Quote from: V M on March 14, 2016, 04:28:06 AM
I am so sorry to hear of this development Felix, I have often read your posts of the good and the bad times and the many struggles throughout the years and had hoped along with you for things to get better

Hugs

Thank you for your time reading it. I didn't mean to say all that much stuff. I would rather be helping others than kvetching but I'm frustrated right now.

i got offered from my uncle to go to another city with our grandma and it makes me happy.
but i got a biometric appointment along with my therapist appointment around that time. i don't know if i could go. it makes me sad and kinda mat at the same time.

Finally got the ball rolling by seeing a nurse to fill in my referal form for Charring Cross. But I have to get another blood test done . I was looking forward to not having to get another one until I was 9 months on T.

I've finally plucked up the courage to sign up for an adult event that's happening soon in my region. I've been to similar events and had wonderful experiences, but those were for a more general audience and as such the attendees were mostly hetero.

This one is exclusively for gay men... but even though I'm as cute as a button and pass so well that nobody knows I'm trans unless I tell them, I am of course going to be rocking up with some unexpected body parts.

I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also very nervous. I am probably going to have to out myself and I could wind up having a good time and facing some horrible rejection all on the same night.

The laundry room at my apt.s is often rather busy so it is sometimes difficult to get a chance to make use of it 

Well after feeling a bit frustrated for the past few days I finally got my chance last night

It's rarely felt so good to finally have some clean clothes and bedding again

Quote from: Felix on March 14, 2016, 03:15:09 AM
I finally asked for a county foster placement for my kid. I'll miss her a lot. I've based almost my whole identity on her for 17 years. We have stuff we do together that neither of us will ever find other partners for, like insect collecting or singing the stupid songs we make up.

I'm unhappy because I'm intentionally removing my only family from my life, but I'm happy because oh my gosh. She kicked me in the face yesterday when I leaned over to pick up stuff off her floor. She threatens to kill my cat. She is taller than me and only five pounds lighter. She punches and spits and bites and never remembers. She'll give me wounds and then have her feelings hurt when I'm cold to her an hour afterward. I can't handle it anymore.

She gets the police called on us all the time. And they think I'm her pimp because of course a young guy giving orders to a teenage girl is a pimp. Or they think I'm her brother. Even when I show my ID and her school ID they ask if I'm her real dad or her "street dad." I usually out myself to explain how young I look but half the time they have no idea what transgender even means.

I don't think my kid even understands that her actions affect other people. She's charismatic and knows all about pokemon but she's violent often and impulsive. She darts into traffic mindlessly and often eats things that aren't food. She has killed enough small animals by petting and hugging them (like Of Mice and Men) that she's just not allowed to hold them. And strangers in public always always always act like I'm being needlessly strict with how many things she isn't allowed to do. People chew me out every day, either because I'm giving my kid too many rules or because my kid is flipping out and they think I should discipline her better.

I can't win and I'm tired. I love my daughter but I'm tired of being banned from stores and having friends wanting nothing to do with us. I'm tired of the cops. I'm tired of the aches and pains from her messing up my joints and teeth and skin. I'm tired of how poisonous it is to have the only human who loves me hit me all the time.

So yeah it's horrible I'm giving up on her. But it's also joyful because I'm desperate for a break. I put in a request for 1 or 2 months and what I get depends on how ambitious the care provider is.

Felix,
You have my uttermost respect and total love. I have an inkling of what you have been through and you are a wonderful father to her. But sometimes we need help. You are doing the right thing in my mind.

Love and Hugs my brother

Cindy

Wasn't today but my wife telling me I'm looking too female. I was sad that she was sad (she can struggle at times which is ok) but I was bouncing up and down with happiness for me.

I woke up fairly happy today i haven't done much but i felt more active then recent days meaning i am probably coming out of my depression. I made myself some breakfast had some toast and coffee going to get some tea soon.
And the bad thing is my dysphoria tends to be triggered by others transition pictures and creates me to have so much anxiety i'll start to feel minorly ill. So that's no good but i manage it just means keep fighting to get what i need

Got my pierced Sun . But I have a 6 week wait to see if it'll heal properly unlike the last time I had my ears pierced

My referal letter for Charring Cross came today . But it's a 13 month wait 

Being referred to by one of my elderly neighbors as a very kind person who is always helping others    Unfortunately he ended it up with saying that I was a rather kind man 

Rather than raising a fuss I just smiled and said "That's because I'm a girl"    Thinking that I was just joking around like I often do he chuckled a bit and said "Oh you, got me again"

But I could see the gears turning in his head as he was thinking it over 

My glasses broke so had to get new ones which was great; my old pair don't really suit my new face anymore. But they were a bit expensive. On the plus side again the optician didn't have any problems changing me details to that of my new name and social title . I often hear stories of trans people facing discrimination but my experiences so far have been positive. Nobody really cares and will treat you no differently. I know I'm lucky though to be living in the area I do and that's it's most likely only a matter of time; but usually we worry for nothing.

Unhappy: my ex and our eldest daughter were involved in a car crash. He was rear-ended in stationary traffic & they were wedged between two cars. His car is probably a write-off.

Happy: apart from a few aches & bruises they're both ok, thank goodness.

Good: Going to orientation for my new job on Friday. Bad: going to orientation for my new job on Friday. Change makes me nervous. (Transgender and CHANGE makes me nervous? Manic laughter!!)

Bad: Today, the psychologist doing the groundwork for diagnosing me as transgender revealed something to me: Apparently, my personality and worldview are quite unusual. As in, they deviate from the standard Jane Doe model significantly. This has led the medical personnel to think that there's a significant risk of me developing psychosis if I went on HRT. So, it's pretty much 90% certain that my transition has been delayed with at least several years. Previously, it was only about 80%, given that these particular medical personnel are world champion-level gatekeepers.

Good: Their diagnosis is not my death sentence, and I can try again after a few years on the adults' clinic. I'm not actually insane by any measurement. I can now add "Official Weirdo" to my calling card. I've gotten more determined to make a better life for myself in the meantime. My parents are NOT authorized to know about this development. And I picked up some snacks along the journey.

I watched Imaginaerum again. I enjoyed it but it's so sad the relationship between Gem & Tom made me realise how I also pushed Dad away from me as I felt I was  a disappointment to him.

Sweetie (time to stop calling her that, her name is Randi) had a discussion this evening. She said that she was sorry she had been mad yesterday and had come to the conclusion that the only thing that can save our friendship is divorce. She's not asking me to leave or much of anything else but has decided that being married is holding her back from accepting me as I am. I'm both relieved that this fighting will end and mourning the end of a thirty five year marriage. It will be good to have my best friend back, though!

Second round of intensive electrolysis sessions at the o2 clinic in Antwerpen. 8 hours today, and I'm expecting around 4 tomorrow.

My face is swollen to no end. The upper lip is such a tough guy to crack...

The spouse says I am permitted to try HRT   as long as I don't "turn into a woman like that Bruce Jenner."

No, dear.  I intend to be an entirely different woman.  Oh, well.  It's a start, I suppose.

Been sick all last week with a stomach bug    Seem to be finally getting over it