As a young child I had an idea about wanting to be a girl but it was kind of normal for me as I have always felt that way and up until about 9-10 I thought the rest of the world felt that way before puberty too. As a small child up till about age 7 I used to rock myself to sleep every single n ight of my life to prevent what I called "the feeling" taking me over. My therapist believes it might have been to try and stop myself disassociating. But did I realise all this on a conscious level? No...but as time has gone by and I have received memories back that I realise just how much of my life has been spent dealing with this. But that is me...as you examine your memories you may find there is a bit more there than you first think?


Liz K

Quote from: autumn08 on May 05, 2016, 05:58:52 PM
By wanting to be normal guy, you're wanting to want to be normal guy, which means you currently don't want to. By describing your gender dysphoria as wanting to be normal guy, all you're doing is revealing your internalized-transphoria (don't worry I have thick skin, so it will take a lot more than that to upset me).

You lost me. I don't understand what you mean. When I say I want to be a normal guy, I mean I don't want to feel the dysphoria. I want to be happy being a guy and not spending every waking minute wondering what I am. I don't have transphobia. I am not afraid of trans people, nor do I have any prejudices against trans people.

I am not a young child, I am in my mid forties, so if it turns out that I am trans, it is not only my life that is affected. I will be affecting the lives of the people I care most about, especially my wife. I have a great responsibility to make sure I have all the facts before I do anything drastic and mess with other people's lives. Being a normal guy would've the best outcome for everyone involved.

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 06:10:58 PM
Being a normal guy would've the best outcome for everyone involved.

I remember that phase and I am glad I am no longer in it. I wont say I am happy but I am a lot happier now that I got off the hamster wheel of denial and wishing.

EDIT: fixed typo

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 06:10:58 PM
You lost me. I don't understand what you mean. When I say I want to be a normal guy, I mean I don't want to feel the dysphoria. I want to be happy being a guy and not spending every waking minute wondering what I am. I don't have transphobia. I am not afraid of trans people, nor do I have any prejudices against trans people.

Internalized Transphobia - Responsibilities = Cisgender Jayne > Transgender Jayne

- Internalized Transphoriba - Responsibilities = Cisgender Jayne = Transgender Jayne

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 06:10:58 PM
I am not a young child, I am in my mid forties, so if it turns out that I am trans, it is not only my life that is affected. I will be affecting the lives of the people I care most about, especially my wife. I have a great responsibility to make sure I have all the facts before I do anything drastic and mess with other people's lives. Being a normal guy would've the best outcome for everyone involved.

What facts are you missing?

Quote from: autumn08 on May 05, 2016, 06:34:05 PM
Internalized Transphobia - Responsibilities = Cisgender Jayne > Transgender Jayne

- Internalized Transphoriba - Responsibilities = Cisgender Jayne = Transgender Jayne

You lost me again. I don't know what you mean by that....

Quote
What facts are you missing?

Whether or not I am trans.

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 06:36:52 PM
Whether or not I am trans.

You already know the answer to this. I do not like being so blunt but this entire thread is you not wanting to accept the answer you already know. You want someone to tell you the answer. You want someone else to shoulder the blame and use as a scapegoat as you work through some seriously major decision that will have outcomes that are not pleasant.

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 06:36:52 PM
You lost me again. I don't know what you mean by that....

If you didn't have any responsibilities, would you want to be a cisgender male, rather than a transgender female, or are the two equivalent?

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 06:36:52 PM
Whether or not I am trans.

If without your responsibilities, you would want to be the opposite sex, you are by definition transgender.

Quote from: autumn08 on May 05, 2016, 06:44:22 PM
If you didn't have any responsibilities, would you want to be a cisgender male, rather than a transgender female, or are the two equivalent?

If without your responsibilities, you would want to be the opposite sex, you are by definition transgender.

Honestly it doesn't matter if I was cisgender male or female. I want the dysphoria and confusion to not be there.

Quote from: Jenelle on May 05, 2016, 06:43:45 PM
You already know the answer to this. I do not like being so blunt but this entire thread is you not wanting to accept the answer you already know. You want someone to tell you the answer. You want someone else to shoulder the blame and use as a scapegoat as you work through some seriously major decision that will have outcomes that are not pleasant.

I've offered my answer and I'm happy to be a scapegoat, but I don't think Jayne wants that. Mostly, I think she is just afraid.

