I'm posting in this forum because I don't think it's specific to SO's and anyone's advice could be helpful. But feel free to move it to another area if needed! Also planning to cross-post to ->-bleeped-<- sometime soon for a wider perspective.

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I feel that it is the right thing to do to tell my grandma that the man I married came out as a transgender woman. I have no problem with it at all - in fact, we are both happier now, and our relationship really hasn't changed much. My grandma is of sound mind, very healthy, and while she may not fully understand what transgender means, I'm fairly confident that the most important thing to her is my happiness. So since I am very happy, I think she would be happy for me, and do the best she could (and we would totally understand if she forgets and says "he", uses my wife's old name, etc). We live in different states and don't see her as often as I wish we could, but I hate having to lie to her. The way I see it, I will want to visit her again in the future with my wife, and I don't want to force my wife to wear male clothing and respond to male name/pronouns. Also, my wife will look more and more feminine as time goes on, which I am sure would be noticeable. What are we supposed to do, never visit as a couple ever again? I want to tell her on my next visit, leaving plenty of time for explanations and answering questions.

On the other hand, my mom disagrees. She says that transgender wasn't a thing at all while my grandma was growing up and grandma would never be able to even start comprehending it. She believes grandma will be worried for me and/or think it is bad. I guess she thinks that all the worry would cause health issues, because she said this would "kill her". She believes that my wife must "respect" my grandma by pretending to be male during visits. I guess she doesn't care about all the stress this puts on me (to have to remember to call my wife by her old name/pronouns ONLY in front of grandma; guilt from lying and sadness knowing I might never get to share this positive change in our lives with someone I love; knowing how much it hurts my wife to be called the wrong name/pronouns and see herself in the wrong clothing). And of course the stress for my wife, which is probably not something my mom cares about at all.

I do get where my mom is coming from. Sure, the concept may be difficult to wrap your head around, especially if you've never heard of it before. And yes, I know that stress/worrying can cause some physical symptoms. But if I take the time to explain and answer questions, and reiterate many times that I am happy and my life has not changed, I feel that I can put my grandma at ease. I know this is an issue that can tear apart families when some people refuse to accept it, but I don't think my grandma would cut me from her life like that. I also feel that my mom is projecting her own uncomfortableness onto the situation (she is the type who would tell someone actively sweating to put on a sweater because she feels cold) and cannot see past her own negative bias (we had a -fantastic- discussion today about how my life is "extreme" and "abnormal" and will never be the same, despite all my protests with actual insight into my actual life, where really the only big change other than increased happiness and confidence is that there's a ton more toiletries in the bathroom now, and we can share clothing ).

So I guess I'm stuck. I know I could just go ahead and tell my grandma and I don't need my mom's approval, but I was really hoping I could reason with my mom and get her to see how I feel about this. My dad's kinda just trying to stay out of it and remain neutral, if that matters. Do you think I'm wrong? Or my mom is wrong? Any advice? Thank you.

[Note: Posting this while my parents are visiting, since I'm hoping there might be advice I can use to talk to them while they're still here. Despite this issue, we're still trying to have a nice time together - so I may not be able to reply much.]

I had several years where I wasn't able to return home for christmas because my grandmother was staying with my mother and my mother didn't want her to know. In the end my mother finally told my grandmother, I came home for christmas and saw her. It can be a tough call but if you are ever going to visit your grandmother together, the changes may be great enough that questions will be asked. Better to tell her now while she is healthy rather than latter when her state of health may be more questionable.

Something else to consider. My grandmother was a flapper and she had my mother out of wedlock. Both very scandalise things to do in her day. She might have been more openminded as the result. Morals somewhat opened up during WW II and women broke out of the house into the labor market upsetting the social apple cart. I suspect your grandmother may have been from this generation and if so, might be a free thinker as well. 

My grandma is a holocaust survivor. My vision is that her thought process should go, "I was persecuted ruthlessly for being a minority/being hated for traits I have no real control over. I do not want the same thing to happen to anyone else, ever again." However, I have been told from family that lives in the same state as her, that she can be very traditional, stubborn, and apparently racist to some degree (though I have never witnessed that personally. Traditional and stubborn, yes).

