I'm FTM, gay, and my husband (whom I love deeply - we've been together for 21 of my 42 years) is pansexual. He's been INCREDIBLY supportive about my being Trans, but he's recently admitted when I came out to him 4 years ago that he honestly didn't think I'd actually move forward with it - that it was easy to be supportive when you don't believe it will ever happen. I'm now 39 weeks on T....and we barely have sex (maybe once every two months, and even then, he doesn't seem to enjoy it, and only climaxes maybe one in four tries). He seems to avoid watching me shave, and doesn't initiate kissing or cuddling. He's depressed and moody. Snips at me a lot, and never did before. He's 41. I fear he may be considering leaving me.

We're in the midst of a bankruptcy and some legal issues, but once those are settled...I'm very worried that the love of my life may walk out that door and never look back. I'm terrified. We have two children (22 and 15).

My spouse just started counseling, which I'm happy about. He's been on anti-depressants for some time (he's also ADHD and has been on meds for that for like 15 years).

He doesn't talk to me about his feelings anymore. Sometimes it feels like I'm living with a stranger. The kids and I walk on eggshells around him. If I joke with him about anything, he takes it way too personally and pouts, angrily, for days.

I'm feeling so lonely. And as if I'm just waiting for the inevitable.

Right now I'm trying to focus on the kids, my career, and getting life together. What else can I do, but let him go through something he clearly doesn't want me to be a part of?

Anyone else been through/are going through this?

Sounds like there's a lot going on in both your lives at the moment. It's good that he's seeing a counsellor. Keep in mind that everything he is exhibiting might not be tied directly (or at least consciously) to your transition. While he may be having some doubts it's possible the meds he is on are no longer helping as well as they used to or are affecting his libido. I hope things improve with him.

Thanks, Grace. Me too! For now, I'm just breathing through a lot and letting him know on occasion that I'm hear for him, no matter what. It's just a scary time.

Transitioning can feel so....selfish....at times. My anxiety certainly doesn't help.

I went through the same thing you are describing. He stopped talking to me about it and refused counseling. Not talking about it is the death knell as far as I am concerned, and our twenty-year relationship crumbled only a few months after I started T. Our relationship had been strained for quite some time leading up to my transition, but the fact remains that he had and has absolutely no interest in men. I feel now that even if I had started my transition when our relationship was at its best, we would not have stayed together.

You are fortunate that your husband is pansexual, and I think that his willingness to seek outside help is promising. Do you go to counseling together at all?

I'm sorry that you are struggling. Hopefully, your husband will decide to talk about his issues and you can move forward. It sounds to me like the problems might not even be with your transition.

Like yours, my husband has ADHD and depression issues. His default is to hold everything in until he hits the breaking point.  As he approaches that point, he withdraws then gets snippy and angry with me and even our kids (only 6 and 4)... the only thing I've found that works with him is confronting him and pushing him past the breaking point... then he can't keep his feelings bottled in, has a mini breakdown and we talk. It isn't healthy but it does seem to be the only thing that works for him when he reaches that point. My husband has been supportive so far but I worry that if I decided to take T, he might not be able to handle it.

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I won't depress you with what happened to my marriage (suffice it to say: he's hetero and very homophobic) but I will say this: the ultimate deathknell for any long-term relationship is a lack of communication. If you're starting to live separate lives & walking on eggshells, that means that communication has broken down between the two of you. This is a very dangerous thing, and if left untreated it can go on to end your relationship.

It sounds like he may be depressed about various things (including your financial & legal situation) and that everything seems to be getting on top of him. It's entirely possible that his lack of initiating sex, and his lack of orgasms, are due to this apparent depression, as these are very common symptoms. It's great that he's seeing a counsellor, and hopefully that will help him get through this bleak period. It's also possible that with you withdrawing in self-defence and concentrating on other things - such as your transition, the kids and your career - he's feeling left-out and neglected... rightly or wrongly. 

IMO, the only way you can salvage your relationship is by working together and speaking to each other. Withdrawing into your own worlds is the worst thing you can do. So please, talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Ask him how he's feeling. Tell him how frightened you are that he seems to be losing interest. Ask him to be completely honest about how he feels about your future together. And if you can, go to couples' counselling to work through any issues in a neutral environment.

