Hi my lovelies!

So today I'm not feeling particularly good and I suspect the specific situation I'm encountering is probably fairly common, but it would be nice to get confirmation.

So I've been "exploring" my gender since the start of the year, and I've been careful to limit myself to long term thinking and trying to take my time and do things the right way and not pigeon-holing myself in an attempt to give myself complete freedom to go one way or the other...and despite all that, I now find myself squarely on one side of the fence and feeling kind of impatient and unsatisfied.

The problem is that when I was unsure, it wasn't a problem that I currently look like a boy. It could have gone either way, so it was totally comfortable actually...but my mind has been churning away on hypotheticals to try and work out how I feel about things, and one that I found quite enlightening was:

- If I had been raised as a girl, do I think I would be on this forum right now trying to work out whether I was really a boy?

For me, the answer is a resounding "no!". I simply have way more "girlie" interests than boy interests and I think that the only reason I never questioned my gender earlier was because it (my femininity) was so well integrated in to my boy persona and no one really pointed out quite how feminine I was until I got way older (my thirties until now really...I'm 38).

Of course, the really strange thing is that I've always been completely obsessed with girls right from my first day at school...it's only now with some reflection that I realise that being obsessed with girls when you're four probably isn't normal and definitely isn't what you think it is at that time (I just thought I fancied girls at a time when no other boys were even thinking about girls).

Anyway, so this is a problem, because now everything is pointing more and more to one inescapable truth:

I was always supposed to be a girl and this was inevitable (reading this back it seems like such a bold statement, but there's no other way I can put it).

And now I feel bad. Not because I'm uncomfortable with that truth, but because now when I look in the mirror all I see is the massive distance I'm going to have to travel to find the real me and I feel anxious and impatient because once you realise, it really can't come soon enough.

The bizarre thing is that for all my intention to stay measured and calm, I now kind of feel like I'm riding a rollercoaster because I've gone from feeling ok not knowing, to feeling frustrated now that I do know.

I think this is probably a common thing, but that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't help that I have a wardrobe full of great clothes, the sun is shining and I'm stuck inside because I don't want to go out being anything less than the genuine me. I've got wigs and I can cover my beard up well enough, but I don't want to fake it. I just want my hair to grow, my beard to be gone, my skin to be supple, and my life to be moving forward.

I think the real kicker is that the boy didn't want to be part of the world and shut himself away.

The girl can't wait to get out and live her life.

I think I'm going to have to hide from my mirrors for a while until I'm feeling better...

Orielle
x

P.S. I think I've given myself emotional whiplash!

I see two things in your tale and I feel and have felt both. One is an anxiousness to get on with it, and the other is rising expectations pushing us not to settle for less. You are most definitely not alone. I get through by working on something I can work on and putting aside for now things I can't affect yet. A good hot soak in a tub with bubbles helps, too!

Quote from: Dee Marshall on May 01, 2016, 09:10:10 AM
I see two things in your tale and I feel and have felt both. One is an anxiousness to get on with it, and the other is rising expectations pushing us not to settle for less. You are most definitely not alone. I get through by working on something I can work on and putting aside for now things I can't affect yet. A good hot soak in a tub with bubbles helps, too!

Thank you, good advice!

BTW, I love bubbles and a good soak too! I went through a prolonged period of illness over a number of years and am only just now out of it, but part of what fixed me was a having the hottest baths I could stand every day for two years solid!

As an aside, I've had a thought going round in my head for a while now, so I'm just going to say it:

I feel like one of those cats that you see in videos that thinks it's people! (if the reference is tricky to understand...I just mean, I was raised by a divorced mother and I think that lone role model probably made me think I was people too! If you get my meaning...)

x

Quote from: Orielle on May 01, 2016, 09:01:51 AM
The bizarre thing is that for all my intention to stay measured and calm, I now kind of feel like I'm riding a rollercoaster because I've gone from feeling ok not knowing, to feeling frustrated now that I do know.

I feel the same way. Not only am I frustrated that I didn't come to my realizations sooner in life, but now that I have, it's caused all manner of resentment and anger and impatience and disgust with the way the world and biology works that, even if it was unconsciously present before, is now pressing down with its fully-conscious weight with a vengeance. I am 10x more angry than I was before everything "slotted into place" and things started to make sense, and I got on the road to transitioning. I can only hope things start happening to offset or negate it.   

"Exploring" and "Limiting to Long Term Thinking" seem antithetical to me. Sounds like your mind was made up from the beginning, but didn't want to rush into things. So I'll run with that you came to some level of acceptance that you are TG and were in a "Now What?" mode till lately.

