I think it's time to come out to my mom and I need tips on how to do so.  Here's  a little background first.

I'm 30, FTM.  Married with 3 kids.  I only came to the full realization that I'm transgender in January of this year although I guess I've know on some level since I was 4 or 5.  I came out to my husband 3 weeks later.  As of right now he is the only person who knows. Others may suspect but haven't asked so I haven't told.

I know my mom is very accepting of the LGB community but I honestly have no idea how she feels about TQ+.  I really don't want to stress her but she won't stop making comments on the way I dress now so I think it's time.

Her comments don't bother me, it's just that she makes them around my mother in law. My mother in law lives with us and I know for a fact she is not quite so accepting.  Definitely not ready to come out to my mother in law because I'm not ready for the drama (and the whole world to know).  Because of this I feel like I need to come out to my mom before she accidently outs me to my MIL.

How do I do this without stressing her?  I know she will blame herself for letting me dress and act as I wanted when I was kid.

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Some people come out in a letter, and show some materials like vids later.

Here are a few materials that might help with self acceptance and explaining:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

This is an emotional description but includes a few points cis people might have ... like if it was caused by un upbringing (no people are this way) :

http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/


There are gender therapists and online gender therapists, who also might help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

Well you might simply talk to her, and ask her to keep it confidential for now.


hugs

Thanks, I will give these a look.  I know she will keep it a secret if I ask her too.  I just don't know how to do it without stressing her. She already has issues with anxiety and depression. Maybe  it would be best to just ask her to stop commenting on my presentation around my MIL and hope she doesn't pressure me with questions.

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Quote from: lil_red on May 07, 2016, 09:17:31 AM

How do I do this without stressing her?

You can't control whether she'll be stressed or not. That's up to her. If being trans troubles her, that will be so, regardless of how you tell her.

"Mom, perhaps you've heard about transgender people. The were born needing to be a different gender from their body sex. I need to tell you I'm transgender. Understand, this isn't related to anything you did or didn't do, and it certainly wasn't something I chose. It's understood by doctors to be something that happens before we are born."

How she takes it is up to her.

Good luck and hugs.

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 07, 2016, 11:28:44 AM
You can't control whether she'll be stressed or not. That's up to her. If being trans troubles her, that will be so, regardless of how you tell her.

"Mom, perhaps you've heard about transgender people. The were born needing to be a different gender from their body sex. I need to tell you I'm transgender. Understand, this isn't related to anything you did or didn't do, and it certainly wasn't something I chose. It's understood by doctors to be something that happens before we are born."

How she takes it is up to her.

Good luck and hugs.

Thanks.  I will mostly likely tell her sometime this weekend. We'll see how it goes.

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Update: I finally came out to her. She was upset because she doesn't understand  it but said she loves me regardless.  She blames herself even though I tried to explain to her the science behind it and that it had nothing to do with how she raised me.  She said I should not come out to anyone else and shouldn't transition.  We had a short religious discussion that I did not appreciate, but all in all we ended the entire discussion on good terms.  It went about as I expected it to.  Thanks everyone for your advice.



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Quote from: lil_red on May 18, 2016, 05:15:32 PM
Update: I finally came out to her. She was upset because she doesn't understand  it but said she loves me regardless.  She blames herself even though I tried to explain to her the science behind it and that it had nothing to do with how she raised me.  She said I should not come out to anyone else and shouldn't transition.  We had a short religious discussion that I did not appreciate, but all in all we ended the entire discussion on good terms.  It went about as I expected it to.  Thanks everyone for your advice.



