so trying to find my way forward, I have good days and bad days. Its been hard but I believe my spouse and I believe they have a need to fullfill. Now I'm trying to figure out me. I also am important. I get to be the author of my story, not my partner.

Do I stay, do I go, do we stay together but not really?

There is an option I hadn't considered. The platonic relationship.

Thinking about this there are lots or reasons to do this. Money, being with someone, not starting over, raising the kids. Down sides I see are no sex, not being with a man ever again. Dealing with people that don't understand our house hold situation. Not having a fresh start, water under the bridge (trust issues), will they down the road decide they need to be with someone else...

Are there couples that have stayed together but mostly platonic? How has it worked out for you? Did you put rules even contracts in place?

It's entirely workable, my last relationship ended up platonic even though I wasn't out then, and my current one is likely to end up that way as well.

It can be very comfortable. I never had much need of sex and preferred just having the company of a person I trusted and was comfortable. If sex is very important to two people than it can become problematic very quickly, but if not, there's no reason why a platonic arrangement can't be had. I really enjoyed it, actually. I didn't need to change the rules or boundaries, those had been established in the past already before it became platonic. Neither of us felt like getting to know new people for relationship purposes for a while so that simplified everything somewhat. It was a very easy going part of my life.

There is the risk one of you will eventually decide to try again with a relationship with someone else and that can be a pretty heavy blow for the other person. I suppose that "risk" is always there in any regular relationship too, though

I wouldn't be able to do the platonic thing (I.e, going through the motions), because that just doesn't jive with who I am, but that doesn't mean it could not work for you or anyone else though. There are a lot of couples who seem to be happy with polyamory/open relationships, so perhaps that could  be something you and your partner could explore.

Quote from: kittenpower on April 05, 2016, 11:16:19 AM
I wouldn't be able to do the platonic thing (I.e, going through the motions), because that just doesn't jive with who I am, but that doesn't mean it could not work for you or anyone else though. There are a lot of couples who seem to be happy with polyamory/open relationships, so perhaps that could  be something you and your partner could explore.

polyamory is not for me, nor is open relationship. I want safety and dedication, both of which are not present at the moment.

For her and I we are being mostly honest with each other at this point. Though I can tell they want the relationship more than the transition, but can't let the transition idea go.  I don't want the transition, and I don't want to lose my husband (her now) and I want my husband to stay a man.  I'm trying to find answers or solutions that might work, yet all paths including breaking up and divorce are not good ones.  I would NOT want my spouse bringing anyone home, I would want them to be faithful and only my person. We are married after all, that commitment in my mind should never change and any infidelity is divorce offense, automatically.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on April 05, 2016, 11:15:30 AM
It's entirely workable, my last relationship ended up platonic even though I wasn't out then, and my current one is likely to end up that way as well.

It can be very comfortable. I never had much need of sex and preferred just having the company of a person I trusted and was comfortable. If sex is very important to two people than it can become problematic very quickly, but if not, there's no reason why a platonic arrangement can't be had. I really enjoyed it, actually. I didn't need to change the rules or boundaries, those had been established in the past already before it became platonic. Neither of us felt like getting to know new people for relationship purposes for a while so that simplified everything somewhat. It was a very easy going part of my life.

There is the risk one of you will eventually decide to try again with a relationship with someone else and that can be a pretty heavy blow for the other person. I suppose that "risk" is always there in any regular relationship too, though

Platonic just is not a great solution to me, sex is the big issue, and warm body that is near me when I sleep too. I need that. I'm not ready to be alone but together.  Can platonic people sleep together? hahaha, talk about bending and trying to find new normal.

Quote from: partnerspossibly on April 05, 2016, 11:41:54 AMCan platonic people sleep together?

Well, I did. It was my king bed and and it was comfy as hell, I didn't mind sharing it, and he didn't want to get another, lol.

Quote from: partnerspossibly on April 05, 2016, 11:41:54 AM
Platonic just is not a great solution to me, sex is the big issue, and warm body that is near me when I sleep too. I need that. I'm not ready to be alone but together.  Can platonic people sleep together? hahaha, talk about bending and trying to find new normal.

Yes, it is possible and can even be satisfying.  Several years ago my wife found penetration to be painful due to vaginal dryness from menopause, and no longer wanted penetration.  However, we continued to sleep together and cuddle next to each other, wearing only panties.  That was rather frustrating to me at first but still passionate and enjoyable.  After 7 years we are still doing the same and the desire is still there but tolerable for me.  We still have a loving and caring relationship after 51 years of marriage.

Quote from: partnerspossibly on April 05, 2016, 11:41:54 AM
Platonic just is not a great solution to me, sex is the big issue, and warm body that is near me when I sleep too. I need that. I'm not ready to be alone but together. Can platonic people sleep together? hahaha, talk about bending and trying to find new normal.

It sorta seems like you've already answered your own question but are looking for affirmation. Yes, it can and does work for some people. Others not so much. You need to be honest with yourself, no one else can do that for you. Are you going to be happy never having sex again? Is this the kind of relationship you want your kids to base theirs on? There are far worse things than being alone and starting over - being on the verge of miserable seems high on that list.

Personally, I couldn't do it. I commend those that can and still be happy, though.

