Hello ladies and gentlemen.
I saw a psychologist for the first time yesterday in an attempt to understand and unravel myself a little bit. Overall, I think it went quite well. It was a new experience for me (first time ever) so it was a little daunting and confronting, but the psychologist did well to keep me calm and comfortable.
It was more or less a "get to know you" session. She informed me, after the session had started, that she wasn't overly experienced in gender therapy, but could help and would refer to a specialist if/when needed. We talked about life, worries and how I'm coping with things.
I'm a full time uni student taking on a marketing internship, working every now and then, living at home with the parents and girlfriend. Exams are coming around and I'm feeling like the stress is building. She said that she can see anxiety in me in the way that I cope with things, how I view myself, how I talk to myself etc.
I've got another session booked in next week. For this week, she asked me to really look at how I think about things, what situations trigger what thoughts and how this affects feelings and behaviours. She knows of my crossdressing habits, my thoughts and feelings on myself and so on. She said that it is impossible to uncover everything right away, which I understood, and will take a few sessions of talking.
My biggest sticking points are:
- Considering my partner in what I decide
- Doing this all in private behind peoples backs
- Just wanting to be happy and comfortable in who I am and making sure I'm making the right decision
I'm trying to put the most positive spin on everything, though it's really hard. I always think "why me?" I feel shame and guilt in feeling like this, even considering this and going to see a therapist. But I'm fighting hard to look at it positively.
I guess more is to come, so we'll see what happens.
