Since I have accepted the harsh reality hormones didn't make me pass, I have decided I am afraid of leaving where I live dressed as a female out of fear of getting killed. I wouldn't go outside dressed in female clothes until at least I have FFS, but even then I still need to work on my voice. Have any of you been in this situation? How should I feel about this? I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, but all it takes is one person motivated by hatred to end my life.

I think you should talk to your therapist. I lived in Orange County CA and made several trips to the the bay areas as well as trips to the middle and western parts of the United States. I currently live in Arizona. My voice was a give away and boyish figure didn't help. I am sure I didn't pass 100% but yet I never had so much as an improper word said against me. Yes, once in a while I was miss gendered but that was to be expected.

The bay area is about the most friendly LGBT area in the entire country. I feel you have excessive fear and I am not sure FFS and VFS would eliminate it. I suggest you find one or two people to go with you on your early outings to serve as "body guards" and to distract you from your feelings. My first outings were solo and I was wound up pretty good as well but the more time I spent in public, the more comfortable I became. Now it doesn't bother me to go in public even when I am less passable.

Quote from: blossom on March 06, 2016, 04:21:58 PM
Since I have accepted the harsh reality hormones didn't make me pass, I have decided I am afraid of leaving where I live dressed as a female out of fear of getting killed. I wouldn't go outside dressed in female clothes until at least I have FFS, but even then I still need to work on my voice. Have any of you been in this situation? How should I feel about this? I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, but all it takes is one person motivated by hatred to end my life.

True whether you're trans or cis, male or female, black, white, or brown. There is no way to be completely safe. Everyone on the planet is just one psycho with a gun, one truck with bad brakes, or one drug-resistant staphylococcus away from a random death. Part of being human is learning to minimize these risks and then live with it. 

I know many non-passable trans women, and none of them report problems.

Hi Blossom,

I would say I am in a similar situation. I am going to wait until I have FFS to start going out in public - for the most part. That said, I am pretty close to going out on little excursions with a lady friend of mine, and I am not much to look at. Just for a point of reference, this is me without a wig, and not a lot of makeup, after six months on HRT:



Clothes and attitude can help, though!


I would think one of the best places in the world to come out as transgender would be San Francisco, in terms of social tolerance. Try little trips, and go with a friend.  If you're not comfortable, you can always go home and try again another day.  That's my plan, anyway.

With kindness,

Terri

I was on hormones for five years before I was able to have my initial FFS in 2007, and I went full-time a month after, but I only went out dressed femininely a few times before then since I looked like this...

I'm a bit unclear why you're referring to real life test, as that's what you do to get your SRS letters, usually. Are you trying for that, or do you mean social transition?

Quote from: kittenpower on March 06, 2016, 07:57:06 PM
I was on hormones for five years before I was able to have my initial FFS in 2007, and I went full-time a month after, but I only went out dressed femininely a few times before then since I looked like this...

Wow!  What an amazing transformation, Karen. I cannot see any trace of that person in your avatar. You are truly an inspiration!

Terri

Thank you Terri 😊

I live in Birmingham UK, in the rough part.. and at the beginning of my transition I started living as a female I was 17 at the time.. My brother phoned me and invited me to there house to have lunch.. So I walked there and when I was about half way down this car stopped and three Asian guys got out. Started shouting horrible things at me, then they beat me up. I was covered in blood and I had to go to hospital.. If it wasn't for an elderly man seeing everything and calling the police I do feel I wouldn't be here today...

After this happened it scared me and I thought to myself happiness was not worth it. So I stopped everything. Hormones, dressing as a guy again. Cut my hair short.. And when I did I suffered server depression and I couldn't cope with living the lie again.. So after about 2 years I started my treatment again.. And when I did my depression got weaker and weaker.. And my emotional strength got stronger.. And I started to realise that, it is my life. What right has anyone got to dictate my decisions in what is best for me.. So I kept strong and because I have I am now who I have always seen myself and I have got the life I have always wanted...

Worries will always be there, there is no question in that.. And danger is there too.. But if you stay strong in yourself the dangers and worries won't be the focus.. The focus will be on the way you feel, free, happy and most importantly yourself... And that is the most important thing..

But if you are still worried. Just stick to public areas, places you know.. And travel with friends...

I hope this has helped you. Good luck.. And I hope you find peace

Lea xxx

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Quote from: blossom on March 06, 2016, 04:21:58 PM
Since I have accepted the harsh reality hormones didn't make me pass, I have decided I am afraid of leaving where I live dressed as a female out of fear of getting killed. I wouldn't go outside dressed in female clothes until at least I have FFS, but even then I still need to work on my voice. Have any of you been in this situation? How should I feel about this? I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, but all it takes is one person motivated by hatred to end my life.

