Hey all. So I am a trans woman who came out not to long ago. I love being true to myself and have never felt better. However something happens to these happy moments that disturbs me greatly. I find this happy times can turn into a hyper excited. A non sexual excitement I should add. It's just my heart starts to race and I breath heavily. I hate it as I don't like this . it makes me feel invalidated as the woman I am. This has happened in the past and over it I even stopped transition at one point but going back to live as a guy makes me cry and have suicidal ideas/feelings. It's totally dark. When I am ony own and loving as myself I am generally fine, but if I am having a really good time with female friends or watching TV and I can connect to a female who makes me joyful this odd feeling takes over, not all the time I should add but when it does it makes me sad. Please, don't judge but what does one do? I can't stop transition but when this happens i feel like a fake and perhaps unlike some I strongly dislike these hyper excited moments, I don't want them . they tend to happen to when I worry/panic about it. As far as i see I just want to live my life as a regular woman, I am not doing it for any special feelings like this as it bugs me deeply. Thanks for reading any suggestions

On my own and living**

Hi Jasper I wouldn't worry about it. It is exciting being able to live you life how you want to. Like with everything though you will get used to it.

Thanks girl. It just I hatenit, generally I am fine but when these moments arise I feel super bad. This combined with facial hair never seeming to leave even after laser treatments and being misgendered frequently. I am just always stressed. But at least this will end it seems

Jasper94,

Do these excited moments coincide with or come out of your happy moments? Or is it when you start to doubt and worry. I was not entirely clear. it almost sounds like a panic attack can, when they begin. Sorry it has been so uncomfortable.

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With warmth,

Joanna

You stated you just came out. You have a lot of new feelings to process. Feeling's you were never "allowed" to have or express. So when you are in the situation ask yourself how do I feel? Tell yourself this is a new feeling and I am happy. Also, relax transition is a long road. It sounds like you have some great friends.

My Mr. Happy never complied with my desires. Ever. Up until the day of my surgery. It was a source of much confusion, guilt, and ecstasy. The first two are gone now. I rarely have an ecstasy moment but they come once in a while. I'm good with my life now.

I have great friends and yes this is still rather new. Also what's a Mr happy :S??. I had ecstacy moments if that's what they are called

I guess that's what makes everything so hard. I love my new life. Since starting estrogen there are things I wouldn't take back. No morning wood/annoying sex drive, not as stressed out about life, feeling like life is in right direction. And the thought of testosterone coming back is enough to make me wana end my life. These hyper excited moments just annoy me and make things awkward. But how is this happening. I mean I am on hrt, and this seems to make things/issues disappear for all people and yet I am still struggling with this. It makes me feel like I am not a real woman, and in turns makes me want to end everything. I'm just scared on what to do and how tonkive my life to the fullest now

I'm not a mental health professional or anything like that, so please take what I am about to say with a pinch of salt...

A couple of thoughts regarding what you said:

- Getting hyper-excited and then feeling really bad about it sounds like bipolar disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it myself, but there have certainly been times i've had trouble managing my highs and lows, and for me the solution is to try and bring yourself back to the real world when you're really happy and avoid those euphoric feelings if you get them. If I manage to do that successfully then I'm still able to have a good time, but there's no devastating low afterwards. For me this is quite independent of any gender issues I have and it's been a while since I've had that kind of ride, but I remember what's it's like.

- Personally I've always worried about over-sexualising the experience of dressing as a woman, because that would just reduce my MtF leanings to just a sexual kink...(no judgement for anyone who's in to that of course!), but then I realised, if you've spent your male life as a less sexual person than most of your peers, for a combination of reasons but no doubt in part due to those gender issues, isn't it entirely natural to be more sexually excitable as you identify with your new gender and put yourself in to a more comfortable place?! There's a difference between getting sexually excited because you're wearing women's clothing, and the wearing of women's clothing allowing you to feel better about yourself and then as a by-product of that self-acceptance and unshackling, allowing yourself to become more sexually free...if you get the distinction! (one is a result of the fetishisation of clothing, and the other is a by-product of feeling better about yourself)

Just my 2p worth! Hope you start to feel better soon.

Orielle
x

Thanks for the input! Thing is I can't stress this enough, this never was or is about sexualizing it. Never. I can't live as a guy, and with that hates testosterone due to a sex drive. I'm really not sexual anyway. Also idk what to do about the bi polar part or how to feel about that.