Hi Everyone,
I am 47 years old, born a female. This is the first time I have used my preferred name of David, and I love how it looks here.
Growing up, I always retreated inside my head and imagined myself as a boy. My mother was always trying to force dresses on me, and later, makeup. Whenever I imagined myself as an adult, I was always male. I loved playing with cars and trucks and knew never to ask for boys toys. In kindergarten, I always played with the boys as I thought the girls boring. My mother freaked out and went to my teacher to discuss this. She was afraid I was a lesbian (she was right about that.)
As far as I can remember, I never had a moment where I felt like I was in the wrong body, but one day, when I was in 7th grade, (US, junior high school) I woke up one morning and literally thought that my seeing myself in my head as a boy was wrong and weird. That I was messed up, etc. It was also then that I became increasingly more angry that I wasn't a boy and that I didn't have the penis, etc. I spent much of high school dressing to hide my body (mostly my boobs I now realize) and living in my head in addition to trying escape my mother's constant pressure to dress like girl. She wanted a southern bell and my dad had to explain to her that that was never going to happen. I over heard this conversation one night while brushing my teeth. Their bedroom door was open and I couldn't help but over hear.
I would go to bed wishing I would wake up as a boy and I wrote two journals full of angry stuff about having to wear dresses, etc., and other stuff of which I can't remember because I threw them out to keep my mother from finding them.
Since all of that, I've read about transgender topics off and on through the years. I picked the name David because my parents told me several times that they were told they were going to have a boy. In 1969, they did not have sonograms and they based their prediction on the heartbeat. My parents told me that I would have been named David. My mother then told me that she spent the rest of her pregnancy calling me David. I was in high school when I learned this.
I have tried for many years to like the body I'm in. Sometimes I succeed, but over the last 7-10 years, it has been harder and harder to fool myself. I don't like my hips. I don't like my boobs and I particularly hate that they are 36C and that binding is a challenge. And I have recently decided that they must go.
I've been in treatment for depression and anxiety since my twenties and I'm on medication. I also have a psychologist in addition to my psychiatrist. Two or three weeks ago, I decided that enough was enough. I wanted to know what's been going on in my head my entire life and that I wanted to finally accept the fact that I want to be male. So I brought the topic up with my psychologist and it's been a positive experience overall. Gender issues along this line are not her specialty, so I will probably have to see a gender therapist.
Anyway, I'm glad I found this place and nice to meet you all.
David
