people come and go, changes happen but for me, change is going in reverse. I've become more distant, cynical, more apathitic and more critical. things are continually getting worse for me. now I not only hate myself, but I hate my very skin I'm in. so much so that no matter what mods I do or drugs I take, it'll never get rid of this. I even brought it up with my therapist. the truth is, I only go to therapy because it makes other people happy. sure I can show emotion and happiness but I just don't want to exist anymore. even more so, its just keeps getting worse. hopefully they'll hurry with a memory wipe thing like in man in black so I can use it and erase me ever being here

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We have talked before and you know the options that are available to you. At the moment, the only thing the doctors could offer you that might help is a blocker such as Spiro optionally combined with a low dosage estrogen. You are unable to live as you are and you reject a transition. That is the only other option that exist. You are not alone in this as there are a couple of other threads where people are resisting the transition however it seems the only way to do it long term is by suppressing testosterone.

I've given up on transitioning. it won't help. been there done that. only helped for the first few months than after about the seventh month, I still hate being in my skin.

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you know what, bad idea on my part in sharing. imma just remain quirt for now on. they say sharing is good but apparently that was a lie.

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Where your testosterone levels ever brought to and maintained in the feminine range or have you been attempting this with out proper HRT monitoring?

its not about being transgender. its just another nail on my coffin and yes, they were properly managed at a feminine level. when I went off them, I literally tried to run into traffic and get hit. it was a very bad to ever actually come back

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You do understand that it's possible to be transgender and have other issues that need to be addressed in regular therapy? We have others on the site that take both HRT and other medications to keep their brain where it belongs. You will only get out of therapy what you put into it. If you don't put in the effort to resolve your issues, your issues will remain. It will be difficult but waiting for the man in black isn't an option.

on a low dose of E my depression has really improved.

you know, I'm not even drspressed. the only reason I'm on meds is because of my last attempt at suicide but my doctor even questioned why I was on meds and why I was there to see him on the first place. my only issue is that I'm still stuck here and everyone is fighting me and keeping me chained here. its not about being trans or depressed, its the fact is what everyone thinks I should be doing is torture beyond anything to me. you know what, I've made a terrible mistake. I'm gone before I make anymore

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Who is insisting you do something and what do they want you to do. On this site we look for solutions and the only thing we request is that you find happiness. If you don't believe that, look at the non binary section where people have found many different ways to live. I am attempting to understand what it is that's making you uncomfortable and if the site can help you with it or if therapy is your only option.

thing thing people are forcing me to do is live when all I want is to die and leave this world, that's what people are forcing me to do. I can already guess that you and everyone else knows the outcome of the descison. no rush from it. not even to escape. I genuinely want to a need to just leave but again, all I get is "just try and I'm sure you'll like it" you can't convince someone who has has already tasted both sides and has chosen what side they want to be on. maybe in the next life it be better but not in this life time. I genuinely shouldn't of been born but since I was, now I'm suffering

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I have been where you are and what put me there was depression. My depression was because I was an untreated transsexual. I received treatment and I don't ever want to die. What is it that is keeping you from enjoying the life you have. You say you can't stand your own skin but why? You say HRT works but you still want out! You are talking around the issue but yet you wouldn't be back if you didn't want to talk about it or you want something.

I agree you may not know the answer to these questions but if you don't look for the answers, you won't find them.

I don't think you get it. its not depression and its already been tested and confirmed. without or without medication and or therapy, my need to just die is not going anywhere. with medication it only intensifies but that's fine. sometimes there are people who are better off not alive thus they won't suffer even if life is flowers and unicorns. I have the best family I can have, I don't need to want for anything, I have goals and plans but yet I still want to genuinely die. if you think that's depression than the definition is way wrong. in life we are given rolls and my final scene is nearly up.

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It's true, I still don't see it. I can find joy in the big and little things in life. I want the joy and I don't want a place of nothingness. Life seems to have no attraction to you. Is the reason pain or is the reason numbness. Even if you are numb, that shouldn't be pushing you away from life.

Why is it that you aren't attracted to life but instead are attracted to death?

I found that the further into my medical transition I got, the more my dysphoria shifted. So perhaps being on hormones, you were technically getting better but your dysphoria was changing to make other things you disliked more noticeable? Like Dena said, there are multiple ways to move forward. You've just got to figure out which steps you want to take.

the question becomes why should I live when obviously I'm in pain even in good times? frankly I'm still alive just to act as a scapegoat. see it or not, its not for me. anyways, this talk is getting no where. let this be my final reply. I'm going to just remain silent

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Ok, you are in pain, why are you in pain?

doesn't matter anymore. what's done is done. all that matters is I dug my own grave, now its time I sleep in it

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When you are ready to talk, you are on my reading list. If you don't wish to talk, that is your option.

thanks for the invite but I'll have to decline. talk is meaningless. its time for me to go. bye

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