As I mentioned on another post, I spent some time on Thursday doing a little bit of homework on some therapists I want to see here in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. Although I have a preference toward female therapists, I wound up speaking to a male therapist who identified as "gender non-conforming" when asked.

I wasn't put off by this for the simple fact that perhaps a male can provide me the support I need, right? What confused me is on his role in my transition. Friday May 6, 2016, was our first session together, so prior to meeting, we had already had some cards laid out on the table about who each of us are.

Nevertheless, I walked away feeling confused as to whether or not he could help me. Shouldn't a therapist help guide the conversation and not let it veer off track? Shouldn't they do more than just ask questions? Or is it that it was my first time ever working with a non-transgender therapist, this experience is new, and I didn't know how to take it?

I agreed to see him again next week, but could anyone recommend what qualities they look for in a therapist, what qualities you like about your therapist, or what your ideal therapist would look like?

I walked away with a bit of a plan, but I still don't feel like we accomplished much today. Perhaps I'm rushing things, as I do tend to be impulsive 

Quote from: Loved_PrincessMPLS on May 07, 2016, 02:34:58 AM
I agreed to see him again next week, but could anyone recommend what qualities they look for in a therapist, what qualities you like about your therapist, or what your ideal therapist would look like?

My ideal therapist would call me out when they disagree, ask questions when they think I probably already have the answer inside me, and point out anything they think I'm missing. They would need to have a lot of accurate insight. I've had therapists who had very engaging manner and were trying their best, but just didn't have a good grasp on real life.

In addition, I look for the red flags pinned at the top of this board.

The bottom line is that if you feel like this therapist is not right for you, they probably aren't. I agree that giving them another session or two might be worthwhile (everyone has a bad day now and then), but if something doesn't feel right, even if you don't quite know what, it's worth exploring other options.

Check out the transition channel dot com, Alexis is Great!

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- you might listen to your intuition. Listen to your feelings.

- there are different forms of therapy and different forms of how people like to be treated.
One possibility is to look for an experienced gender therapist who knows the process and can provide information and insight.

Here are some online therapists, its possible to ask if they also can provide letters for hrt:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html


hugs

Thank you for the replies, everyone.

I had my second visit with him earlier this week. The conversation started off slow but gradually he gave me a bit of homework to do:

List out, on a scale of zero to ten, what feels super comfortable in the world of RLE (or at least getting my feet wet in coming out) and what feels super uncomfortable in the world of RLE (or at least getting my feet wet in coming out), where zero is extremely comfortable and ten is to the point that doing whatever it is you'd want to do that would cause great emotional pain or you would be scared out out of your skin.

I'm thinking of using up all my coupons and discounts at major department stores to pick up a couple nice outfits and go out with my husband for lunch, dinner and cocktails and see if I pass or get any glares and stares.

Any suggestions, thoughts, comments, or critiques on this idea?

I look for personal recommendations by other trans people, as many as possible. Its hard to judge people without a lot of experience, which of course we don't have, so you won't really know until quite late in the process. Best to find others who done it.

I've had one male therapist, one female, and one male psych. I can't say gender made any difference to me.

One therapist had been though some very hard personal issues (they didn't tell me, but I'm good at research), and I felt that helped - they understood the nature of suffering.

The psych also let me guide the conversation, which I found odd at the start, but worked out really well. He occasionally asked questions, but on the whole I picked the direction of the session. I found that something would be bothering me and I'd talk about it, then in the time until the next session I'd find that issue resolved and I'd discover the next one. I moved from session to session until I ran out, then told him so and we stopped.

None of this was for letters, I just needed help. If it were for letters I'd probably have done it differently.

I'm unsure of your approach of basically saying I'll buy some nice clothes and see if I pass.

Passing has nothing to do with clothes. Neither does RLE.

RLE is about experiencing your life in your affirmed gender and feeling comfortable with being you. Some of the most successful 'transitions' don't 'pass' (I still am not sure what that means) as gorgeous women, but they are happy. That is what is important.

Am I an example, OK, I don't get misgendered but I am a long way from being a 'good looking' woman. But there is no doubt that I am one, both in my mannerisms my life and my interactions.

I suppose what I am saying is that you do not want to set yourself up for failure. If you buy some nice clothes and go out and someone misgenders you, what does that mean? How would that affect you?

What is the role of a therapist? As long as you do not have issues that need some degree of psychotherapy, the role of the therapist is to guide your thoughts, let you explore yourself.

This is a naive comment. But the the best therapists are never there, they are the sounding board, the 'catholic confessional' but never to judge you.

A good therapist is trained to know how your emotions, thoughts and structure are working and to guide you to use that knowledge.

I've said this before and it is worth repeating. After I completed my journey I was having a coffee with my original therapist and asked him when he knew I was trans. His response "As soon as you walked through the door. Why else would you come and see me? My job was to guide you through your journey. To allow you to realise what you wanted to do."

I will echo Cindy's statements about passing and being yourself.

I know many transwomen who don't pass well but who are thrilled with their transitions. They rarely have problems in public. Passing is a tricky affair and I often give the advice that the best attitude to take into transition is to be willing to live as yourself regardless of whether you achieve the appearance you want.

I like your therapist's idea of going out as a woman (whatever that means to you), and see if it feels right. But I encourage you not evaluate the experience based on how other people look at you, and instead stay in touch with how it feels to you.

Hugs and good luck. I'm eager to hear what happens.

I look for a good listener. They are mainly there a sounding board, but yes if my thoughts go in a direction that are a blind spot, or not helpful to me, then i expect her to step in and make some suggestions.

Sometimes you have to try a few before you find the right person to work with.