really gay but I have had thoughts of being with a man. Don't really know what that means either. Again, instead of sports, I excelled at theatre and band instead. Also, as an adult, back when I was single or even when I was in the military, I wasn't into the things the other guys around me were into like drinking beer and picking up women. I did meet a girl I really liked but it didn't last.

I still don't think I am gay because when I see a woman and a man on the street, I am not attracted to the man. I am attracted to the woman. However, I find myself getting very jealous of what the women get to wear on a daily basis and wish I could be like them or even be one of them so I could do the same.

The idea of transitioning intrigues me a lot but at the same time I am very fearful mainly due to my job, although the people at the transitions meeting said I might be surprised how it turns out. My other fear is that I am 6-2, 227lb (and dropping - working on losing weight really hard). Of course, I would be a very tall woman, although there is a trans woman at the meeting that is even taller and she seems to be doing fine. Just trying to figure out where my life is going and who I am.

Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks a million, Jenny.

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am sorry you didn't come to us sooner because we have a SO section that might have helped your wife, but it also might not have helped. It seems about half the marriages break up even with our best efforts.

I am 6'2" and 170 pounds but I have lived 33 years as a woman and height really isn't an issue. It seems the than women are growing taller than when I transitioned so I don't stand out as much as I once did. The other advantage is that clothing is more available in my size than it once was.

When you talk about cross dressing and your feelings, you open up a complex subject. There is the cross dressers who can comfortably return to boy mode when they want. There is cross living were the person lives full time as a woman but lacks the need for surgery. Then there is me, the Transsexual who needs to live full time and wants surgical reassignment. You should think about which of these you belong in but I am going to provide two links that might help you explore this. The first is our WIKI where you will learn about the spectrum of ->-bleeped-<-. The second is "the transition channel" where you will get into transsexualism more.

Feel free to ask me any questions you have on this thread and I will do my best to answer them.

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Thank you so much!  The videos are great. I said yes to many of her questions. I am thinking I am transgender more and more.

Jenny

Hi Jenny 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

hello, Jenny.

Welcome, I'm new here too, nice to meet you

Welcome, Jenny,

About tall women: I'm a female-bodied being. I have a strong memory from my teenage years; I was tall. My memory is of a six-foot-plus woman "lecturing" me on how wonderful it is to be a tall woman.

You have quite the journey ahead. I hope you can enjoy the self-learning and exploration as you figure out where you're going.

-- Sue

Hi Jenny,
I too am still wondering what I am, but decided enough thinking let's try, low dose hrt at first, then...
(I feel so good)

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 14, 2016, 10:31:24 PM
I still don't think I am gay because when I see a woman and a man on the street, I am not attracted to the man. I am attracted to the woman.

Funny that was the case for me also until very recently where I caught myself (literally) checking out the man while going by a couple. Then I noticed I definitely don't look at women the same anymore either. Hormones really are deeply changing me

Quote from: Dena on April 14, 2016, 10:47:50 PM
(...)There is the cross dressers who can comfortably return to boy mode when they want. There is cross living were the person lives full time as a woman but lacks the need for surgery. Then there is me, the Transsexual who needs to live full time and wants surgical reassignment.

I hope there are more categories than that Dena  'cause I fit none of these 
(I don't care anymore what I am actually, I'm trans and (finally) well in my skin)

adding: must admit I don't have like a real day job and colleagues to deal with, so that makes it easier, but it can also go unnoticed, or so I read here anyways

Jenny,
For many years, I tried to reconcile dressing in woman's clothes with feeling good about myself. I could just never achieve this. I was always jealous of people who could be so sure they were transgender. I never thought I was. After I finally got to the end of my rope, I started a process of self acceptance. I am now transitioning. For me, being transgender (more specifically, transsexual, as Dena says) is completely right. My point is, for some folks it takes a while to find the right path. Just because you don't have a history of pointing in a certain direction, don't let it throw you. The more you explore, the easier it will be to find your path to happiness.
Monica
 

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 15, 2016, 09:01:56 PM
After I finally got to the end of my rope, I started a process of self acceptance. 

I was the same, but even then I doubted WHERE I truly fell on the trans spectrum. It wasn't until I'd satisfied every last one of my "I can't really be more towards the transsexual end of the spectrum because of XYZ" arguments that I stopped denying who I was. The other clincher for me was reluctantly conceding that unless I took real steps to accommodate who I was, the anguish I'd felt for most of my adult life due to dysphoria would NEVER ease.