Marriage in modern countries is up to the participants to create.  Our marriage of 43 years has been redefined many times for our needs and the family situations we arrived at worked for us.

We die young or age and with aging comes changes.  Sexual intercourse may be a big thing in our minds but rarely consumes that much actual intimate time together.  Love and romance are available to anyone willing to pay the price of admission.  We are vulnerable as lovers and as people who recognize we want and need love in our lives.  That vulnerability exposes our hearts and minds to growth and yes, the potential for loss.  No fairy tale, sometimes we grow apart.  Loving someone will hopefully mean we want the best for them even if it is not me.

For many of us, cuddling time and shared intimacy does not need to be some pokey porno episode.  If and when we are separated don't we remain lovers?  We may be apart for many legitimate reasons.  My wife spent months caring for her dad, my granddaughter has a soldier husband who gets deployed for a year at a time. 

Fear of change can wrap around our axels and blind us to opportunities yet unknown.  Yes, new normals are yours to freely consider.

Quote from: partnerspossibly on April 05, 2016, 10:58:23 AM
so trying to find my way forward, I have good days and bad days. Its been hard but I believe my spouse and I believe they have a need to fullfill. Now I'm trying to figure out me. I also am important. I get to be the author of my story, not my partner.

Do I stay, do I go, do we stay together but not really?

There is an option I hadn't considered. The platonic relationship.

Thinking about this there are lots or reasons to do this. Money, being with someone, not starting over, raising the kids. Down sides I see are no sex, not being with a man ever again. Dealing with people that don't understand our house hold situation. Not having a fresh start, water under the bridge (trust issues), will they down the road decide they need to be with someone else...

Are there couples that have stayed together but mostly platonic? How has it worked out for you? Did you put rules even contracts in place?

My wife and I have been together one way or another for over 30 years. About 20 years ago we made the relationship "Official", as in got the guberment in bed with us. Part of pre-conditions she had beforehand was an "Open-Relationship". As long as the other knows and you don't bring home any microbial friends, sex is sex. Not to be conflated with Love, Honor, Commitment". I was OK with it also. We were far from exclusive for a good part of the 10+ years before her saying yes.

Seven years ago I dropped the T-Bomb on her. I knew before hand how much she loved sex with men. I heard many times afterwards how "I love men and how they make me feel". Or, "I did not marry a woman". Today her greatest fear is how with me slowly learning what is really is to be "Me" that I just may be the one to exercise "The Option"

Quote from: partnerspossibly on April 05, 2016, 10:58:23 AMDown sides I see are no sex, not being with a man ever again.

There are many kinds of satisfying sex other than PIV (Penis in Vagina).  Back when I had a functioning penis, my wife seldom reached orgasm from penetration alone.  Cunnilingus and manual stimulation were usually required and I was always able to bring her to a satisfying conclusion.  I still can and do.

The body has many erogenous zones, male, female and trans.  My wife didn't think she could play with and suck on my breasts, but when she saw my reaction, she learned to like it.  We also like to just hold each other close with our breasts intertwined.  Now maybe my wife always had lesbian leanings, but I don't think so.  I think she cared enough for me and our relationship to keep trying.

I am much more pleasant to be around now that I'm not fueled by testosterone.  I'm eager to please and, yes, a bit submissive. I don't think my wife misses the old me one bit.

Of course, I'm gynephillic (woman loving), and have no desire for men. If your spouse is androphillic (man loving) then things are destined to end badly.

Randi

I have known couples that choose to not have sex even in hetero/cisgendered relationships. There was a show on it on t.v. not too long ago. There are Asexual people all the time that find satisfying relationships without the sex. It's whatever you decide in your relationship that you both agree to that should matter, if you two are fufilled this way, why not? You can always masturbate if you want to if you have a need and cuddle with your honey afterwards. People have disabled spouses and they work around it as well. Plus as someone pointed out, there are many other things you can do to please each other. You don't have to opposite sex organs. Sometimes, the emotional pleasure out weights the sexual ones. 

Quote from: Randi on April 07, 2016, 03:21:29 PM
There are many kinds of satisfying sex other than PIV (Penis in Vagina).  Back when I had a functioning penis, my wife seldom reached orgasm from penetration alone.  Cunnilingus and manual stimulation were usually required and I was always able to bring her to a satisfying conclusion.  I still can and do.

The body has many erogenous zones, male, female and trans.  My wife didn't think she could play with and suck on my breasts, but when she saw my reaction, she learned to like it.  We also like to just hold each other close with our breasts intertwined.  Now maybe my wife always had lesbian leanings, but I don't think so.  I think she cared enough for me and our relationship to keep trying.

I am much more pleasant to be around now that I'm not fueled by testosterone.  I'm eager to please and, yes, a bit submissive. I don't think my wife misses the old me one bit.

Of course, I'm gynephillic (woman loving), and have no desire for men. If your spouse is androphillic (man loving) then things are destined to end badly.

Randi

Hi
I would agree that there are lots of other sexual things to enjoy then just PIV.. I wouldn't of said this 5 months ago however!
It's a hard one to work through.. But only you can find the answer:)
I quoted, this reply on your post as I think it's helpful in someway:)
Marie:)