My husband and I have been together for over 21 years. Over a decade ago, I realized I was FTM. About seven years ago, I came out to my pansexual, cis male spouse. He's been over-the-top supportive. Even after I started on T, he SO had my back. But recently, ever since I began arranging my top surgery appointments (which he'd been totally supportive of until then), he's pulled away completely. We have no sex life. He's not physically affectionate. He says this has nothing to due with my transition, but that he just feels numb and robotic. He won't talk about his feelings with me. He has a therapist, but it doesn't seem to be helping, even after 6 months. No change. He's just...sad...and angry....mostly at me (not that he'll say anything about that to me - I get zero feedback). I'm terrified that, despite all of his supportive words and reassurance over the years, he can't handle my being male.

I could use some words of support.

Hi there,
First off the bat, sorry things are hard at the moment. But stay strong!
I only can give a lil experience from the tip of an iceberg (my relationship with my partner at 5years), but I think people are always quick on believing that the problem is ones self and one becomes insecure. Judging from all I have read I dont think your transtioning is the problem with all the support he has given you til now.
Maybe he has concerns at work or with a friend and then we tend to let it out on our partner...even unintended. Give him maybe a lil room to breath and sit down with a beer one night and talk heart to heart. Brings wonders at times!
I am crossing my fingers and hope my lil words help.
Matt

Sorry to hear you're still having trouble with your other half; it sounds like he hasn't moved on at all since your last post on this subject. I'm afraid there's not much we can do here that would improve this situation: the problem is with him and he will need to pull his head out of his backside & start talking to you before anything can be resolved.

Many of us have been in long-term relationships when we've started our transition, but there are as many different stories of what happened to us as there are people who went through it. Some of us found our marriages became even stronger; some continued in a marriage that changed in some ways; some of us lost our marriages, our kids, our jobs, our houses... etc. There's no way of predicting which way it will go with you, so do everything you can to protect yourself just in case the worst happens.

I will say again what I said last time: I know the fact that he's pan gives you a lot of hope and I fully understand why you might want to cling to it, but I'm worried that it looks like it might be a false hope in this instance. Being pansexual does not mean you're attracted to absolutely everybody and every body type. It means you're attracted to a variety of people and are open to partners of various genders... but you still have your tastes. You might find that if he's attracted women then he only likes a certain type of woman; if he's attracted to men he only likes a specific kind of man; and so on. It's possible that you used to appear to be the type of woman to which he's attracted, and you're now transitioning to a kind of man to which he's not attracted.

It's also entirely possible that he's just the silent type who likes to ruminate on his problems for ages before coming to terms with them, and that he might snap out of it. Or perhaps he's struggling with some of the wider implications of actually being in a same-sex relationship. Is he getting flak at work, or from his friends & family, for now being in a gay relationship? Could it be that the reality of what that means is proving to be difficult for him to cope with?

One thing my ex struggled with was adjusting to the fact that he can no longer see himself as the 'man of the house'. In truth he never was (I've always been the dominant one in our relationship) but the reality of my transition brought home the fact that he simply doesn't like sharing his space with another man - particularly one that's more useful than he is. He spends most of his days moping in his room like a sullen teenager, binge-watching TV shows & movies on his laptop rather than interacting with the family. He's clearly depressed, and it sounds like yours probably is too.

The only solution is to tackle him on it: ask him why he's sad & angry; why he's withholding his affection. That's the only way you can work through it. If you can, do it with a neutral third-party, such as a relationship counsellor (or will his therapist agree to see you both for a session?). I hate to say this, but the lack of affection he's currently showing you is a major red flag for your future together: if the two of you can't find some way to talk about it, I fear your relationship may be in deep trouble.

People sometimes just get depressed -  it might not be you at all. It's also sometimes hard to verbalise why you're depressed - if there even is a reason. You might just have to wait it out and see where the therapy takes him

I have friends who are in a similar situation, though younger. Together over a decade, two beautiful kids. Husband always identified as genderqueer but had a mental breakdown after first child was born because they couldn't breastfeed. Finally decided to pursue nonbinary transition. As soon as the transition started it has seemed to put the wife in an emotional tailspin.