Thank you all for responding!  You are so wonderful!  I am looking forward to my counseling appt on Monday so I can talk to her about all I have read, watched, and thought of. I wrote some notes down over the last couple of days. Here is what I wrote. Please let me know what you think. I value all of your opinions so much. Thanks. Jenny.

I am jealous of women and what they get to wear

Am I transgender due to the fact that I am thinking about it so much and doing all this research?

Maybe I should try hormones to see what I think of them and how they make me feel.

I never have and hate my broad shoulders. I don't like seeing pictures of myself when they are apparent in the photo.

I don't like my back (it looks big) and I don't like all the hair back there. I have shaven all but my head and back, obviously I cannot reach my back. The hair is probably an inch long back there and brown.

I wear female clothes any time I am home alone(currently a hotel room).

When home alone, I have no desire to wear male clothes

Is crossdressing enough?

Am I transgender? Still not sure.

I did some of those online tests. One of them said in the middle of the gender spectrum a bit on the female side.  One said I am androgynous. Not sure about that one. Need to learn about it more.  If so, what does that mean?  Of course, I know I am supposed to take those tests with a grain of salt but it is still interesting.

I never played with girl toys. Only GI Joe as far as dolls.

I have never had maternal feelings. Never really considered myself female but I was never one of the boys.

I Love my female clothes. I don't go out. It's not sexual.

I love the slick feeling of panty hose on my clean shaven legs. Again, not sexual.

I wear woman's panties 24/7. I bought several more yesterday at Walmart.

I used to watch porn a lot when I traveled and was alone in my hotel room. Strange. I don't really have a desire to do that anymore. It could be related to the fact that I have Peyronie's disease. Look it up. It's similar (but very different) to trigger finger which I have had surgery for on three fingers so far and I think my thumbs are getting it too now. Both issues are common in diabetics which I have had since the mid 80's.

When seen recently by a doctor for my Peyronie's disease, they also mentioned testosterone replacement. I had to tell him and his female NP why I didn't want it. I meant to have my testosterone and estrogen levels checked but forgot to ask for it. Would be curious how much estrogen I have. I already know my testosterone is low.

As you can see I have been doing lots of thinking lately (really only about a month since this all came out). Thanks again for all of your invaluable advise and thoughts.

Jenny 💕

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 16, 2016, 02:03:59 PM
I am jealous of women and what they get to wear

same here

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 16, 2016, 02:03:59 PM
Am I transgender due to the fact that I am thinking about it so much and doing all this research?

probably, I mean exactly

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 16, 2016, 02:03:59 PM
Maybe I should try hormones to see what I think of them and how they make me feel.

That's pretty much what I did, but after 7 years of first searching, then holding it back (for particular reasons), I started on low dose of spiro, anti-androgen. I reacted very much right away and was caught in the spiral of: oh yes!!! I want more.

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 16, 2016, 02:03:59 PM
I never have and hate my broad shoulders. I don't like seeing pictures of myself when they are apparent in the photo.

I know cis women who are 6'3'' broad shoulders and yet are very sexy. That said I guess it's for everyone to figure their own path, and if the dysphoria is stronger than seeing yourself trying to be a woman with what you have. I don't know if I would have turned to HRT if I had broad shoulders, lots of body hair, etc. I just don't know.

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 16, 2016, 02:03:59 PM
I don't like my back (it looks big) and I don't like all the hair back there. I have shaven all but my head and back, obviously I cannot reach my back. The hair is probably an inch long back there and brown.

You may be surprised on how HRT can reduce body hair, maybe not the case for everyone but it does for me. And here again, I once met a cis girl, she was very cute, and she had thick brown hair on the lower part of her back, which surprised me when I touched it, but it was soft and then I didn't comment and went on doing what we were doing ;-) that was real long time ago haha memories...

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 16, 2016, 02:03:59 PM
I wear female clothes any time I am home alone(currently a hotel room).

cool hey?

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 16, 2016, 02:03:59 PM
When home alone, I have no desire to wear male clothes

Is crossdressing enough?

Am I transgender? Still not sure.