Another thing you may want to consider: whilst he may identify as pansexual and he may be trying to be supportive on paper, it's possible that he fell in love with you and was attracted to you in part because of some female characteristics he perceived in you, and that the space he made for you in his heart is a female-shaped space (does that make sense?). Even if he is capable of making male-shaped spaces in his heart, that might not be where he wants you and your specific relationship to be.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Like FTMDiaries, I wonder if, although he IDs as pansexual, there is still a disconnect between the way he sees you and the person you are becoming (I mean in the physical sense). It sounds like you were together for a very long time and if he thought of you as a woman that whole time I can see why it would take a lot of time to make that mental shift and why something like seeing you shaving might make him uncomfortable. Maybe this is just a matter of time?

I'm starting to realize through my own transition how little other people understand about things like gender and the effects of testosterone. It seems really hard for the people around me to make that mental leap between the way I look now and the way testosterone may change me and I'm bracing myself now for the eventual freak out I could easily see him not really understanding what all of this means (pre transition) and then being overwhelmed by all of these changes and being afraid to express his own anxieties for fear of hurting you. I would think if he was willing to do couples therapy that would really help because at least you could communicate in a neutral space with a mediator. Does that seem like something he would be willing to do?

Sometimes our ability to live up too our ideals is challenged.  My wife was completely my hero when I started transition and remains supportive but I am reminded that bi or pansexual oriented people might not find we are exactly "their kind of girl or guy." ??

Arch - We did go to counseling together and I went separately for about a year and a half. He's said he wants to see a counselor alone, and I think it's a good idea. I'm hoping he finds answers through that, and remind myself every day that he is still in mourning.

arice - He says he thinks he's going through a mid-life crisis, but most of his behavior reflects his ADHD freak-outs, just magnified. I don't want to lose him, but if we do end up calling it quits, I really hope he doesn't do anything drastic.

FTMDiaries - Thanks for your post. The thing is, I do try to talk with him. About everything. Including our relationship (of course). But when I try discussing anything with more substance than what's for dinner, he flies off the handle. Part of his issue, I'm certain, is his lack of interest in things as of late, and his inability to reach orgasm. He says he just feels numb....and the only time he feels anything is when he's angry. He's asked me not to push him into talking, so I'm letting him take the leda on that, and continuing to be supportive. If I push him to sit and talk with me about things when he's not ready, it will push him away. After 21 years, I know when baby steps are required. He's asked for that space, so I'm happy to give it.

Scared of what may come...but happy to provide him with the support he needs. He's certainly supported me.

Jonathan - We did couples therapy for a year and a half. It was good for us, and helped him realize that he's mourning the wife that he had, and adapting to the husband he has now - even though we're the same person. I know he loves me very much, and he's said that he doesn't want to break up. He just wants to stop feeling this way. But I worry.

I worry a lot. About everything. All the time. Even medicated, my anxiety is just batty.

Tessa - It's definitely possible. I'm prepared for our relationship to change, or even dissipate. Just sad.

Zac, let me just tell you that the anxiety is completely typical. It can eat you alive, so you need to find ways to deal with it. I used to go to trans support meetings and then get in my car and drive north on the freeway and yell at the top of my lungs. Or I would exercise more, go for pounding walks around the block. When he was younger, my ex used to go to the batting cages and beat the heck out of baseball after baseball. Something physical is usually good.

Your story isn't written yet, but even if the worst happens and you do split up, you can survive and come out intact and even happy. I just want you to know that.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 18, 2016, 09:59:07 AM
It sounds like he may be depressed about various things (including your financial & legal situation) and that everything seems to be getting on top of him. It's entirely possible that his lack of initiating sex, and his lack of orgasms, are due to this apparent depression, as these are very common symptoms. It's great that he's seeing a counsellor, and hopefully that will help him get through this bleak period. It's also possible that with you withdrawing in self-defence and concentrating on other things - such as your transition, the kids and your career - he's feeling left-out and neglected... rightly or wrongly. 