It is perfectly natural to become more and more anxious/impatient as the path forward becomes more clear. There is a lot of emotional baggage that needs taking care of that help hold us back.

Transitioning is a process. Simplistically put, it is to change. One of the most important changes is self acceptance. Some of that self acceptance necessitates going through some or all the stages of grieving which takes time. You had your sights set on what you believe you need. Now the process of getting there can begin.

Are We There Yet?  How often have we all said that on a car trip?

Self acceptance seemed to take me forever but yes, once i got there the impatience was part of the challenge ahead.  I just don't see that as negative so much as a realization of what our transitioning options are and how to negotiate the journey ahead.  The choices are so much better for us today than when I tried and failed a transition back in the 90s.  Today we have resources that I only dreamed of once upon a time.

Part of the fun for me are the many unknowns, surprises and even a sense of shocking myself along the way.  Yes a real roller coaster of thrills and near spills.  Can we really know how all this turns out?  We can savor the moments and enjoy the ride.

Quote from: JoanneB on May 01, 2016, 10:05:54 AM
Sounds like your mind was made up from the beginning, but didn't want to rush into things. So I'll run with that you came to some level of acceptance that you are TG and were in a "Now What?" mode till lately.

That's fine, you are entitled to think what you want, but that's not what happened.

Around christmas something triggered me and I began thinking about what I would look like as a girl. So I photoshopped myself and couldn't stop looking at it for the next couple of weeks. I then decided I should probably look in to things further and begin the "experiment". I purchased wigs, clothes, make-up, etc. ...but all of this is in my very first post.

So yes, I was most definitely "experimenting" because I had cross-dressed secretly when I was younger, and had always felt like it was some secret little fetish for a strange boy, so I wanted to make sure it was something other than that with my older (and hopefully wiser) eyes.

Limiting myself to long term thinking was an attempt to prevent myself going in any particular direction too aggressively as I have a fairly malleable personality and stressful events tend to make me switch mode somewhat. People have commented in the past that I can be very different from one visit to the next.

Anyway. Your perspective is most definitely appreciated. The condescension? I'll leave you to work out how I really feel about that...

x

Preaching to the choir honey.

Once we know it's easier to see what we want/need to do but almost all of it takes serious time. That has to have its downside of wishing to speed things up but we can't. We know it and it really sucks but a lot does involve simply waiting which sounds easy to others but so much harder for us.

I too am 38 but I avoid the regret of not working it out earlier due to my happiness with my wife and children. This is the right time for me to finally be me. My entire life has consisted of long shots resulting from the worst times in my life and any tiny change would have knocked my timeline so far off course I would never risk it even to be beautiful.

My current body is the price I pay and I pay it gladly but will do whatever it takes to fix it.

I appreciate I am possibly more blessed than many in that regard but if able to find one thing to make your life worth something so far to you and it may help.

Apart from that just ever onwards no matter how slow it seems we'll be going in the right direction.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on May 01, 2016, 09:57:46 AM
...
I can only hope things start happening to offset or negate it.

Absolutely! It sounds most unpleasant...

I've only lived with this feeling for a short while, so I'm sure I have no real idea what it's been like for you to go through a prolonged period of feeling this way, but I sincerely hope you manage to navigate towards a more peaceful place soon.

With love (and thanks for sharing!),

Orielle
x

Quote from: Tessa James on May 01, 2016, 10:54:52 AM
...
Can we really know how all this turns out?  We can savor the moments and enjoy the ride.

Amen. I'm right there with you on that one...

x

Whoops crossed posts during previous reply.

Totally get the experimenting thing just wish I had your skill with photoshop and other things you tried out.

My figuring out was mostly in nice hot bubbles over a great many hours. Scared to death of being labeled transsexual I checked out all other lesser diagnosis. ->-bleeped-<-, autogynophelia, fetishism etc but finally did have to face what I already always knew I was just a girl therefore technically a transsexual female.

So easy to just know I was a girl but so hard to accept the label. After emulating "normal" people for so long even including transphobia (oh the irony) I knew exactly what they would think of me.

With true acceptance of myself I am happy. The world can put as many labels on me as they want as long as I can be me I really don't care anymore. Don't get me wrong I care about people more than ever but I no longer fear them or their labels as much.

With that I can now access resources I could never imagine to help change my body to be as much me as possible.

Many of us feel transphobia (not sure I did). It's the same as when they suggest that really homophobic people are closeted or denying gays.