Enough? I never really did, I'm just feminizing my look more and more and little by little (past 7 years, then crescendo since hrt). Will dress if I feel I can pass, otherwise, I'll remain androgynous, and telling you that, I have no idea... I'm new here, I don't know in which little box of the trans spectrum I may fall and I don't really care, the steps I took make me feel good, and yeah, I guess if they wouldn't, I could go back, stop it all and try to be a man again (barely have boobs, so...). I don't know if what I tell you makes sense, please correct me if I'm wrong anyone

Very good points, Soli. Thanks again for your support! 💕

Welcome Jenny!  In the beginning, it is easy to get lost in the big questions...am I this or that being the first.  As time passes and you grow comfortable in accepting what you identify with, you will start to leave the big questions behind and start focusing on smaller ones.  You will refine yourself...just remember to enjoy the various parts of the journey!

It took my wife 15 years to come to a point of acceptance and now we are good friends.  She is her own person who just had a huge shock to her world.  This is something that will likely take time to sort out.

Best of luck to you in that area and glad you have found us for support!

An interesting list but I can trim it down to two questions or maybe even one.
Who do you want to go to bed as.
Who do you want to go to bed with.

I am pretty sure you are transgender or you wouldn't be here in the first place. Who do you want to go to bed as would be a man or a woman. If you want to go to bed as a woman, that would be transsexual. If you want to go to bed as a man, that would be non binary.

The second question was a trick questions because it determines your sexual preference. You may be Heterosexual, Gay, Bisexual or Asexual. Your gender identity doesn't depend on your sexual preference.

What you have done in the past isn't important because social programing may affect us for a long time. We also sometimes fail to see the truth. I was a strange child and showed feminine traits but attempted to fit into the male role because that was what every body said I was. When puberty hit, I had a very rude awaking. Others on the site have discovered themselves much latter in life. What's important is what you feel now and what you want to be in the future.

Quote from: Jenny0713 on April 14, 2016, 10:31:24 PM
Hello everyone. I call myself Jenny (for now - might change at some point, not sure).

About a month ago, I came out to my wife. I told her that I might be gay and I wanted to wear women's clothing. At the time I really didn't know what I was feeling. I simply had an uncontrollable urge to come clean and say something.

Unfortunately, it didn't go very well. After 21 years of marriage I am now living alone in a hotel room waiting for the divorce to move forward so I can find a place to stay.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching since this happened and I have been working with a counselor. I think I have read almost everything on the web about transgender/crossdressing (ok, there's probably still lots I have not read yet but it feels like I have read lots). I even read the WPATH document from front to back. I have also been attending several transgender support meetings at a local gender identity center. These meetings have been incredible.

I started out thinking I was mainly just a crossdresser but lately, I am not sure where I am going. As a child, I remember saying to myself that I wished I was a girl. However, I cannot really say that feeling stayed with me as I grew up.

I do remember raiding my mom's drawers and trying on her panty hose and a skirt, but I never really did it past that until very recently.  When I tried mom's clothes, I remember walking around the house feeling wonderful and natural since I was home alone at the time. Fortunately I decided to go back to boy mode because shortly after I took off the clothes, the doorbell rang and it was my sister's boyfriend. Was I relieved that I decided to switch back when I did. It might have been the fear of getting caught that made me not do it again.

Recently, for some unknown reason, I decided to try on my wife's pantyhose and clothes when I was alone in the house one day. That must have thrown me over the edge because shortly after that was when I came out to her.

Since I have been in the hotel, I have purchased some of my own clothes and pretty much dress everyday and stay that way until bedtime with the exception of the panties which I wear 24/7.

So far, my story probably sounds like more of a crossdresser than transgender. However, after attending several of the meetings and from the reading I have done, I am not sure. I decided to go to the crossdressers meeting and honestly I felt out of place. It just didn't seem real to me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I then went to the transitions group and I felt completely at home and I felt I identified with the people there completely.

So now you know why I am confused. I cannot really say I have suffered from gender disphoria during my 51 years of life but at the same time, I look back on my life and wonder. I was never really one of the boys growing up. I didn't enjoy the things the other boys liked like sports (I know that's a stereotype) or other things like they way they looked at girls. I just didn't get it.

I don't think I was or am really gay but I have had thoughts of being with a man. Don't really know what that means either. Again, instead of sports, I excelled at theatre and band instead. Also, as an adult, back when I was single or even when I was in the military, I wasn't into the things the other guys around me were into like drinking beer and picking up women. I did meet a girl I really liked but it didn't last.

