If we lose the binary nonbinary thing for a moment...lol that actually is an identity....
Trans puberty for me resulted in a huge swing to feminine, as all that was held back and fought inside me came to life. She began to dominate, he in me fought it, and I could not handle what was happening to me. It brought me to a number of breakdowns. That was exascerbated by pressure to live the traditional ts narrative of immediate full time transition, with all of the terrible collateral damage that can come with that.
I know I am different from other TS, yet I am as TS as anyone is. Its just that its not my entire truth, its my body and sex truth, and my emotional truth, yes. Estrogen is a necessity, I would crack up without it. Same with detransitioning. It would kill me.
But I live to take advantage of social norms, as an effeminite or androgynous male, as an androgyne, as a fullout female. Even as genderqueer.
That does not change the fact that I am TS in my body needs and in my need to be out as sh'e. Just because social pressures demand that I blend in to not be oppressed (I transitioned on the job in FL and lost everything, paid the price) - it in no way invalidates who I am as a transperson nor does it define my gender. My gender is my own.
I was out last night with many nonbinary, queer, ftm and mtf transpeople. I find myself comparing myself to them, and I see no difference between myself and older mtf's- except - full time living as a woman is not my desire or need.
I race cars. I get wild. I have a motorcycle. I have a wife and when with her outside on the street I revert back to decades long interactions. My personality changed, but I am still me. I feel more deeply, sh'e is healed from the years of torment I experienced fighting my gender.
Puberty is over, I am 3 years into this. Some predicted I would be nonbinary androgyne, some transsexual, and most, dead. LOL. Not dead yet. Not even unhappy.
Because I know who I am, regardless of what I put on. I don't need my wig to be sh'e. I am sh'e. I'm wired female, my spirit, well, I am not a man, I am not a woman. I am a transperson, full transition hormones.
So I run the spectrum, I do it at will. But somewhere long ago, and this took work and it was hard, my past, my male self, my female self, and my body, all became one. I have another name I won't say here, its my street name, nonbinary and very feminine and very me. It captures me as a whole transperson.
So I don't worry about the male and female stuff. I relax and be real, whether male, female, andro, queer, whatever. Most times I am sitting around in lingerie and satin, no makeup on, my hair combed to the feminine side, female eyebrows, the works. And then grab the bikers jacket, toss my hair back, or not, and head out the door, either knee high boots on, or guy boots, it doesnt matter.
I am never in male under things, I cant stand them. My body is trans female. That will never change. My sexuality is trans female.
But I am just trans, and am tired of facades, and am very happy to be free to just be real.
I found my truth. It took a while, but the key is accepting myself, and hating no part of me, running from no part of me, it is learning to love the whole me, to forgive the he me for hurting the she me, and I did. But I didn't know any better, when he hurt her and ran from her. When I was running away from me. And then came puberty, and then came me.
Love and blessings to all here.
Satin Joy