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Imo you might tell her that is an accepted medical condition, show her the brochure from a national health service from the first link, and that the established treatment is transition if people need it.
It has nothng to do with religion.
Its a birth condition and people needing a crutch would not be denied one either.
Its not a perfect world yet so such things happen.
Its simply how people feel and its a recognized condition.


hugs

Quote from: Laura_7 on May 18, 2016, 07:10:38 PM
Imo you might tell her that is an accepted medical condition, show her the brochure from a national health service from the first link, and that the established treatment is transition if people need it.
It has nothng to do with religion.
Its a birth condition and people needing a crutch would not be denied one either.
Its not a perfect world yet so such things happen.
Its simply how people feel and its a recognized condition.


hugs

Thanks Laura, I will do this when she is ready. I offered to bookmark some links on her computer but she said she doesn't want to know anything about it.  I think I'm going to give her a little time for it to sink in and then print out one of the above links for her so she can read it if she wants to.

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Quote from: lil_red on May 19, 2016, 07:03:05 AM
Thanks Laura, I will do this when she is ready. I offered to bookmark some links on her computer but she said she doesn't want to know anything about it.  I think I'm going to give her a little time for it to sink in and then print out one of the above links for her so she can read it if she wants to.

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You might tell her its a recognized medical condition and not only something imagined.

Hope all goes well 


hugs

I don't know how much of a focus she's putting on religion, but if it's a decent amount, I'd suggest looking up all the places that mention being trans in a bad light. If the religion is Christianity, it's 1. Then read the rest of the same chapter with them, so they can see that the other verses in the same story apply to them too. It's surprising that a religious discussion would ensue if she's pro LGB though. They're spoken of much more harshly in the bible.

Parents blaming themselves is normal too. It took my mother about 2 weeks to come around to talking to me and she cried the whole time. It took another few months to be okay with it all.

Quote from: Emileeeee on May 19, 2016, 07:41:19 AM
I don't know how much of a focus she's putting on religion, but if it's a decent amount, I'd suggest looking up all the places that mention being trans in a bad light. If the religion is Christianity, it's 1. Then read the rest of the same chapter with them, so they can see that the other verses in the same story apply to them too. It's surprising that a religious discussion would ensue if she's pro LGB though. They're spoken of much more harshly in the bible.

Parents blaming themselves is normal too. It took my mother about 2 weeks to come around to talking to me and she cried the whole time. It took another few months to be okay with it all.

I stopped by this morning to check on her and she is not taking it so well.  Most of her focus is on the religious aspect but mostly because it's making her question her religion (Christianity).  She's always been worried about me because I'm agnostic.  She fears this is the nail in the coffin that will send me to Hell.  She's not homophobic or transphobic. Her best friend was a gay man that passed away from cancer. She just believes in the bible and can't bear the thought of her loved ones being in hell.

She told me she has Doctor appointment this morning and is going to get a referral to a therapist for herself. So I guess this is a good thing.

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I posted on another thread about an article I just read that might help. It was on patheos and was an interview with a theologian. The title was something like "if god made us male and female, what about intersexed". It was from about a year ago. It talks about transgender in there too. I'd look it up and direct her to that. I also saw one on a site that was I think called baptist news and was a take on transgender from the perspective of a pastor (in a good way).

In my personal experience, people that focus a lot on religion have no concept of the fact that anybody can be born both male and female biologically, much less in the mind. If god made everybody and everything, he made you this way too. That's what they need to get through their heads.

Quote from: lil_red on May 19, 2016, 09:11:42 AM
I stopped by this morning to check on her and she is not taking it so well.  Most of her focus is on the religious aspect but mostly because it's making her question her religion (Christianity).  She's always been worried about me because I'm agnostic.  She fears this is the nail in the coffin that will send me to Hell.  She's not homophobic or transphobic. Her best friend was a gay man that passed away from cancer. She just believes in the bible and can't bear the thought of her loved ones being in hell.

She told me she has Doctor appointment this morning and is going to get a referral to a therapist for herself. So I guess this is a good thing.

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This is simply a biological condition.

Some people compare it to epilepsy where people also presumed all kinds of things including posessions while its simply biological.

Transgender people have been around in all cultures so it has nothing to do with culture but has to be biological.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people.

Here is a brochure from a national health service:

http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

Its not a perferct word yet. People have birth conditions. So they need medical remedies.
The recognized remedy is transition. Other people are called to help in love then.


hugs