Wife's txt; 
"Hey I'm sorry! I really really miss and love you. And I would absolutely love for you to move back in!"

My reply;
"It's hard for me too. Harder some times than others. I don't think we can ever become what we were. We both have done things that have bushed us so far away from that I don't think we have anything left to build a trusting loving relationship on.

I think the most difficult part about all of this is that I never really wanted to BE Ashley, so now that I feel forced to have no other option there was never this glaring reason to hate one another so we both still love each other very much.

I'm still stuck on the fact that I can't be Ashley fully unless I'm not there 100% of the time. I can't experience fully who I might have been had I taken this life another path. Realistically I'll never actually know that, bit at least on my own I won't drag you and the kids down in the processes. And that's the other difficult part is that I might bring you and the kids down further if my life doesn't end well. I think some part of this separation is in preparation for your Independence, at least from me.

I'm choose to live now, the only way I think that's possible is as Ashley, but I don't even know if that's possible anymore. We will see. Maybe ten years can show some window to the possible future.

I do know I love you and the kids!!! I do know I don't know what I'm doing, and I can only hope it's the right path for now. One day at a time.

I love you"

That last paragraph got me. I don't know what I'm doing.... Am I doing the right thing?

Ashley <3

Hello
I'm actually a SO... Can I ask does your wife accept you for, who you wish to be? Love is so hard isn't it:(


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

In my truthful opinion, you are doing the right thing.

I mean I dont know the exact detail in which your SO has in her response, if it may be coping, and accepting, slowly coming to terms in what you are going through, or if it may be another reason.

But your response is well thought through, considering your own action and the future in which it holds. Also feeling into considering how that affects your SO and children of what may or may not happen, you are considering the feelings of those you love and cherish, and wish not to harm them, if you yourself falter in your path to become 100% you.

Just know this, is that, open communication is always always always a good thing, so there may be a future to look forward to your family once again, as either yourself 100% or even perhaps in the middle, and there is the open opportunity if it arises to go back and have a great support system for the times in which you may need.

Kate <3

Quote from: jamiej on May 05, 2016, 04:22:02 AM
Hello
I'm actually a SO... Can I ask does your wife accept you for, who you wish to be? Love is so hard isn't it:(


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I think she accepts me for who I need to be, but doesn't know who that is yet. Hell I don't know. I'm 7 months in transition, and 2+ months on HRT. She isn't really seeing the changes.

Don't really want to get into the intimate details of our relationship, but when we are sexually intimate with each other she doesn't like when I'm "acting" myself. She prefers the "old me".

So it's kinda loaded to ask if she accepts who I want to be. Except for any intimate relation yes, during intimacy, she wants to be the passive, but so do I, so it's difficult to answer. Maybe you can interpret to me how she feels and how I can move forward.

I'm just scared of talking ng things with us back to "normal" for fear of my possible relapse to suicidal thoughts.

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This is a very hard situation for married transgender people and there are no easy answers.

Our spouses were attracted to and married a specific type of person and they feel betrayed when we discover our authentic selves regardless of whether we we aware of it when we got married. The fact that this is a medical issue that we are born with and that we are trying to address doesn't cut much ice with our spouses.

We know that we have to transition or we face unimaginable consequences. Transitioning in most cases means we lose our spouse.

Its a Hobson's choice with no good answers.

In my case I was torn apart when my ex left me and married another person. I never wanted the divorce and I still had feelings for her. The bottom line for me was knowing that she'd never accept the authentic me and if I stayed with her I'd have to continue to pretend to be who she thought I was. The pretending had already led to destructive choices in my life that were eventually going to kill me. I had no choice but to let her go and transition so that I could stay alive - staying with her would have meant my death.

I don't know much about your situation but I am curious if she is willing to accept the authentic you? If not then will your dysphoria allow you to keep living as your old self and not be Ashley? Have you considered taking her to shared therapy sessions with your therapist so she can get a better understanding of your situation?

You are absolutely doing the right thing for you. Unfortunately taking this journey means having to deal with some very hard choices.

She wants me to be the dominant person in the relationship, intimately and all around. I have always hated being assertive but I was because that's the way men in my family are. Especially my dad. She seems to sway both accepting and rejecting at different times.

You see she understands I need to transition. I attempted suicide twice and she cleaned up the aftermath the first time. In as little description as possible, it was bloody and she kept me alive. Feeding me to keep my energy up for a week. She loves me. We've been through a lot in the last year. She understands it's never been something I've wanted. I want to be the person I've fought 30 yrs to be. I want her.

BUT, even she does love me she doesn't want to see me become the person we both know I have to be. She loves the old me. So I'm not sure accepting me transitioning is enough. She needs to love the person I really am. Not the person she fell in love with.

Even more difficult we've both been with other people. Mostly trying to search for the missing pieces to fill the void we both left in each other. My problem with us trying to make things work is she was with my best friend of 20+ yrs. Now I can't even talk to him. He was also my cheer leader at the beginning of all this 1-1/2 yrs ago.

I would keep talking but I gotta get back to work. There just so many questions and this situation is just so dynamic.

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Question: Are you on hormones yet?  If so, how long have you been?

2-1/2 months. Things psychologically are much better. Depression and suicide wise. Endo is still trying to get levels to norm, but my energy levels are getting better, and my phycological state is much, much better.

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Quote from: AshleyMichelle on May 05, 2016, 08:41:24 AM
I think she accepts me for who I need to be, but doesn't know who that is yet. Hell I don't know. I'm 7 months in transition, and 2+ months on HRT. She isn't really seeing the changes.

Don't really want to get into the intimate details of our relationship, but when we are sexually intimate with each other she doesn't like when I'm "acting" myself. She prefers the "old me".

