Hello fellow women of Susan's Place. I am Paul Aremu, but i /really/ am Jackie Aremu. I'm 20 years old and living in Greenville South Carolina

For as far back as i can remember, it always felt weird to say or think my birth name. I didn't know why that was at first. I thought it was just a strange thing and didn't pay much attention to it. As i became 10 years old, i noticed i started feeling what i described to myself as "Gay" I tried to ignore it in hopes that it would go away.

By the time i was 13, i knew damn well what was going on and how i truly felt. I knew there was a woman inside of me. I knew that her name was Jackie and i knew that she wanted to get out.

But you see, i always ignored it. I was always looked at as the "Big black guy" and i'd carry this through much of my teenage years. I'd catch myself talking like a woman and walking like one, but i'd have to stop. From someone like me, that is a very weird sight. But when i turned 18 i came more and more out of the closet. First to friends, and then to my little brother who is now 17. As i've become an adult i realized it was time to stop <Not Allowed> messing around and let her out. get the beautiful woman inside of me free. So i came out to my entire family. I was met with acceptance from my mom and harsh misunderstanding from my father, you've got to understand, the black community is an ALARMINGLY homophobic one. And this happened 2 weeks ago.

I'm sorry if i'm not articulating myself correctly, i've left a lot of stuff out since this isn't my official story, i just wanted to give you some insight on the woman posting this topic.

My problem comes in, i want to pass. Not for anyone else but for myself. All of this i see when i look in the mirror isn't me and i've spent every day of the past 3 years especially feeling pain. I'm in a endomorphic 280 pound body with a muscular upper body. I've started working on it as i've wanted to start my transition but i don't know what to do. Even with hrt, will i appear male forever? I've spent my entire life as "The big guy" and i know thats not who i am. That isn't Jackie.

Please, any help or guidance or words at all would mean so much to me

Love <3




*No Foul Language Please*

Hi Jackie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

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Hugs

V M

Hello and welcome Jackie 

Here are a few resources that might help you:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638


An experienced gender therapist would be an idea, there are also online therapists:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

Concerning muscles they usually shrink on hrt, and there may be other changes ... more rounding, fat redistribution ...
its difficult to say what outcomes are.

You might look for a wig, preferable with real hair.
There may be inexpensive ones on ebay ... just look for reputable sellers.

You may have it cut to exactly cover brows and forehead.
You could look up pictures of Isley Reust.
This covers what parts of FFS Facial feminization surgery may change ... so it may make a real difference.

You may grow your hair out, and look for a few nice womens trousers and sweaters. Second hand stores may be a good source.

There are threads on makeup, and on voice training.
Voice training mostly takes consistency, a few minutes a day, over a longer time imo...

here is a graph showing being gay (sexual attraction) and gender identity are different things:
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Genderbread-2.1.jpg

There is also a biological explanation for being gay.
Its a real preference, like a preference for food. Its simply how people are, and its not contagious. People simply are that way.

Same for being transgender.
A biological explanation is in the first link.
So its nobodys fault, it only affects you, its fixed before birth, and its not contagious. People seem to have that fear .


hugs

it takes some work. weight loss is a big struggle , but is a big step.

Don't worry about being a"big guy",my son is 340 and likes to dress and doesn't let his weight stop him..matter of fact he passes quite well.

Welcome to Susan's place. You never know what's going to happen when you start HRT and work with hair and makeup. One of my therapist thought I was to masculine to make a woman and it's not good when somebody who should be helping you says that. If you lose weight, over time HRT will help with the muscle mass but lose fitting outer wear can be stylish and cover a number of body issues. My main body issue is shoulder like a foot ball player with the pads. I stay with sleeves and lose fitting tops - problem solved. To show you what can be done I am providing two links. There are more because the thread keeps hitting the 100 page limit where we cut it off and start a new thread.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.msg1173149.html#msg1173149

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,168444.msg1464419.html#msg1464419