Hi there girls and boys,

I just recently found out about this website and some posts here helped me a great deal to figure out who I really was

So thank you! Now for the introduction.

I`m a MtF girl, whose greatest fear is that she won`t be accepted for who she really is.

I guess you could say I knew since I was around 7. It all started with me questioning why am I born to this body and not the opposite sex. I always liked the company of girls better back then. I could relate to them more easily and had much more fun. That`s when I realised I had to do something about it.

Since my family was religious, I believed God can switch my gender if I asked him (her?). So I ended up praying every night hoping that when I wake up, I`ll be a girl. Every morning I used to sprung out of my bed, only to see that same old face in the mirror. So eventually, I gave up. I thought God wanted me that way and I`m not meant to be what I felt.

Just to make you understand- I`m 25 now and back then there was no internet, no chat rooms I could join and learn more about myself. The only thing I knew was that people who decided to change their gender were despicable and a laughing stock. To this day, it`s normal in my native language to mock them with terms like "Mandy" and F***t. That was actually the first rude word we used to learn, so if you got off tracks and started to behave like you shouldn`t (for your gender), you were labelled.

Nobody really understood that and there were no resources. Also, we had no education on this topic to age of 14 and even than it was just about how to put a condom on. But I`m getting ahead of myself now.

So I decided that God wants me this way and I`m in no position to question that. I felt like I`m the only one in the whole world with these problems, unique, you could say. That no one could understand what I`m going through. During my childhood I always felt weird about my "pee-pee". I used to hide it with my thighs and play a game where I tried to push my testicles back into my body. From time to time I borrowed mum`s clothes and put them on in front of mirror, only to find out they`re too big...

Once, during the night, I`ve decided there is a time for my last call- I had to tell my parents. So I went to the living room with that intention only to freeze at the door, watching them sitting on a couch being happy.

"I have no right to take that happiness from them. People would mock them and they sure will be sad". That`s what I thought. So when asked what do I want, I replied with "nothing" and got back to bed.

There were other things I tried- and without a success. I decided that when I get fat, my boobs will grow (yes, kid`s imagination, don`t laugh). So I got fat and then lost some weight. Basically that`s why I have problems with my figure. Also, I heard somewhere, back then that people who are overweight don`t look so masculine. Was that my way of shielding myself from puberty? Well, Maybe...

Once the puberty came, I started to be really depressed. I hated my body, changing and I hated all those hairs (yuck!). I was still fascinated by girls and envied them. I wanted to be them. I had dreams where I was a girl. But I pushed it somewhere deep down so noone could find it. After all, I`m an ordinary teenager. Nothing to see here.

But the last drop came when I began to lose my hair. I tried some remedies, pills and oils. Only to find out that pills made me even more hairy. Just to make you understand- I had almost no hair on my arms and absolutely no hair on my chest. That changed. That`s when I used to hurt myself intentionally. I`m not going into details here, sufficient to say I`m not doing that anymore.

Since then I couldn`t really be happy, I felt like wearing a mask every time I interacted with someone. But you know, there are moments when even the best mask can`t hide your true self, so there were hints for more sensitive people around me of who I wanted to be. But I lived in a denial- still religious, thinking I`m just experimenting and that it`s temporary. Well, if it`s not, I`m broken and had to be fixed. I couldn`t show that side of myself to anyone.

The rest of this story is pretty blunt- I started compensating for what I really was, hushing everyone away and surpressing my feelings with some alcohol. I was able to forget what my intentions were when I was 7. But it still was in me that untameable beast I wanted to get rid of to be "normal".

The change came when I decided to move to the UK for my studies. There I learnt about other people like me. Suddenly, I`m not alone. But the years of resentment made it worse- I hated world, I hated God, I hated myself for what I`ve become... The change came only slowly; first I thought I`m just bisexual but after some time, once I acknowledged this part of myself again, I knew there is more to that. I`m transgender! This revelation came when I was 22. Only to give you an idea of how many years it took me.

But I still wasn`t in a position to start my change- I didn`t know where to start and was afraid. What about my super religious family, what about my parents, friends... I live in the middle Europe and some doctors here don`t think being trans is a real thing. There are little to no institutions who would guide you through the process and it`s not cheap- hormones and other things as well.

So here I am, now, after a couple of visits to a therapist, who gave me an advice to let it all out, one way or another. Otherwise I might fall into a depression once more and do something terrible. That`s why I decided to join this community. Because you are giving me that sense I`m not alone anymore. And that helps me quite a lot.

In the end, I`d like to ask you 2 questions:

- Is there a way for me to upload my avatar? (couldn`t find that option in my profile)
- Is there a way to share with you my personal blog, where I`d like to open up a bit? (I know links are forbidden)

Thank you for your love,

Sidney (for now)

Hello and welcome 

This is a resource by a reputable source, the british National Health Service:
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

There are studies showing being transgender has biological connections, to do with brain development before birth. There are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible, in various stages. Imo thats why there is a transgender spectrum.

So its how people really feel, its nobodys fault, and its nothing to be ashamed of. It might help with self acceptance, and it might help cis peole understand. Transgender people have been around in all cultures... it simply is how people feel.
Apart from gender issues transgender people are people like everbody else, with normal needs and cravings.
Some people make a comparison with a male/female twin... people will be like a twin, with still the same sense of humour.

In the UK there are GIC ... you can decide to which one you want to be referred to. They have different waiting times. The laurels usually has a good reputation and short waiting lists.
You might also consider going private, they also have a counselor:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204334.msg1816704.html#msg1816704

and there are online counselors, there is another thread on that.

Here are a few further thoghts that might help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885

You might look for support groups:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,135219.0.html


Well links to your site you can add to your signature.

After 15 postings you can answer pm and change your avatar.


*hugs*

Hi Sidney,
I understand how you feel. Positive side is that you know who you are, I mean... Things where not as clear for me as a teen as they seem to have been for you, so it took me more than 30 years to figure things out.
have a nice day and welcome here.
You'll be able to put up your avatar after you reach 15 posts and I guess it's the same for links
:-)
Soli

Those links are great, it will take a while to go through all of them

Thank you Soli, I guess I really can be positive about something. At least I know who I am now, right?

yes... for me it was a long quest of understanding what and who I am.

I realized reading your post that, for me as a child, I expected that at some point, I would become a man like the other boys around me were, my older brothers... I even thought there was a day when we changed name and that my first name was only my child first name and that becoming a boy, or a man (wasn't clear in my head, only that I was not yet one), I would be given an adult name (always hated my name).

Anyways I kept looking forward for the day I would become a man like the others and that day never came so since I wasn't gay (probably I should have tried), I didn't really have a box to fit in so I was no one. Had a baby face. When gray hair and (some) beard came, later, it became less ambiguous for the others what I was, but inside, I still didn't know... Until that one day when on TV I saw... Only then did light came. And now all those years seem lost, like wasted, you know.

Hi and welcome to Susans.

Sounds like you have had a difficult journey and glad you have found some comfort from knowing you are not alone.

Hope you find what you are looking for both online and in life.

Hi Sid 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

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Hugs

V M

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