I still don't think I am gay because when I see a woman and a man on the street, I am not attracted to the man. I am attracted to the woman. However, I find myself getting very jealous of what the women get to wear on a daily basis and wish I could be like them or even be one of them so I could do the same.

The idea of transitioning intrigues me a lot but at the same time I am very fearful mainly due to my job, although the people at the transitions meeting said I might be surprised how it turns out. My other fear is that I am 6-2, 227lb (and dropping - working on losing weight really hard). Of course, I would be a very tall woman, although there is a trans woman at the meeting that is even taller and she seems to be doing fine. Just trying to figure out where my life is going and who I am.

Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks a million, Jenny.

Hi Jenny
I am not trans gender, However Am a active significant other on Susan's:) I read your post and just wanted to say hi:) good luck on your journey:)
Marie

Thanks Jamie. I appreciate it.

Dena, if I am transgender, do you think HRT and transitioning is what I need?  There was another post I responded to last night. It asked if I were never to see another person for the rest of my life, would you want to live your life as male or female?  I think for me the answer to that question is definitely I would live my life female. The hard part is when there are other people in my life, that choice is not so easy. Definitely something I will talk to my counselor tomorrow about. Thanks again for helping me think. It really does help!

Jenny

Oops. Sorry Marie. Looked at your profile name instead of your signature. Thanks again!

Jenny

Hi Jenny-

You journey sounds pretty similar to the one I took. I never played with dolls and it never crossed my mind that I might be female until I was in my mid-40s, and ironically it was those "online" tests that made me realize that something was going on. I was a typical middle aged dude that was married. I had two children and I owned my own business. I lived a typical dude's life - working, drinking, and participating in very dangerous sports. Happiness was not something that I ever experienced - I thought that my joyless, unhappy existence was all that there was to look forward to in life.

It took me a few more years of introspection and reading online forums and lots and lots more drinking followed by mentally breaking down before I began seeing a gender therapist. Three months after spilling my guts to her I realized who I really am. My wife did not take the news well and our 27 year marriage ended in an amicable divorce.

As an interesting aside - I got into my wife's makeup exactly one time. I was revulsed by what I saw in the mirror and I quickly removed it. Her clothes didn't fit me (I'm 5'8" and 192lbs with a large upper torso and she was much smaller) so I never tried dressing en femme using her clothes.

The only clues to my identity that I had growing up was that i knew I was different, I didn't fit in with the other boys, and I got bullied a lot. I played with the typical boy stuff and later the typical guy stuff - fast cars. Boys shunned me and girls of course would have nothing to do with me so I learned a lot about being alone and I spent most of that time in my head. I never wanted to score with women - I wanted to be them.

Only you can say who/what you are. You might be anywhere on the gender spectrum and thats perfectly OK, and its also perfectly OK to take the time you need to figure it all out.

Are you seeing a gender therapist? They can help you sort through your feelings and get to a place of clear thinking. My own therapist literally saved my life and I am forever grateful for that.

I hope to see you around the forums!

Thanks again for everyone's friendly advice and help. I really appreciate it. You know what?  I think I am transgender!  The more I think of it, it is pretty obvious. I definately want to look into at least low dosage HRT so I can feel the effects and verify it makes me feel better. I will talk to my therapist tomorrow. I am not sure if she is an actual gender therapist but she has worked with many transgender people in the past. She is very supportive.

If I do end up transitioning, of course my biggest fear is my job and helping my son understand what Dad is doing. We adopted him when he was 5 and he is now 14. However due to his birth mom doing crack cocain for the first five months of pregnancy, his learning ability and brain function has been affected. Mentally, he is about 6 or 7.

I have been doing tons of reading on this site and it has been extremely helpful. Thanks again for all the help and understanding.

Jenny

Jenny,
    Just hoping your appointment went okay today. It may take a while to get a handle on things. I was thinking about something I did when I was trying to figure myself out. You might think it corny, but here it is. I made a journal and wrote down all of my thoughts. I started out by writing about my past and the feelings I had growing up. When I first started I did a two person narrative, one for the "him" feelings and one for  the" her". I found it very helpful in figuring things out. It gave me a chance to express how both sides felt. It felt a bit less confusing and also cathartic. For me the "he" has all but disappeared. I say he is retired. I don't write as often, but will once in a while. I like the idea of keeping a record of my journey even if no one ever reads it.
    Good luck!
Moni