Quote from: Jerrica on May 01, 2016, 12:01:07 PM
Whoops crossed posts during previous reply.

Totally get the experimenting thing just wish I had your skill with photoshop and other things you tried out.

My figuring out was mostly in nice hot bubbles over a great many hours. Scared to death of being labeled transsexual I checked out all other lesser diagnosis. ->-bleeped-<-, autogynophelia, fetishism etc but finally did have to face what I already always knew I was just a girl therefore technically a transsexual female.

So easy to just know I was a girl but so hard to accept the label. After emulating "normal" people for so long even including transphobia (oh the irony) I knew exactly what they would think of me.

With true acceptance of myself I am happy. The world can put as many labels on me as they want as long as I can be me I really don't care anymore. Don't get me wrong I care about people more than ever but I no longer fear them or their labels as much.

With that I can now access resources I could never imagine to help change my body to be as much me as possible.

Hi Jerrica! Sorry for missing your reply...am I right in thinking you're UK based? I've seen your posts around and something makes me think that, but apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick!

Yeah, the photoshopping was ok, quick and dirty really. I deliberately tried to do the minimum stuff necessary to stay somewhat realistic. Smoothed out my skin, gave myself long hair and some makeup and hid my beard. I actually did two versions, because I'm half AngloSaxon and half Pakistani, so I did a lighter test with blonde hair (like my mum had) and one with brown hair like I currently have. Bubbles seem like a great way to figure things out too though! (and I have to say that to me you seem quite brave allowing yourself to take this journey against the kind of backdrop where there must be many extra conflicting feelings due to the family situation).

Like you, I struggle a little bit with the label. Obviously I'm a girl, that's what this whole topic is about, but saying out loud "I'm a girl" to myself is a little strange after a lifetime of thinking I was a boy.

I'm glad that acceptance makes you happy. Everyone deserves to live the life they need and want. I haven't had any encounters with people yet, but in general, I think London is full of people that just want to enjoy their own space and are thinking about their own issues too much to pay any attention to me. Obviously I could be completely wrong about that, but I guess I'll find out in due time!

I suppose the old adage, "hope for the best, prepare for the worst", applies here!

x

P.S. Oh, and yes, this forum and all of the other available resources are a godsend. So much support and lovely, lovely ladies (and gents!).

Yeah in the UK up in Glasgow.

Was completely terrified at the risk of losing my family to the point I was prepared to lose myself to keep them if I had to (early on). But fortunately now they and I have had a chance to get to know me none us would ever swap me for him. That was the most important moment in my life as it basically gave me permission to be me forever.

There are of course consequences we all will face from that decision and there will be difficulties but I believe we will manage. Not gonna pretend it's all plain sailing but there are so many more ups than downs.

Completely agree on the other people thing I have come to realise the same thing and repeatedly assure my wife that people in general really don't care what I wear or do (I like to bounce and stuff when I get excited). It is very liberating to feel and although people will look at me I am ok with that as nothing bad has happened to me. Quite the opposite in fact everyone I meet is so much nicer to me I love it.

Brave is a nice thing to hear but I don't think I could lay claim to that. If anything fear initially kept me moving forwards the fear of being lost to him again maybe forever. It's so scary to be that close to being real but feeling you could die out again at any time with no hope.

As time goes on I am getting stronger and more secure in myself. I have sworn to my family that whatever it takes I will never be him again (don't ask how far I'll go to stop him let's just say he's never coming back). It makes them feel better as I know they love me so much more now I'm 100% here at all times.

Body changes are slow but in its own way that can also play to my advantage.  At work I was Gerard for 10 years a reasonable worker with a buzz cut and all the social skills of a rock. Been to first night out then avoided all others like the plague despite my bosses legendary hospitality.

Now I am Gerry, skinny, active, bouncy, chatty, alive and still changing every day as well as pinkifying my work space and ladies facilities. Everyone has seen me change in front of their eyes over the past 18 months and everyone loves it but nobody has really asked me. I now chat to everyone there are smiles everywhere. So looking forward to Christmas night out this year.

The last step from most people's perspective is my name change to Jerrica which will happen as soon as my boss asks me or I cave and tell him (I'm not good at keeping surprises secret lol). The longer they have to know me as Gerry the easier it will be for them to see me as Jerri. Everything else will remain the same which is kinda funny but nice as I do just love being me.

My greatest struggle is my voice it is hard to believe myself when I sound like a guy. GP referring me too speech therapist so fingers crossed.

Hard to go wrong with the hope for the best and prepare for the worst approach.