I just want to be a man. I want this process to speed up. I can't wait years for hormonal therapy. I can't live like this. As a woman. I can't do it and I just isolate myself as I hate being seen as a woman and I just want to be able to be a man in some way. I'm crying and I'm in pain. It's not just an emotional pain, it's so big it hurts in my chest. I want to be a man. I feel so low and I can't cope anymore. I want to be a man. It's painful and eating away at me. I want to be me.

I've been there. I spent years feeling completely depressed; not able to do anything; afraid what others think. I wish transitioning was an overnight process but it takes many steps. What helped me from going completely insane was buying a binder; buying mens clothes (even if it was something small like boxers); or getting a haircut. Go to the GP ASAP as well of course. I wish I could offer more advice. Anytime you want to vent on Susans we're always here. Don't give up. It's worth the struggle.

I've cut my hair short and I'm going shopping with my brother tomorrow. I am going to ask to go shopping with my keyworker when next possible for her, as you get clothing allowance that can only be used when under supervision.

I will be able to buy a binder online soon. It all takes ages and it's painfully slow. I have moments where I cry and just want to give up. Go back to being Jasmine. But I've tried so many times. It's painful.

I'm hoping my GP can refer me. I think one of my friends got a referral without CAMHS involved at all. But still, that waiting list could take months to years. I can't do this. I just want to do it myself at this point.

It's good to hear you're able to do that kind of thing with your brother

I've thought many times of going back but I'd know how much that would crush me. It's not worth the pain even if it's the easier option.

I've heard Tavistock is only a 6 month or so waiting list; so not too long. Just think how much progress you've already made. You're doing better than you think.

Quote from: OzBunny on May 30, 2016, 04:09:59 PM
I just want to be a man. I want this process to speed up. I can't wait years for hormonal therapy. I can't live like this. As a woman. I can't do it and I just isolate myself as I hate being seen as a woman and I just want to be able to be a man in some way. I'm crying and I'm in pain. It's not just an emotional pain, it's so big it hurts in my chest. I want to be a man. I feel so low and I can't cope anymore. I want to be a man. It's painful and eating away at me. I want to be me.

I know the feeling, and i know its really hard but try to keep your head up
go for a walk keep active when i was down people gave me that advice it helped once i actually did manage to get out a little more often. You'll be you time is a really crappy thing but heck it can also be pretty fast at times it'll surprise you and i wish you luck.

Quote from: Elis on May 30, 2016, 05:13:23 PM
It's good to hear you're able to do that kind of thing with your brother

I've thought many times of going back but I'd know how much that would crush me. It's not worth the pain even if it's the easier option.

I've heard Tavistock is only a 6 month or so waiting list; so not too long. Just think how much progress you've already made. You're doing better than you think.

I give up. The care home won't let me go to the doctor. I hate this. I give up.

WTF why won't they let you go to the doctor? Surely that's illegal. Is there some way of going on your own.

Quote from: Elis on May 31, 2016, 07:01:48 AM
WTF why won't they let you go to the doctor? Surely that's illegal. Is there some way of going on your own.

They won't let me go as I'm under camhs. I'm so depressed because this process takes so long. I want to be a man, and it's something that's depressed me since about ten years old. I need to see a doctor. But they won't let me. To see the camhs doctor, I need to wait months. The staff at the care home don't understand that I'm depressed because I want to be a man. That it's the reason why I isolate myself. Why I've cut. Why I've wanted to die. I just want to be a man. He's dying slowly. The man inside me. He is dying.

Have you come out to them as trans? I know it's scary but it's the best way to get the help you need. I think it's best to tell someone you want to go see a GP because it's important to you and because you don't want to wait months to see the CAHMS doctor. They can't possibly deny you that. It would be beyond unethical. Please try to convince them you need to see a GP. Or ring the GP up yourself and make your own appointment. Please don't give up or s/h; you've got this. You've managed to survive this long; you can hold on a whole longer.

I'm already out to my two keyworkers. One of them won't let me go to the doctor. another member of staff agrees with her, that I don't need to go. There's no way of me going myself and paying for it. I only have the money left from when my dad passed away. And also have no transport. I've started looking into doing this process myself. As I am tired. I want to die.

Ok; you need to take it one step at a time. Forget the bigger picture around transitioning and simply focus on seeing your GP. Step one I'd say is having a frank talk about it being unethical to make you wait months to see a doctor; how your dysphoria makes you feel and how waiting won't help you. Step two would be discussing your need to be referred to a GIC. Step three would be telling your keyworkers how this won't stop you from seeing your therapist and you'd still seek help from them.

It's worth a try.

Is the age of medical consent in some way different in the Channel Islands than in the rest of the UK? Because here in the mainland (i.e. the slightly bigger island) you have the right to consent to (or refuse) medical treatment from age 16. The people with parental responsibility for you (presumably the local authority) lost the right to have any say in your medical treatment when you turned 16. They no longer have any right to even know when you're seeing a doctor, or what it's about. It's not their decision any more.