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 06:48:38 PM
Honestly it doesn't matter if I was cisgender male or female. I want the dysphoria and confusion to not be there.

Not cisgender male or female, but cisgender male or transgender female. If the two are equivalent, then it is just your misconception of your exterior circumstances that is preventing you from accepting yourself.

Jayne,

Autumn hit a great point. It is okay, more than okay, to be afraid. I do not think there is a single person that has ever faced this that was not afraid.

I am not being silly here quoting Yoda, I am being dead serious.

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

While you live in fear, you will live in hate and suffering. I would actually say you are already there.

Quote from: Jenelle on May 05, 2016, 06:43:45 PM
You already know the answer to this. I do not like being so blunt but this entire thread is you not wanting to accept the answer you already know. You want someone to tell you the answer. You want someone else to shoulder the blame and use as a scapegoat as you work through some seriously major decision that will have outcomes that are not pleasant.

If I knew the answer I would not be awake at 2am wondering what the hell I am. I have no problem accepting responsibility. I also don't have a problem accepting that I don't know the answer to something. I have never pushed blame onto someone else for my own actions.

Quote from: autumn08 on May 05, 2016, 06:49:05 PM
I've offered my answer and I'm happy to be a scapegoat, but I don't think Jayne wants that. Mostly, I think she is just afraid.

I came up with the name Jayne when I joined this forum as an anonymous name that has no real meaning. When you referred to me as "she" in your above reply I had to read it twice because the first time I read it I didn't know who you were referring to. I appreciate you doing the right thing and using what you thought was the correct pronoun. Being referred to as "she" did not seem right. It didn't seem wrong either. It just seemed like it fit the username I have. If I was really trans, wouldn't be referred to as "she" make me feel good? (I think you are the first person to do that by the way)

My real name is John.

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 06:53:08 PM
If I knew the answer I would not be awake at 2am wondering what the hell I am. I have no problem accepting responsibility. I also don't have a problem accepting that I don't know the answer to something. I have never pushed blame onto someone else for my own actions.

I am going to continue to disagree with you, you know the answer. Instead of asking "what the hell am I?" maybe you should start asking "what the hell am I so afraid of?".

Quote from: autumn08 on May 05, 2016, 06:51:46 PM
Not cisgender male or female, but cisgender male or transgender female. If the two are equivalent, then it is just your misconception of your exterior circumstances that is preventing you from accepting yourself.

Cisgender male and transgender female are not the same. I would think transgender female and cisgender female are more equivalent. Both identify as female. Cisgender male identifies as male.

Quote from: Jenelle on May 05, 2016, 07:03:02 PM
I am going to continue to disagree with you, you know the answer. Instead of asking "what the hell am I?" maybe you should start asking "what the hell am I so afraid of?".

I am afraid of making a monumental mistake and ruining my wife's and my life because I made the wrong initial diagnosis.

I understand that transition is not easy and is likely very frightening. That is not what scares me. Going down any particular path is not the scary part, it is turning onto the wrong path in the first place.

I need to try and get some sleep. It is after 2am and I am struggling to think straight.

Thank you for your replies.

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 07:01:52 PM
I came up with the name Jayne when I joined this forum as an anonymous name that has no real meaning. When you referred to me as "she" in your above reply I had to read it twice because the first time I read it I didn't know who you were referring to. I appreciate you doing the right thing and using what you thought was the correct pronoun. Being referred to as "she" did not seem right. It didn't seem wrong either. It just seemed like it fit the username I have. If I was really trans, wouldn't be referred to as "she" make me feel good? (I think you are the first person to do that by the way)

My real name is John.

It depends on your beliefs and what you're accustomed to, so I'm not surprised that it felt strange.

This is anecdotal. I also felt strange the first time I was referred to as she on this forum, but now it feels nice. I'm lucky that I do get mistaken for female in public, at least until I bellow a response, but I live as a male, so even now I still think of myself as Adam.

Do what you've always done and get what you've always gotten.

If you start down a path and it's not right, you can always go back and try another. But if you don't try anything and just stay where you are now, will that be a good place for you or your wife? I took and continue to take small steps down a path, each time pausing and assessing if I feel I'm still moving in the right direction, and if I want to take another step. It can start with the smallest of things.