I'm sorry to bother you all. (Plus, English is not my first language and I'm sorry if my sentences are awkward)
I usually talk on another forum but I guess I didn't want to worry people there because I know a lot of them irl and, well, you know. Sometimes it's better to talk to strangers because you don't want your friends to see that you're having a bad day. And you feel like you shouldn't complain when there's so much worse (my situation isn't desperate or anything.)

I'm AFAB. I guess I felt agender, free and happy during my childhood. After puberty I was quite lost. I knew I didn't fit in, but why ? I struggled for a long time with my identity. I didn't understand. I desperately tried to be a girl for many years. I've always have a lot of girl friends so I learnt from them : make up, clothes, how to talk, how to behave, how to flirt. It was like playing a game. I liked it. It was fun. I've always been soft and gentle, so I didn't feel forced when I demonstrated my "feminine side", it came quite naturally. I liked boys and I was considered "pretty" so I had no problems finding boyfriends. I had some body dysphoria but I handled it for the sake of adventure.
At the same time, I knew I was lying all the time. I knew this was a role, except life was the theater.
It took me many years to understand who I was and I finally came out as a guy 4 years ago at the age of 28.
I felt like a coward hiding behind a girl's appearance. It didn't bother me for a long time, but in the end, it exhausted me to play the perfect lady in society and I didn't want to lie anymore. I wanted to live honestly.
I was in an established relationship for many years. He knew how I felt about myself (I always told him honestly about my state of mind) even if the "trans" word had never been said by ignorance. It was a bit difficult in the beginning when I decided to transition, but my partner, family and friends were all supportive of my transition, and I feel very lucky about that.

The thing is... it's complicated. I'm complicated.
I'm pretty genderfluid (I identified as bigender for a long time) but I feel I'm more on the masculine side of the spectrum. Still, I like androgyny. I never wanted to have a big beard and a lot of muscles. I love having long hair (it's dark, thick and wavy), I love wearing make up from time to time, I can rock high heels. I don't like to be "seen" in my day to day life, I'm more the quiet type who listens to others, but I can be pretty extravagant and fabulous from time to time.
I took Testosterone for 1 year, I had mastectomy. My voice changed, but I got no facial hair. I like myself this way. I stopped T because I was loosing touch with my empathic side, that is important for me, and because I was beginning to loose too much hair (it was awful, but it's allright now).
I want to change my papers, I'm sure of that. I want to get this little M on my passport.
The thing is... I'm a guy for my partner, family and friends, but I don't pass.
I'm small, thin, I have a delicate face, long hair. People misgender me all the time. Then they look at me with a confused look because of my voice. I'm pretty sure a lot of people think I'm mtf. It's ok most of the time, but sometimes, it hurts being call "miss" when I'm just casual and then I think : what am I doing wrong ? But I'm not doing anything. I'm just being me.  It's been 4 years since my coming out and I know this is going to be my life. No cispassing. Confused people. Explaining all the time. I could take T again, but I really like myself this way, I don't want to get a beard or a hairy chest for the sake of <not allowed> passing when I don't like beards and hairy chests (my partner has long hair too and he shaves). When I look in the mirror, I see a guy. Ok, I'm not the expression of ultimate virility, but I don't know what's the problem with people. I feel honest the way I am, it's just that it's socially awkward as hell. I used to work easily, now it has become so complicated. It's been one year without a job. And I'm frightened to apply to a new one because my papers are still F and it has become so difficult to explain the situation all over again on job interviews.
Sometimes I feel so tired. I've never done anything so difficult. I mean I've done many things in my life, I've been travelling in many countries, worked different jobs, I'm passionate about helping people... but I'm stucked with the sensation that I can't help myself and I feel so lame.
I can't even say I wish I was born a cisboy, I bet I would have made a transition all the same.
It was so easy for me to adapt as a girl even if I wasn't one. I have no doubt about my identity but feel I'm a failure as a guy and I'm ashamed of that. It's not comfortable. Not at all. But you know, honesty. And I can't go back, never, I can't pretend being a girl again, but being a guy with a pretty face, and so visibly gay when I'm not misgendred ? God. It's hard. I mean I talk with my hands, and I walk gracefully...this kind of things. But I've been protected of homophobia for so long because people thought I was a girl and now, I feel so fragile confronted to people's reactions.
I hate myself for being ashamed. Really, what's my problem ? Why do I have to be so hard on myself ? I wish I were different. And at the same time, I don't want to be different. I don't want to act or talk "to pass", what is "passing" anyway. I don't want to act or talk "hetero", I'm not. I'm a guy and I'm tired to be sorry because I'm freaking beautiful. I know, this is arrogant. But I could just spend my life saying sorry because of my face and people wouldn't be happy anyway. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I learned how to be delicate, gentle and ladylike.  I'm sorry I love my hair so much I would sacrifice anything to keep them this way. I'm sorry I prefer bleeding every month, even with all the dysphoria it gives me, than loosing my emotions because I feel like a zombie without them. I'm sorry I don't make a decent guy in the eyes of society but I'm still one so what am I doing with that ?
Sometimes I'm angry. And sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it hurts so much that I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up anymore and then I feel guilty for thinking that because there are so much people who love me and I react like a whiny bitch. I shouldn't complain like that. Shame on me. But it is hard and the pain is real. I know that I must learn not to care about what people think. I was like that before. But with the transition, with honesty, it's like I lost all my defenses, all the tricks I used to protect myself. I feel naked. It's frightening. I'm myself and I still don't fit in. I never will. I should be proud but I'm terrified. I feel like I'm doomed to walk naked in front of people without blinking an eye. Naked with no cock walking in cisland, good luck with that. I feel like I'm not going to survive for long (Can I at least have my heels please ? and some make up ?)
Guys, what if I'm not strong enough to do that ?