Im sorry u feel this way. Its a jlhard life i know and i know where ur coming from. I had to really love myself. Its sad to say that i loved my self more after my ffs. I felt more comfortable in my skin and i didnt care about scars becasue to me the overall was enough for me tofeel good aboit myself. Todays society is getting easier for us in some places and i see that insurance is getting better for us to get things done.
Jus saying hope u are well

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Wow....

You know many trans women have managed transition and life without the benefit of FFS or who (like me) live in communities where it is well known they are trans. No one has yet tried to kill me. If you can't even get out the door how in the world do you think you will be able to handle all the rest that transition involves?

You expected hormones to get you to a point of passing?

There is no magic pill for this that is going to suddenly make you look like the woman you think you should be.

Quote from: blossom on March 06, 2016, 04:21:58 PM
Since I have accepted the harsh reality hormones didn't make me pass, I have decided I am afraid of leaving where I live dressed as a female out of fear of getting killed. I wouldn't go outside dressed in female clothes until at least I have FFS, but even then I still need to work on my voice. Have any of you been in this situation? How should I feel about this? I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, but all it takes is one person motivated by hatred to end my life.

Passing is mostly about confidence and accepting and knowing who you are. Once you have that established, your aura basically changes and people will start seeing you the same way, too. While it is true that FFS, VFS, and other surgeries will help, I know many who have had everything done and they are still a psychological mess because they haven't accepted themselves yet.

Geekgirl, can you explain further how I am implement your plan for success?

I didn't have FFS until 3 months after I had gone full time.  I went full time only 3 months after starting HRT.  I decided that I could not live any other way and although I wasn't fully passable, I did it.  Because I was comfortable with who I was I believe people accepted me as female.  I am only 1 year out from starting HRT and I basically had very few (and no major) issues with being accepted as female. One thing that helps in being accepted is to have confidence in yourself.  I am a firm believer in thinking that smiling and being happy with who you are goes a tremendous way in being passable and accepted.  Notice in all of these examples how the inner happiness somehow shines through. 

So to give you an idea, here is how it went for me, my plan for success was pretty simple - just be me.....

My appearance in March 2015 when starting HRT



My appearance when starting full time at work in June 2015



Right before FFS at the end of August



A few months post FFS



Current look



Have confidence in yourself girl, you can do this.

Quote from: blossom on March 11, 2016, 03:55:49 PM
Geekgirl, can you explain further how I am implement your plan for success?

It's going into public and discovering the world won't end. Act and feel like you belong just as you did before you started to cross live. If people don't detect nerves or fear, they will respond to you as they would anybody else. The hardest part of the transition is to deal with the fear of coming out and the fear of appearing in public the way we have dreamed of for years. For me, it was a matter of taking a deep breath, pulling the handle open on the door and walking out. Once I did that, every trip after that became easer.

Great advice everyone. By the way, geekgirl, I meant to say how can I implement your plan for success?

How can I implement geekgirl's plan for success?

Some say it's all attitude.  Attitude alone will do it for a lot of us.  However, for some, all the attitude in the world won't fix a really masculine face.

One critical thing is to understand the difference between passing and being beautiful.  Passing is about being seen and accepted as a woman and has nothing to do with beauty.

Another thing to understand is fear.  Sometimes we are just afraid to go out.  We are afraid of getting clocked. 

Go out with a cis girl friend  (or friends).  See how you are accepted.

Lastly, for some who do not pass at all....FFS and then full time is an option.  It's what I did.  I went out dressed in female less than 10 times before I had FFS.

HUGS

Jen

Quote from: Dena on March 11, 2016, 04:38:03 PM
It's going into public and discovering the world won't end. Act and feel like you belong just as you did before you started to cross live. If people don't detect nerves or fear, they will respond to you as they would anybody else. The hardest part of the transition is to deal with the fear of coming out and the fear of appearing in public the way we have dreamed of for years. For me, it was a matter of taking a deep breath, pulling the handle open on the door and walking out. Once I did that, every trip after that became easer.

Wow.  This, exactly!

My first trip outside fully dressed was to a session with the therapist.  That was about the safest, most accepting environment I could think of.  Everyone there was trained to respond well, including the receptionist who politely "ma'am"ed me.  (Thanks!)

It helps.  Surviving the first steps out really helps.

I've got an intake session for a therapy group this week, and I plan to go fully dressed for that.  Second time out!  Maybe some day I'll work my way up to a Starbucks or the grocery store, where I'll likely discover that most people don't really give a darn. 

Small steps...

(Fully dressed for me is something like Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, maybe a Banana Republic fitted khaki or denim shirt, the usual bits underneath, wig to cover the pattern baldness, and a good dusting of a concealer to disappear the beard.  Electrolysis for my gray beard, please!   Yeah, tomboy t-girl...)

Wow JLT, you replied to my post, I'm honored. How's Jennygirl doing? She is who got into wanting to use this site. I did a google search for FFS doctors and google brought up a post she made on Susan's and I was in awe at how wonderful and sweet of a person she was.