I don't know what I'm doing wrong but i'm getting clocked more frequently and did the day i posted this... and now I feel like committing suicide. This is why i hate being transgender and I'm already depressed that I can't have my own children but to be called a man and to be read when I'm out on the street; it's really traumatising and I don't think I'm equipped  with the mental wherewithal to withstand going through something like this.

I don't feel like a girl at all. I feel ugly. I feel like an impostor. This is not the kind of life i wanted to live. I want to be a full-fledged female, not be transgender and end up having to transition. I can't wait for my srs.

It is so unfair that I could not even been born a girl so I won't have to go through any of this in the first place but now I'm done. I freaking quit. I really don't want to live any longer but I do believe in reincarnation solely for the reason that I really want to come back so I can actually be a girl and not be trans. I don't even know why I'm even posting this here on this site but I did look through the terms of service and did not see anything regarding post about suicide so and I just need someplace to vent so here I am.

Big hug! Sometimes it helps just to get your thoughts out.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, please call a suicide hotline, the numbers are all over the site.

Hugs, Devlyn

Please please know that you are loved! I am 56 and started my ftm transition a year ago. I still get misgendered and and wonder am I enough.....the answer every time is YES I am!! One thing I found is going to a support group. I realized that I am not alone in my journey and that other trans brothers and sisters at time feel or go through the same things that I do. Message me and I'll be more than glad to give you my phone number and you can call me anytime.
My name is Mason and you are not alone!

I can relate to your feelings. I hate it every time people 'sir' me too.

If you are in the US or Canada, I highly suggest calling Trans Lifeline (http://www.translifeline.org/). If you have trouble getting through, hit the redial, as they are sometimes understaffed. I suggest them because they are run 100% by trans people, so the person you talk to will be able to relate better to your feelings and experiences.

Here are their numbers: US-> (877) 565-8860, Canada-> (877) 330-6366

Are you able to identify the reasons, traits, features that make you clockable? If not, it might be helpful if you ask someone to help you with that. Not all friends can be brutally honest, some might sugarcoat. When you know which traits are outing you, you can make a reasonable plan to improve the things that can be improved, or made less noticeable.

I want you to know that it's perfectly natural to feel the way that you feel.  Just let it be a feeling that you have; but PLEASE don't act on it.  The fact that you care, that you can still get upset, that you want to live another life as a cisgender woman...it's all evidence that  you care about your life, and that's good.  Try to better accept yourself as trans, because you are entirely a Woman, and on this site we all accept you that way.  Anyone that doesn't accept you has the problem and there will always be those people, so don't rely on them.  Accept yourself, be happy, and be good within yourself.  There will always be people here that are entirely on your side.  And I hope you feel much better, because you deserve to.

Big Hugs. You can make it hon!

Here's what happened. I was at an indoor train station. I was going to go to a pizza place to grab a quick bite to eat. As i walk there, there's a female right in front of me also going there. She had a green shirt on and black leggings. She stops and looks at me and had a bitter look on her face. Green Shirt wasn't mad at me at all, just looked tired for some reason. For that reason, i backed up because i didn't want to give Green Shirt a reason to want to fight me. Mind you this is a train station so there is no doors but there's a line there. Green Shirt backs away and looks around like she's looking for somebody. She sees me as is like "go 'head!" with an attitude. I put my hands up briefly, silently saying "if you say so" and enter. Another young lady, this one wearing a Muslim scarf on her head, asks her what's going on. Green Shirt points me out as goes "her." Scarf Head looks at me briefly as i nervously walk around the pizza parlor and exit it and tells Green Shirt "that's a boy" pointing out my height and whatnot. They watch me walk away. As Scarf Head talks garbage about me, i give her the finger and she mumbled something to me.

That situation made me so nervous that it destroyed my appetite! I cried for a good 10-20 minutes as it had me emotionally destroyed. I feel better now, not entirely but... i guess some healing is better than none at all.

Quote from: pastry on May 25, 2016, 03:27:44 PM
Are you able to identify the reasons, traits, features that make you clockable? If not, it might be helpful if you ask someone to help you with that. Not all friends can be brutally honest, some might sugarcoat. When you know which traits are outing you, you can make a reasonable plan to improve the things that can be improved, or made less noticeable.

I think my bulge maybe gave me away as i was wearing skinny jeans. My Adam's apple may have been discovered. I guess I need to stuff my bra, which i'm tired of doing, while waiting for them to fully grow. I have no choice in the face part but to wear makeup and save for ffs.

