hey there, new to the SP community. I recently accepted the fact that I am trans (ftm), ive struggled on and off with it over my teen and young adult years. I'm 23 years old and I've gotten so used to pretending to conform to society gender roles as female that it's like second nature now and its allowed me to sort of keep my transgender thoughts "dormant". Over the last couple years though, i've been self analyzing myself more and more and exploring my gender identity and sexuality. As of May 2016, I have gotten to the point where I think I am ready to come out. The problem is I am currently away from home so I have to wait to come out till August because i'd prefer to come out to some of my family/friends in person. Having to wait this long has me on the constant roller coaster of emotions - with the feelings of wanting to come out and being excited and accepting who i am, then to am i really going to do this? is this what i really want? and just common fear of the unknown. I just wanted to know if this feeling of doubt is normal prior to coming out/ transitioning. Thanks

Welcome to Susan's Place. Doubt and fear before coming out mixed it with a heavy slug of I'm tired of waiting. It's an emotional roller coaster and about the only escape is distraction when possible. Yes it is normal and it will get better when you see yourself making progress. It will get better but August is going to be a long wait.

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I think it's pretty normal. I knew I was trans as a teenager but waited almost a decade to do anything about it. Some of that was definitely due to doubts and nerves, but as I got closer and closer to actually transitioning, all the anxiety about it went away. I didn't feel like I had any options other than transitioning, so it just seemed better to embrace the unknown than to worry.

So normal,
In fact, if you were not thinking it through like that I would be worried about you.
I knew when I was young and fought like hell. My therapist told me questioning everything is normal and healthy.. 
Fear can be healthy. Knowing what your getting in to is very important.. Last thing you want to do is look back and wish you could be a girl again.. Testosterone will do some permanent things as you know.
Therapy is so important.  Your young, time is on your side.
Good luck and best wishes for your future and your happiness.
Keri

It's normal to have jitters, especially about the coming out process itself. Especially with so many misconceptions out there.

Our gender happens in our minds at a level way below conscious speech, so it is very often difficult to articulate why we feel the way we do. Also, many cis people have absorbed the idea that we have well articulated thoughts about our gender identity (woman in man's body, always knew I was a boy) but most of us don't. We have gender dysphoria about primary and secondary sex characteristics. But that can be very personal and hard to talk about. Who wants to tell people about the shame of having breasts grow, the dissociating from periods, the fear of the same-sex locker room, etc? That's why we keep telling these white lies about how we "just know" our gender. (Some people do, but most don't. So many cis people don't.) And then secretly feel like imposters because we don't "just know"--but we do "just know" what we aren't!

I wouldn't never suggest obsessing over dysphoria or body image (shading into dysmorphia) but I would suggest you listen to your dysphoria which is, after all, your primary symptom, and let that tell you whether you are binary or non-binary. That will guide your personal social interventions (how you present, how you ask people to address you) and your medical treatment plan if any. It's cool to try changing your presentation and name but don't be surprised if you feel uncomfortable or weird at first even with a good change just because you're not used to it. Many of us tried flipping back and forth with presentation until we figured out what felt right for real.

Another good suggestion is try cross dressing in underwear. No social consequences and it will help you connect to how you feel. I didn't change until very late and realize now I was subtly negging myself every time I got dressed. I want to pitch my old underpants in a bonfire.

I was pretty much in the same boat as you. I denied or just didn't understand my feelings about being trans for a very long time until about September 2015. It took a lot more doubting, fear, and reassurance from friends to help me finally accept the person that's always been living deep down inside me.
I only recently came out to family, but I didn't do it in person, mostly because I'm away from home and I'm terrible at trying to find words and properly express myself when I speak. I spent a while feeling very scared but also very excited. I wanted to share this newly realized "discovery" but I was also terrified at what everyone would think. My family has always been very supportive and loving (at the time they only knew me as being a lesbian, which they were cool with) but coming out as transgender is an entirely different thing, especially with all of the recent attention trans people have been getting in the media. It's hard for them to fully understand and they're concerned about my decision to medically transition, but ultimately I'm doing it all for the sake of my own happiness.
In summary, feeling doubt and fear is completely normal. Just be sure you don't rush to come out. Do it whenever you feel ready and comfortable doing so. Mentally prepare yourself for any scenario - for example, my older sister is on the more conservative side, so when I came out to her, I fully expected to be shunned. I had to force myself to put some emotional distance between us in case she did so that it wouldn't hurt as bad. However, I was pleasantly surprised when she didn't. She needs some educating, but she seems willing to learn and I still have her in my life.
Just make sure you are doing it for you and not someone else.

When I came out my grandmother quoted a southern American story; "baby, you've gone over the garden wall".

Before I heard her say that,  I was  one year into T and planning my top surgery.

I had doubts all the way, even after coming out to my spouse and my friends.  Doubt is normal and I would say healthy. The key is  not feeling pressure from sources outside of you or feigning confidence.  When I came to Susan's, I was on the fence. I can't tell you that you are ready because that is a very personal journey.