So it's kinda loaded to ask if she accepts who I want to be. Except for any intimate relation yes, during intimacy, she wants to be the passive, but so do I, so it's difficult to answer. Maybe you can interpret to me how she feels and how I can move forward.

I'm just scared of talking ng things with us back to "normal" for fear of my possible relapse to suicidal thoughts.

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Hi Ashley:)
I think, I recall reading allot of your posts under your previous user name, but I could be wrong.
I have thought allot about how to reply to your post/question above. I have come to the conclusion its a hard one to answer, but I can try from my own experience.
I completely flew off the handle when the man of my dreams, said he wished to turn into a woman. But I can honestly say now, that if she wanted to be dominated in bed and be her authentic self full time, I would have no issues with that. Maybe I am the exception, maybe I am not...but it took me from Nov till around March, to realize that nothing mattered to me with this person...they could be turning into an alien and it would not worry me at all. I love/loved this person for who they were. Its not the sexual side (and that was great) that I miss...it is the chats/the talks, the laughter the fun and everything else the relationship entitled. I originally ended my relationship because I didn't want to be with a woman in bed...that has changed dramatically for me over the last 3 months. The entire TG situation, puts the SO into a place in life they never thought they would need to go. Either a SO can come to terms with this or they cannot. For me, myself, I have changed allot, maybe I always was slightly BI (although I do not think so), I think its more that love means more to me now, then being worried about gender......but I know the thought of being with a woman forever..doesn't worry me anymore. I should mention we are not still together...because I acted badly at the start. I don't see how badly I acted now, as  bad thing, I prefer to focus on the positive now...which is this entitled me to find parts of me that I didn't know existed in all honesty. We (as in my ex and I) are still very very close, I still think about her, the moment I wake up and the moment before I go to sleep. Would I go back..to a real lesbian relationship with her being herself 100%..the answer to that is yes.
Possibly, your wife, was scared at first and has now had more time to think about things? Possibly she does love you and accept you for, who you really need to be..in the house, in public and in the bedroom, as well as being another mummy in the relationship. Honestly Ashleymichelle, it is a very scary time for your wife, from reading your first post, she obviously has had sometime to think about things.
but in saying this..I also 100% agree with what you have said, its so important that if you considered to go back, that you kept honest and true to yourself...and that you were allowed to continue your transition..as that is very very important as well. I truly believe we are here on earth, to be our real selves, and be accepted as such from everyone around us...easier said then done, I know.
for the now, my suggestion is, do what is right for you. If going back means you cannot be your real self, then I guess its not the right thing. I understand, where you say...you do not know who you're right now. Does your wife, possibly not mind about that...and can accept you for anything you end up...refer to my alien comment above, re my ex could be turning into an alien and I wouldn't mind:)
Keep communicating to one another, and keep talking...possibly consider some joint therapy together? or even just discussions together, where you both talk honestly about what you both need. But I think you're doing a great job right now...with being on hormones and working towards..at some point knowing who you're:)
Your wife, is going through a big transition herself right now too
Its a hard one I know. Thinking about you. Marie

Quote from: AshleyMichelle on May 05, 2016, 01:25:24 PM
2-1/2 months. Things psychologically are much better. Depression and suicide wise. Endo is still trying to get levels to norm, but my energy levels are getting better, and my phycological state is much, much better.

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Ahh, ok.  Then all I really have to say is this, and it may not hold true to everyone.  In the first few months, I felt sooooo much better, it was wild.  I was experiencing life, foods, smells, emotions, things that had been out of reach my entire life.  But I didn't start living until the beginning of this year, after I had been on hormones for about 6 months.  I look back at those first 4-6 months and I was truly insane, haha.  I was still learning to identify the mood swings and outbursts.  All of my relationships were strained.  If it hadn't been for my wife I probably would've come unglued.

Point being, if you're anything like me, you  need time to settle the tumultuous insanity raging through your body right now before you can really step back and rationally approach any sort of important decision.  Give it time and make sure your wife understands that her spouse has temporarily turned into a teenage girl who's trying to figure out how to function in the world again.  <3

My wife, BFF, and Reality Therapist, have been together one way or another for.... well over 30 years. Seven years I dropped the T-Bomb after a lifetime of her knowing I had 'Gender Issues" and my transition experiments.

My wife is also an independent obstinate old cus... She is going to do what she is going to do and DON't event THINK of telling her what she 'Should' do  Oh, did I say world class Contrarian? Even to the point of spiting herself?

I cannot ask her to leave me. It is up to her to. I cannot ask her to stay either

I think I have to identify with what KristinaM said. My phsycie is starting to be a bit like a teen girl. So at this time I don't want to make any big changes or life altering decisions. However, my wife/ex has been one of my biggest cheer leaders and at the same time a nay sayer. That's the difficulty for me. I need a rock. Someone who doesn't have anything but my own best interests in mind. Sadly I don't think that can be her. Maybe it is if I move back in... who knows what that might bring. I do know that I'm rooming with a couple of guys that are married with no kids and a 4 bedroom house. Rent is way to much but when when we do see each other they are always more than supportive of me and only me. But I love my wife and kids and I'd love even more to be back to that life. I just cant....  so f'n difficult wanting the impossible. My entire life I've wanted to BE a women. Now all I want is my wife and kids to support what I now realize is my only option. That is to stop pretending to be the man they knew.

Can I have both under the same roof with them......... loaded question and I don't think I'll ever really know...... depressing really. I kinda wish she would just leave it alone. What's worse is there are now times that I just wish I could walk away from it all and start fresh, but who wouldn't want that. Lol

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