I get clocked a lot too, but I can't say I've ever had someone be that rude about it. There was a guy at the Y today that I kept catching giving me the eye, the one that says are you a guy or a girl and don't come near my kid. It's a kid's swim class that I was at with my daughter, so it put me on edge. I get the look a lot, but it tends to only be a few people in each place I go, not the whole lot of them. I act like it doesn't bother me at the time and move on.

Think about it this way though. They don't know for certain that you're transgendered. There are lots of cis women out there that get clocked as being transgendered too. My step-mother has always looked more like a guy than I ever did with a deep voice, broad shoulders, muscular. What they're seeing is that you look more masculine than they think a woman should. They're also looking for specific "signs", much like a religious extremist would cherry pick things to support their stance and ignore the ones that don't. It sounds like the woman in the scarf didn't see you as a guy until the other woman made it a thing, so it doesn't sound like you were as unpassable as you think. I think maybe that verbal attack set you off balance enough to cause your confidence to fade and people like that love pouncing on people with low confidence.

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on May 25, 2016, 05:57:16 PM
I think my bulge maybe gave me away as i was wearing skinny jeans. My Adam's apple may have been discovered. I guess I need to stuff my bra, which i'm tired of doing, while waiting for them to fully grow. I have no choice in the face part but to wear makeup and save for ffs.

I don't stuff my bra and barely have more than an A, I think. My wife keeps buying me B cups and they're definitely too big. They actually make them look smaller. You need to find stuff that complements your body well. I'd love to be able to wear stretch pants to the gym, but it's not going to happen pre-op. Likewise when I wear jeans I wear them slightly baggy with a double layer of panties (normal ones on the inside for comfort and the bottoms from a sports bra & panties set over top, which is much tighter). You can always address any visible bulge (as long as it's not too visible) as a pad. Not much you can do with an Adam's apple in the summer time, but there are women that have them defined too.

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on May 25, 2016, 01:51:35 PM
I do believe in reincarnation solely for the reason that I really want to come back so I can actually be a girl and not be trans.

I wouldn't bet on that. If there is such a thing, I doubt you get to choose. I feel like if you could choose, I'd remember past lives. Sometimes I have wondered if reincarnation is real and I was always a woman in life before. Maybe I've been returned as transgendered for hundreds of years because I can't move on until I "man" up and do the transition.

You are in Philly, there is Thursday group at Mazzoni 21 South 12 street 8th floor 6-7 PM. Also, Transway at 1315 Spruce at William Way from 7:30 to 9:30 (social group).

I will be at Mazzoni 6-7 and after some group members are working on a PTHC workshop. You are welcome to all three.

Share what happened and get support and if you are open to it, suggestions. We are a diverse and supporting group. 

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on May 25, 2016, 08:13:58 PM
You are in Philly, there is Thursday group at Mazzoni 21 South 12 street 8th floor 6-7 PM. Also, Transway at 1315 Spruce at William Way from 7:30 to 9:30 (social group).

I will be at Mazzoni 6-7 and after some group members are working on a PTHC workshop. You are welcome to all three.

Share what happened and get support and if you are open to it, suggestions. We are a diverse and supporting group. 

Whoa I didn't know they had that. I'm near Philly too and use them for all my trans needs.

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on May 25, 2016, 08:13:58 PM
You are in Philly, there is Thursday group at Mazzoni 21 South 12 street 8th floor 6-7 PM. Also, Transway at 1315 Spruce at William Way from 7:30 to 9:30 (social group).

I will be at Mazzoni 6-7 and after some group members are working on a PTHC workshop. You are welcome to all three.

Share what happened and get support and if you are open to it, suggestions. We are a diverse and supporting group. 

I'd be more than happy to if i had a car. I don't want to have to use SEPTA to get to and from there that late in the day.

Quote from: Emileeeee on May 25, 2016, 07:58:30 PMI wouldn't bet on that. If there is such a thing, I doubt you get to choose. I feel like if you could choose, I'd remember past lives. Sometimes I have wondered if reincarnation is real and I was always a woman in life before. Maybe I've been returned as transgendered for hundreds of years because I can't move on until I "man" up and do the transition.