So honestly, I don't know how open minded she'd be. She's super duper family-oriented though, hence why I think she'd just be happy that I am happy, and wouldn't cut me out.

Personally I think you should do what you think is right. However I do think that if you do, you may have to be prepared for the fact that it may cause some family friction if it goes badly.  That said in your shoes I would most ceratinly over-rule my mother when the opportunity presented because in fact what she is probably doing, at least in part, is projecting some of her own unease at the situation onto your grandma who may in fact, as you say, be much more relaxed.

I personally intensely dislike those people who seek to protect others from the truth by telling lies. I think that it is the ultimate disrespect of another person to take it upon yourself to deny them the right to deal with reality, and I also know from experience that one can never tell how someone will react. For example, my partner Susan's grandparents - who are both normally quite bigotted people, were fine with her transition, to everyones surprise.

So choose your moment carefully, and be prepared to take flak if it goes wrong, but I woild certainly say that the truth is always preferanle to lying.

I would say go with your first instinct and share the news with your grandmother. I don't agree with your mother's assessment of the older generation. I have a grandmother in her mid-80s who is a conservative christian and she fully believes that everyone has a right to be happy including the LGBT community. I think it would be a disservice to both your wife and your grandmother to lie your way through a visit.

I would tell your grandma. It might cause friction but it will at least allow an open and honest relationship.

I am rather sensitive about grandmas right now. I just lost mine in April and I really wish I'd had more chance to talk about my gender with her. I never told her that I was trans but at the same time, I'm sure she would have been fine with it (not too surprised either since I've always tended toward the masculine). As a child, I was always considered "the boy Alf (my grandfather) never had" and in many ways it would have been nice for her to know just how true that statement was.

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My opinion:  Tell her

I have a similar situation with my parents, I'm 54, they are in they're 85.  We were not going to tell them but my brother talked me into it.  Here's why - if one/both end up in the hospital and I go to visit (consider one is dying/accident) I don't want my transition to be the topic, or worse, push them over the edge.  This is not about me it's about them.

If you are at all close to her and if you want to be there at the end, tell her.  If you don't tell her she probably won't know who you are.

Sorry for the slow reply. Got busy doing things with my parents.

I think I might try to bring up the topic of transgender issues in general and see how grandma reacts to that. If it seems to go well, I can tell her about my wife. If she says bad things, I can keep it to myself. But I want to at least try... I think even if my mom freaks out at the idea, it's not like there's anything she can do to stop me from talking to grandma anyway, and if she chooses to stress herself out about it, that's not my problem!

But to minimize my own stress, I haven't brought up the issue again while my mom's here, and I'm just going to write her an e-mail once she's back home saying how seriously I feel about this, and that I plan to (at least try to) tell grandma whether or not she agrees.

Quote from: EthanRuby on May 31, 2016, 09:21:37 PM
I think I might try to bring up the topic of transgender issues in general and see how grandma reacts to that. If it seems to go well, I can tell her about my wife. If she says bad things, I can keep it to myself. But I want to at least try... I think even if my mom freaks out at the idea, it's not like there's anything she can do to stop me from talking to grandma anyway, and if she chooses to stress herself out about it, that's not my problem!

That's a really good idea. There's always something in the news, such as bathroom controversies, that you can slip into a conversation to test the waters. I don't think your Mom would even need to know about that since discussing the news is completely innocent. I hope your Grandma gives a positive response.

Just remembered I'd posted here. Thought it might be nice to update

I was totally right - my grandma took the news spectacularly, and only cared that I was happy. Funny quote from her was that she "always thought <wife> didn't have a man's face". She didn't even really have any questions and didn't seem shocked in the slightest. In fact her only worry was about a recent check she'd sent for my wife's birthday, if she needed to re-do it with the correct name.

It took sooooo much willpower to not start chanting "I told you so!~" when I called to let my mom know about it xD