As my grandmother said, going over the garden wall is personal. When you are there,  you will know. If you're scared,  that's normal.  Self reflection is never a bad thing

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Quote from: authorx on June 01, 2016, 01:53:12 PM
hey there, new to the SP community. I recently accepted the fact that I am trans (ftm), ive struggled on and off with it over my teen and young adult years. I'm 23 years old and I've gotten so used to pretending to conform to society gender roles as female that it's like second nature now and its allowed me to sort of keep my transgender thoughts "dormant". Over the last couple years though, i've been self analyzing myself more and more and exploring my gender identity and sexuality. As of May 2016, I have gotten to the point where I think I am ready to come out. The problem is I am currently away from home so I have to wait to come out till August because i'd prefer to come out to some of my family/friends in person. Having to wait this long has me on the constant roller coaster of emotions - with the feelings of wanting to come out and being excited and accepting who i am, then to am i really going to do this? is this what i really want? and just common fear of the unknown. I just wanted to know if this feeling of doubt is normal prior to coming out/ transitioning. Thanks

Being afraid to come out and transition is normal.

Being afraid of crossing the gender line is normal.

Being afraid of looking in-between genders is normal.

Being afraid of making the wrong decision is normal.

Being afraid of the unknown is normal.

Being afraid TO make a decision is normal.

You can make tiny steps towards a transition that will clarify matters to you. For example, you could experiment with wearing men's clothing or more masculine styles and see how you take to it. You could try a new haircut. Alternatively, you could try wearing men's briefs which no-one will see, or trying packing with a sock, just to see how you react. (Note: a lot of guys don't pack. If you don't care for it you're in good company.) You can try creating an online male persona and interact with people you don't know and see how you feel about being addressed as male or at least use that to work through the jitters you feel about that. Taking small, reversible steps is easier to take than trying to think of all of transition all at once.

It's very normal, probably very "human" to have doubts about it.

I'm as self assured a person as you could meet but even I have doubts whether I have the stamina for this. I don't know if transition will lend me more mental strength to deal with its challenges for example. I don't know how I will look after 5 years on T. I don't know how my relationship will go. I don't really know if I will be happier. Etc.

Doubts and fears at any point of your gender journey are incredibly normal. Sometimes we face a lot of challenges in being trans, and there's no shame in being scared or needing and finding support at any point.

Even people far down the line gender wise may still encounter doubts. What's important is keeping your health and safety a priority, and realising that doubts don't make your experience any less valid, and that we all experience them from time to time.

I wish you best of luck in coming out my friend, and for all the exciting milestones you may encounter soon in the future

Quote from: authorx on June 01, 2016, 01:53:12 PM
hey there, new to the SP community. I recently accepted the fact that I am trans (ftm), ive struggled on and off with it over my teen and young adult years. I'm 23 years old and I've gotten so used to pretending to conform to society gender roles as female that it's like second nature now and its allowed me to sort of keep my transgender thoughts "dormant". Over the last couple years though, i've been self analyzing myself more and more and exploring my gender identity and sexuality. As of May 2016, I have gotten to the point where I think I am ready to come out. The problem is I am currently away from home so I have to wait to come out till August because i'd prefer to come out to some of my family/friends in person. Having to wait this long has me on the constant roller coaster of emotions - with the feelings of wanting to come out and being excited and accepting who i am, then to am i really going to do this? is this what i really want? and just common fear of the unknown. I just wanted to know if this feeling of doubt is normal prior to coming out/ transitioning. Thanks

Did you mean is that part normal? Absolutely

In fact I would feel that would have been a cause to why I had thought I was female for so long myself, I tried fitting in so much because I assumed that it was true, but in the end...everything came to and end and I couldnt just ignore that I was far too masculine for that anymore.

This is super late but thank you for all the replies! i appreciate it. I have yet to come out to my family, I actually decided not to after i wrote this in the summer. However months have passed, and I am planning to come out to my family next time i see them which is will be around the holidays at xmas. I am glad I waited to come out, my situation is different and honestly all it took was me accepting myself and looking back to the time i wrote this post, i just wasnt there yet. I am there now, and it makes the idea of coming out exciting and scary! I'm proud of who I am now and I am proud to be trans. But I think the most important thing is i've gotten to the place where I am finally living for myself and not others. I've only got one life and it can go quickly, so i need to make the most of it. Anyways, like i said, thanks for all the advice, it's nice to know others feel the same way.

It is normal to feel suppressed your entire life, you might feel the need to HAVE to act into at least some of the female gender roles even though parts of yourself reject it, you play it for awhile knowing you might have to, you dont even think about if youre trans because physically you and everyone sees a female so what else can you be? And yet...once you come into the discovery that you are transgender, all the memories from the past make sense, and you realize what you've suppressed all along.


It is also normal to doubt, sometimes you have to ask "Am I really transgender?" You'll probably want to go through the thought process of not going through the trouble, it just seems much easier to accept yourself as is and live life, and not bother anyone around you with dramatic shift in your presentation.

In the end, though...I guarantee you once you start you'll notice the difference and probably might keep going. If you havent already, start by dressing male, interacting online as male and by a male name, having trusted friends acknowledge your maleness by humoring your feelings until you think it fits...when all these things feel right and comfortable then you'll probably know that its time to take more steps to understand your need to transition. It's wellx well worth it

Edit: Oh well...Im slow and I didnt read through entirely, Haha! Its funny I realized I commented on this exact same thing long ago in response to the same comment
, but congrats on the decision to continue and fully come out OP, wishing you the best.