If that's what you personally believe, that is fine, but please bear in mind that none of us have a deep, clear-cut understanding of what the reincarnation process is like and can only speculate. That said, i just have faith that i will come back as a cis female so i will patiently and kindly ask that you please don't say things like that to me and to respect my beliefs while i respect yours.

QuoteI don't stuff my bra and barely have more than an A, I think. My wife keeps buying me B cups and they're definitely too big. They actually make them look smaller. You need to find stuff that complements your body well. I'd love to be able to wear stretch pants to the gym, but it's not going to happen pre-op. Likewise when I wear jeans I wear them slightly baggy with a double layer of panties (normal ones on the inside for comfort and the bottoms from a sports bra & panties set over top, which is much tighter). You can always address any visible bulge (as long as it's not too visible) as a pad. Not much you can do with an Adam's apple in the summer time, but there are women that have them defined too.

Hmmmm... amazingly i forgot to say this in the OP but I decided to just wear my Apple Bottoms skinny jeans primarily because i wanted to expand my horizons... and by that i mean, I wanted to wear something other than my default (and i don't even want to say "default") skirt, tights, and flats attire. It was too hot for tights anyway. As it turns out i should've worn my skirt after all because as it turns out i can't really pass with skinny jeans, which is funny because there was a day i wore baggy, more manly, black jeans, my tight navy shirt, women's black hoodie, i had my hair in cornrows and barely any makeup on except to hide my 5:00 shadow and some jewelry i got from Claire's... thinking someone could possibly clock me but guess what? I still got gendered as female!

Well... my black jeans were not that baggy per se but not tight like my Apple Bottoms jeans so they're not tight enough to show a bulge that'll blow my cover.

QuoteThey're also looking for specific "signs", much like a religious extremist would cherry pick things to support their stance and ignore the ones that don't. It sounds like the woman in the scarf didn't see you as a guy until the other woman made it a thing, so it doesn't sound like you were as unpassable as you think. I think maybe that verbal attack set you off balance enough to cause your confidence to fade and people like that love pouncing on people with low confidence.

I hope that's the case but now i can't wait until the next time i go out so i can pay better attention to my appearance so i can be as passable as i can be pre-op. Unfortunately, we are on the verge of summer, so i can wear long-sleeved shirts and tops like i used to. My upper arms look muscular which are bound to blow my cover!

I didn't mean to sound mean on that reincarnation thing. I worked hard on that post to make sure it didn't sound like that, but I guess I failed. Sorry!

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on May 26, 2016, 08:35:56 AM
I hope that's the case but now i can't wait until the next time i go out so i can pay better attention to my appearance so i can be as passable as i can be pre-op. Unfortunately, we are on the verge of summer, so i can wear long-sleeved shirts and tops like i used to. My upper arms look muscular which are bound to blow my cover!

You'll be fine. My step-mother was literally a state championship bodybuilder for several years. She has more muscle in her arms and shoulders than I ever did. My upper arms are covered in ink, ink that I specifically asked to be as tough and masculine as possible. To the very few people that comment on it, I just tell them it's art and it's neither feminine nor masculine. I haven't worn a tank top yet though, just t-shirts that only expose half of them. I have to go swimming soon for a full week, at a place filled with families, as a woman. Women's bathing suits do not cover the upper arms. It scares me some, but I can't let my kids see that I'm too afraid to be myself in public and start doing it themselves, so I'll suck it up and do it anyway.

what I'm about to say is only my opinion and is not meant to harm or cause conflict with or to anyone. The day will come sooner than latter when this madness of worrying about ""passing"" will end and be given a proper burial .One day the trans community will finally reach out  in love to each other and and say it doesn't matter. We need to be the family that we are. We trans are one unique part of humanity.I think the day will come where we heal without fear. There will be no fear of rejection because we don't all look like movie stars.We need to be a strong communty to teach and learn and love.

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on May 26, 2016, 08:35:56 AM
I'd be more than happy to if i had a car. I don't want to have to use SEPTA to get to and from there that late in the day.

I haven't been to TransWay in a while.  TY for the reminder, Rachel.

Annaiyah:  If you'd like a lift in from NE Phila, send me a private message.  There's usually some on-street parking near 1315 Spruce at that time of day.

Fair warning though:  I don't really pass, & I don't care too much about that.  Even on the EL.

Be well,

Tessa

When these things happen it is hurtful.   Some people just have a sixth sense.   Ive also noticed that people notice less in rural areas: more in cities.