I recommend you look up the relevant legislation to ensure the age of medical consent is 16 where you live, and then book your own appointment. If the care home usually arranges transport for doctor's appointments, just inform them you have a doctor's appointment on that date and will require transport for it. If they ask you what you're seeing the doctor for, remind them that the age of medical consent in the UK is 16 so you're entitled to keep the reason for your visit private now - and show them the legislation if you have to. If they try to argue against you or stop you from going, bring up the relevant legislation again and tell them it'd be a shame to have them prosecuted for breaking it. Take it as high as you need to until they stop trying to get in your way.

If you don't want the care home to be informed of the reason & content of your appointment, then tell the doctor that as you're 16 you want to exercise your right to consent to your own medical treatment, and that you do not consent to have the care home informed of the nature of your visit. If you do this, then they can only tell the relevant authorities if they think you're at risk of hurting yourself or someone else.

Also, whilst the Tavistock may prefer referrals to come from CAMHS, they'll also accept referrals from your GP. So it wouldn't hurt to at least ask the GP whether they'll refer you to the Tavistock. They worst they can do is say 'no'. You can also email the Tavistock and explain the problems you're having with getting CAMHS to refer you; ask them if they can intervene.

Nobody is ever going to give you permission to be a man. Everyone else in the care home is quite happy with the status quo; they just want an easy life so it's easier for them to ignore you. If you want to do push forward with your transition, I'm afraid you're going to have to become your own champion.

Good luck!

I've seen these people who come around to care homes and ask young people how things are, if they have complaints etc. I told them. I told them that I've wanted to be a boy since I was five or six years old, and that my mind hasn't changed. I told them when I first saw camhs, and how I still haven't had a referral to a gender clinic. I told them how I had been trying for this since I was 14. Two years of talking to medical professionals, who laughed at me, didn't believe me and took it as a joke, and even now at camhs, people who don't know how to deal with it. As my camhs workers don't know what to do. What to tell me in regards of coping with this. Two years I have been seeking hormonal therapy; hormonal blockers. I'm sixteen now. Too old for hormonal blockers, too young for hormonal therapy. All because of the uneducated medical "professionals". I needed those hormonal blockers when I was 14. I would of missed so much. I wouldn't even need a bra. But now, im at sixteen, and having to suffer due to them. I told them.

So sorry to hear about this . TAKE FTMDiaries advice and mine and book your own appointment. It's completely unethical that they won't allow you to go see a GP. You don't need to tell them why you need to go. You're still young and T will work just as well.

hugs, OzBunny. You are not alone.

Please don't be afraid to call a crisis hotline if your thoughts start to scare you, even if "they're not that bad". I promise you'll feel better the next day after you make that call.

You can endure, because I endured. I made it 16 years from coming out to surgery and hormones. Were those easy years? Not always. But I was still a person who did things and lived my life. It is possible, you can make it another day. My advice is to stop thinking about the elephant, stop ruminating on your dysphoria because you are making yourself a nervous wreck. Make a PLAN. Then take small steps to achieve your plan. It's going to be a multi year plan so you should have other life goals to work on at the same time. These other goals will take your focus off the excessive ruminating.

If you have any kind of money in the short term I would think about sports bras, support bras (so they don't move during the day--exact fit is key), or binders so that leaving the house daily is less of a struggle. Up top is usually the number one focus of pain for guys in your situation, so do what you have to do to make yourself more comfortable.

Other than that? You don't have to socially transition. You don't have to medically transition yesterday or else. You are so lucky to be an FTM as there is little harm to your future transition to sitting and waiting. (If you have amenorrhea or something like that, I would suggest seeking progesterone BC like Depo or whatever they can give you to minimize shark week. Be careful what you take, though, because Yasmin made me very sick. I can't tell you which option is best but anecdotally the progesterone stuff is less likely to blow up in your face as an FTM. You see there are multiple pathways to FTM and our brains all process those hormones differently and you don't know which pathway you are.)

You're not alone. Not in any of this.

Thank you, Elis, AnxietyDisord3r and everyone else who posted on this. As you are right. I am over thinking, and thus letting my dysphoria take over.

I'll be honest, I've been laying in bed, thinking of being a dude. Flat chest. Penis. Muscle. The whole shebang. And I shouldn't. I should take little steps instead of getting upset over the fact that I'm near the beginning of my transition. It will take time. And that's okay. laying in bed all day and crying my eyes out over the fact that I don't have a penis is not okay. That's what ten year old me would do. And I need to be better than ten year old me, as im now sixteen. A young man.

My man bleeding likes to come unexpectedly, so that's what set all of this off. It's such a feminine thing. Ugh.
My camhs worker is letting me see somebody from brook in about a week, to discuss the option of me going on medication to stop my man bleeding. So hopefully, this will be the last one.

I'll be able to buy a binder soon. I could even ask my brother to let me now, and use my birthday money that my father gave me before he passed, if I wanted to. Or wait a little longer until I get money from elsewhere. I will have access to a binder soon, either way.

I've asked if I can go shopping. The staff are going to see when that's next possible. Everything is going to fall into place. I need to be the one to let it.

Laying in bed all day, not eating or keeping up on hygiene doesn't do anything. I guess that's probably the best way to make this process go slower. Like said, I need to keep an open mind and focus on other things, too. Cope with the dysphoria. Instead of letting it take me alive. I can beat it. I won't give up like I used to. As that's what would happen; bad dysphoria would come around, and I'd let it win. Let it get to me, until I gave up and tried to be girly. Not anymore.

One again, thank you.