Moderator edited - Use of language.

Hi Enders
Here's my advice:
Be yourself, not a gender. Gender can be a rather cruel master. Look what gender makes people do! Be who you are, not a gender. Do the human thing, the person thing, the smart thing, the wise thing instead of the gender thing. Relax and take it easy by being yourself, not a gender.

Enders,

Welcome to the site. It is a tough road we travel. You are not bothering us. That is why we are here.

There is an increasing presence of gender fluid and non binary  people. It feels like you are in that range. It's okay and you are not alone. Are you seeing a therapist? I think you may need some help to work through some of these challenges you are facing. You are not  a terrible person. I am working though some self hate issues myself.

I am the moderator who edited your post due to what we call our Terms of Service # 11

Quote11. Foul or obscene language, and/or subjects belongs on the street, Please do not bring it on to my site.

If given the preference we would prefer biologically correct anatomical terms( penis, testes). However, we try to make this a site welcoming to all.

On that subject, I am sharing some links with you. They have welcoming information and the Terms of Service (rules I spoke of) that govern the site. If you have not read through them, please take a moment to do so:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Be patient with yourself. Reach out for help and questions whenever you want.

With warmth,

Joanna

Hey Joanna, sorry for the language. I'll behave. You can erase the sentence where I wrote the c**k word, I didn't want to be hurtful. I use more appropriate words for anatomy generally speaking, I was just sarcastic about myself by trying to portray how I feel sometimes.
It's quite difficult to find a transfriendly therapist where I live so I don't see one.
It would have been very hard for me, if not impossible, to access hormone therapy and top surgery if I had been honest about my non binary feelings. I could not change my papers either if I told openly that I am genderfluid and this is really important to me, I can't stay stucked all my life with F papers. It will even be difficult to get them as it is, because I refuse to undergo hysterectomy for the sake of administration (no problem if you want it personally but I don't) and it's hard when you're not "sterilised". They want to know for sure that you won't have children once you change your gender markers (I don't want to, but that's not the subject.) Plus, well, my "passing" (they judge you on your appearance too.) I'll have to fight to get my gender marker changed and I'm not sure if I will succeed. The process is quite violent. It's better to hide your feelings when you are out of the "classical narrative". And for example I can't tell that I don't take T anymore or it will never work.
During my transition, I had to lie and tell what they wanted to hear, I know that I'll have to do it again. It's hard to swallow because it makes you feel invalidated but it's how it works here. As long as my papers are not changed I don't feel free to speak honestly to a therapist. I would love to get a professional help to process things but I just don't feel safe enough.
Happily I have non binary friends who understand.
To Emerald, of course it is a "person" thing, but we live in a binary system all the same...
As I said, I don't like to complain but I guess I needed to. I should be strong enough not to care about all those things but I'm tired and I know that the fight is not over. I did transition for the sake of honesty, it's very important for me to be true to myself and to the others. But then again I am forced to lie if I want to be acknowledged in my gender. I am ashamed to do so but I have no choice, it's already so complicated.
I used to be very fierce but everything is done to make you understand that if you don't fit in you worth nothing and I sometimes feel very sick about all this.
I used to be at peace with my animus and anima, I was a fearless person, but getting the constant message that you're "not enough" is something very destructive and it's been 4 years. I had to convince my partner, my friends, my family, the doctors, my last employers. I did. But nothing was never granted from the start. For a lot of trans people things become easier as they "pass". But as I said I'm not willing to sacrifice anything in my personality or in my tastes (clothes, hair, etc) just in order to pass. Maybe I'm the problem, I don't know. I just don't want to cut myself from who I am as a whole. I tried to be /appear / act more binary for about a year and I felt awful. I tried to be someone else and it wasn't me. I know myself, I accept who I am, but I don't know how to deal with that image in society without being scared or feeling inadequate. I've tried so hard to be "invisible" for so long and I feel so visible now, it's like all my old adaptation strategies are obsolete. I took years to develop them and I can't rely on them anymore.
I sound weak again, I hate that.
Does anyone here relate to these kind of feelings ?

No worries. Don't feel bad about the language. Just in future have a little more care.

It sounds like you are in a very tough place. I have only been at the point of accepting myself as something other than a pervert for a little over a year. However, I still feel much of what you describe. I am also not presenting, because I am out to very few. I often feel very fake but will try to keep on my path to my truth.

Quote...I did. But nothing was never granted from the start. For a lot of trans people things become easier as they "pass". But as I said I'm not willing to sacrifice anything in my personality or in my tastes (clothes, hair, etc) just in order to pass. Maybe I'm the problem, I don't know. I just don't want to cut myself from who I am as a whole.

I have felt how hard just trying to get transition happening. You are between a rock and a hard place. Not one or the other. That must be such a challenge.

I am sure there are others who feel how you do.

I hope it smooths out and gets a little easier.

With warmth,

Joanna