Boom. Something like this is happening to some friends of mine. She is bi, they are MTF spectrum non-binary genderqueer. They just started hormones, which has been an amazing positive change for them. She seems to be having some issues with the change. She's having trouble changing pronouns, but put it on the (very little) kids. ("Oh, our son doesn't understand. T--- is Daddy to him.") And she started this thing claiming on the internet she has a certain neurological condition which she almost certainly doesn't. My wife's theory is with our friend's transition, which is a bit of a self-centered process (so is puberty), our other friend is trying divert attention back to herself. She's not a bad person, but she lacks insight in a major way.

Quote from: JustZac on April 18, 2016, 12:46:15 PM
FTMDiaries - Thanks for your post. The thing is, I do try to talk with him. About everything. Including our relationship (of course). But when I try discussing anything with more substance than what's for dinner, he flies off the handle. Part of his issue, I'm certain, is his lack of interest in things as of late, and his inability to reach orgasm. He says he just feels numb....and the only time he feels anything is when he's angry. He's asked me not to push him into talking, so I'm letting him take the leda on that, and continuing to be supportive. If I push him to sit and talk with me about things when he's not ready, it will push him away. After 21 years, I know when baby steps are required. He's asked for that space, so I'm happy to give it.

Scared of what may come...but happy to provide him with the support he needs. He's certainly supported me.

Just my 2c, that behavior sounds like someone dealing with more anxiety than they can handle, maybe even afraid of his thoughts as well. If he is getting counseling, that sounds like the right thing right now.

I hear you, friend.

My partner of 19 years and I just divorced last August. He couldn't handle me transitioning. I can relate to many of the things you've said so much. It's hard to be 40 and walking away from a relationship that spanned half your life.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me.

Un update: we've been talking (still not having sex), but things seem...easier. I'm just going to take this one day at a time. And if it crumbles, I have all my friends here to turn to. Thank you. <3

Hi Zac,

Just repeating what others have said I suppose. A partner transitioning, legal and financial nightmares, loss of sex drive, withdrawn, all sounds like a depressive state may have developed.

Hang in there and remember who have your family here to talk to. You need to keep yourself together for both of you and your children's sake.

I don't know exactly what will happen to my relationship (10 yrs and counting), given that my partner is male and not in the slightest gay or bi, but I can take a fair guess. It's going to become a mutually supportive friendship for a while at least. I don't miss sex, but he will. So I don't know how all that will work out. He's not very flexible in terms of what he wants to do in that dept. so I figure he knows what's coming. If he chooses to leave the relationship I'll be pretty deflated, but not surprised. Like other cis people, he has almost no idea what it's like to be trans and how flexible and accommodating you must be just to have some semblance of a normal life, and unlike me, places less emphasis on the person and their personality in a relationship and more on the sex and the looks. Not a whole lot compared to most people seem to, to be fair to him, but much more than I do.

I will always be his pal and support him because that's how I got into this relationship in the beginning, and I made promises to look out for him, and he says the same. We've already been through the grinder down the years and somehow nothing seems to make us want to go separate ways at all. Me transitioning will be the ultimate test of that, I figure. The longer you stay in a relationship, the harder it is to walk away from it I suppose, with all the investment and shared experience put into it.

All my relationships eventually seem to end up platonic. I think that was just a consequence of my pre-transitional predicament. I do not get into these situations for the sex so that aspect always breaks down, but the basis of the relationships is always a decent friendship so it never falls apart completely. And it's a strange thing to hear stories from my ex or someone I was in a platonic thing with nearly 2 decades ago that when it comes to their partners since, they never seem to last long, they always seem to have issues with jealous or vengeful exes. I've never experienced that as I never go into relationships for sex or without someone I know well enough to trust. Maybe it's a bad thing to be so attached though, I don't know. I feel kinda bad for my partner because he could be happy with some hot female right now and I woudn't be responsible for him feeling glum about the fact he isn't. But he is free to walk away any time if that's what he truly wants. I will be sad, but I am not his keeper. I think our relationship changed the moment I told him... now it is something else and it can't go back to what it was.

I guess I've become too tired to fret it any more. I have asked to talk about it dozens, maybe 100s of times with him and each time it's the same answer. Slowly I am starting to think of myself as (somewhat) single again, in order to prepare and protect myself, just in case.