My family has pictures I did as a toddler around the house where I'm obviously dressed as a girl. They also have pictures up of an event when I was about 10 where they had to practically force me to wear a dress.

Would it be inappropriate for me to ask them to take them down? I know it would upset them but I started T recently, am completely out and I just feel like it's them still holding on to their 'daughter'. They have a dozen in their bedroom.

My mother sees it as if I'm becoming a whole new person. I know she's trying to avoid the situation, avoiding to correct my name on our health care card (when I've had a name change), calling me my birth name etc. But I don't need constant reminders whenever I walk around the house. Those pictures already bothered me before coming out and now it's just even more uncomfortable.

I had the same problem with my family for a little while

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask at all.
I'm not too sure of the situation, but I'm assuming it might take some time to adjust; hopefully she'll come around soon.

For now, can you see if you can make a compromise? For example, asking her to move the photos elsewhere (for example putting them on the dresser in her bedroom rather than the living room coffee table, etc)?

I hope everything goes well!

I'd ask if they could be moved to an album or something. You could also suggest taking new photographs if you're comfortable with how you look now.

Quote from: Peep on April 15, 2016, 06:11:18 PM
I'd ask if they could be moved to an album or something. You could also suggest taking new photographs if you're comfortable with how you look now.

I was going to suggest something similar. A while ago I remember watching a video about how a young guy reshot photos from his childhood with his trans sibling (I can't remember if it was a boy or a girl) because he wanted to remember the nice moments but the sibling couldn't stand seeing their old self.

You could tell your mum that you recognise those memories are important for her but the way you looked back then is too triggering for you, so you would like to reenact them as if you had been dressed as a little boy (just shave your legs for the photos or you'll look creepy ).

I don't live with my folks so it doesn't effect me directly but I don't really mind, that's who I was then/how I was then...even though I'm a boy in those pics it is a part of who I was, I see myself as a person not a gender so it really doesn't bother me when I go around to visit. I even have a picture of myself pre transition with my grandmother sitting on the bookshelf in my living room. I love my nan (now deceased) and I love that pic and there's no way I'm taking it down just because I'm dressed as a dude in it. I understand it can be distressing and a trigger to have those pics up but there's not much you can do about the past and people's memories of you, better to focus on here and now and the way forward.

If they are ones that you see regularly and they upset you, I would let them know that and ask for them to be taken down. I don't think you should ask them to put away anything they have in their bedroom, since that is their space and not yours.

Agree with Peep - consider buying them a big photo album (if they're sized appropriately for an album) and ask for them to be put away. I also like the idea of offering to take new photos.

My mom is an <not allowed> like that to. Still haven't resolved that problem but I don't live with her any more.


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May I suggest something?

You are at the beginning of your transition and emotions and feeling are very raw then. I know mine where.

I couldn't stand seeing pics of 'him'. But after a while I realised that I no longer cared but also had a certain curiosity. To be honest I look at pics of him and wonder who he was and where did he go.

He isn't me. He never was.

Maybe when you see those pics of 'her' you can try thinking I wonder who she was? She was never the man I am.

But the memories are precious to your parents.

Try to maybe see the parents perspective. This was my child, we thought he was a she, he isn't he is an incredible young man that we raised as our child. These pics are just memories.

I agree with several suggestions here. I also wanted to say I agree with Cindy. It's really a difficult thing for many parents because they are watching someone they raised making drastic changes. My parents have pictures of me when I was young in dresses and braids and pigtails. My mother is very supportive but those pictures helped her. She cried a lot when I told her I was transitioning and it was harder because I hadn't seen her in years and I was living overseas. She needed something to hold on to. I could never ask her to forget what I was like when I was younger. Those are precious memories for her. My Dad and I have a rocky relationship and honestly I don't care what he does one way or the other. It's likely I'll never see him again and if he wants to bandy about saying he has a daughter, I don't really care.

Maybe tell your parents what picture bothers you the most and ask them to put it in their bedroom. Start with one photo at time so that it's less of a blow to them and it still gives them time to adjust.  It also will help them feel like they have some level of familiarity instead of just asking them to get rid of all of them at once. Their bedroom is their space,  so I wouldn't tell them to take those pictures down. No one should be going into their room except them anyway, without an invitation.

Edit: I just thought of something else. My partner and I went to Las Vegas and we had a picture taken at an event that we both liked so we purchased. It was about two years before I began transition, and it's the photo that my partner kept in his office for years, even after I started transition. He would have taken it down if I had asked him to, but it was a fun memory for both of us and I don't really mind. It's a little odd to see what I looked like, but now it's just a curiosity in the house. We also still have our prom picture somewhere in the boxes of stuff we haven't sorted through since moving back to America. 

The picture from Las Vegas is in a folder that can be opened or closed. If your parents aren't comfortable with moving a specific picture, you may be able to suggest a folding frame that can be closed as the first step and see how that works.

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Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess when T kicks in and I start 100% passing and my parents are finally correct with pronouns and my name I won't feel as weird about it, but I asked my parents anyways and they were okay with it and understood. It's a little weird now because there are just pictures of my brother all over the house and not me lol. I didn't bother them about the ones in their room though. I just find it so odd even my mums bookmark has a picture of me when I was like 8 years old lol.

My mom was really great and made a "vault" aka a big cardboard box, where I was allowed to put in anything that made me uncomfortable to have up (old pictures, things with my birth name, etc.)  It's still tricky with my grandparents, because they have a lot of pictures up still, and there's a language barrier that makes it hard to explain why I'm uncomfortable with it.

I guess in  someways not having contact with my family I am somewhat lucky, I don't have to worry about this stuff, but my roommate does. His outlook is they have a year to be foolish and silly when it comes to things like gendering and names. After a year then he will get mad, partly because they have a year to ''get over it'', and he will likely pass. Maybe try that with your family? I know it wouldn't work for everyone, I am not sure it would even work for me.

I don't have that problem with my folks. The ones that probably do have male pictures lying around aren't talking to me and the rest have girl ones. I like the photo album suggestion though.

I do have a somewhat similar situation though. I was a guy in my wedding pictures they're on display in the house. On the one hand I feel like that was still me and I need to get a grip. On the other hand, I don't want that reminder. But I feel like it's important enough to my wife to have a wedding picture, that I need to just suck it up. She did ask me if it was okay before putting them up though. Maybe one day I can convince her to do new wedding pictures with me as a woman instead, but she's so far resistant because they wouldn't actually be our wedding pictures.

Every time I go spend a few weeks with my mother, she brings out the old photo albums of me to show family. I just leave the room. She doesn't get it. I'm through trying. She's 80 years old. I give her a break.

Quote from: Emileeeee on May 17, 2016, 05:56:47 PM
I don't have that problem with my folks. The ones that probably do have male pictures lying around aren't talking to me and the rest have girl ones. I like the photo album suggestion though.

I do have a somewhat similar situation though. I was a guy in my wedding pictures they're on display in the house. On the one hand I feel like that was still me and I need to get a grip. On the other hand, I don't want that reminder. But I feel like it's important enough to my wife to have a wedding picture, that I need to just suck it up. She did ask me if it was okay before putting them up though. Maybe one day I can convince her to do new wedding pictures with me as a woman instead, but she's so far resistant because they wouldn't actually be our wedding pictures.

In your case I almost think renewing your vows might be a option and using those photos, or just redoing the photos as a woman.