Transition can be kind of selfish and self directed. They have long been the emotional support for her, and now she is watching them be so much happier and it draws attention to her own deep unhappiness. (She is very unhappy due to her abusive upbringing but despite cutting off contact with her parents due to a recent blowup she can't bring herself to accept they were abusive and keeps looking for another explanation to throw blame on. She decided to first self diagnose her son as ASD (he's not) and then herself (she's not).)

My wife has noted on her behavior in person and on facebook, and we discuss it. Our friend is bi and in no way no longer in love with her hus-wife or less physically attracted. But she is feeling very stressed emotionally by the transition and the shift in focus aware from herself and her needs and, I truly believe, the impressive calmness that overcame them after starting E that she can't seem to find for herself.

The worst thing I find is that she puts her own struggling to correct pronouns (for them and for me, who started hormones at the same exact time) on her older child. Guess what, I saw older child post op and his "rude questions" that she thought he would ask was all about my big owie and could he see and touch the bandages. (See, yes. Touch, h*** no.) Look, don't put it on your kid. They absorb this stuff better than adults. And there's no shame in flubbing pronouns sometimes if you've been in a years-long habit of using different ones.

Another example, unfortunately they have been getting harassed in public because Florida. So now she is claiming, oh this woman confronted me (about her spouse) because she thought I was mtf too. Ya right. Just emotionally flailing around she is. I think she truly feels bad and feels scared that her spouse is getting this scary, creepy crap. She is spunky and wants to be the defender, the warrior. But instead she is "normal", they are "weird". So she cannot take the role she desires. I feel bad for her but I worry about the path she is taking as well.

So it's totally possible your spouse is scared about: harassment for being a same sex couple, the fact that you are so focused on you maybe he is scared you will 'grow past him' (at one point a few years back I made some changes in my wife and my wife got scared of exactly this), maybe a little selfish pity party because you are focusing on you not him, or he can't figure out why he is sad, and jealous you have an 'answer' as if transitioning solves all personal problems (hint: it does not). I can't say you'll get through this intact but you do have hope, you CAN get through this as a couple if you're both willing and communicate.

As of today, my husband no longer lives here anymore. There a lot of details, but a lot of verbal abuse, throwing furniture, and screaming terrible, unforgivable, many transphobic, things before speeding off angrily on his motorcycle - only later insisting to be let in again, causing the cops to be called....he says he is not attracted to me, that the few times he's tried to have sex with me, he's only doing it for me, that he can't stay with someone he doesn't feel attracted to. There was a lot more....but I was basically reduced to a vagina with a paycheck better than his. The kids are scared of him. I'm scared of him. I honestly don't know who he's become, or what he's capable of. It was a total 180 from the man who'd supported my transition for so long. I just know that I lived with an abusive man before, and I swore to myself that I would never do it again. My son remembers full well what it was like to have an abusive father - one of the major reasons my current husband adopted him - and wants nothing to do with him anymore. My daughter is heartbroken and terrified. They're both camped out in the living room with me tonight, afraid to be apart. I don't know the man I encountered today....My life isn't what I thought it was anymore.

I'm sorry that it came to that. It sounds like he needs some serious help (and in all seriousness, to be checked for a brain tumour or drug use if his personality has changed that dramatically). You and your kids are much safer with him out of your home and out of your lives, at least until he resolves his issues. I hope you and your kids are able to get some rest and start moving forward.

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Hugs to you and your children. That's terrifying. Some people get like that when depressed and maybe with minors involved it's best if you two are separated. I know it's scary for you and your family and a gigantic let down but he clearly doesn't have it in him to act like an adult right now. I do echo the other poster that it's possible something is more seriously wrong than even depression.

Keep posting here if you need some help and call a crisis line if you need to. There's a trans crisis line run out of California that you can call (Trans LifeLine) and many county health depts also run crisis lines. They're for any kind of crisis, not just suicidal thoughts. Your children may need counseling. What a bum. I think I'm getting a little angry, but he should consider their needs more than that as a parent. OTOH, maybe he can't. Maybe his brain is messed up. I'm very worried for all of you.

Taken under advisement, you may want a strong friend to stay over for a little while to give all of you backup. Obviously, don't bring anyone into your house who is shady in any way. I know a man who is a good man and a strong man but I guess has self esteem issues where he gets into relationships with user women. Well, while he's at work this woman moved her son in on his property and they're trashing the place. He needed them both to leave but they wouldn't and they were scaring him so he invited a really butch and abrasive friend over to stay until they left on their own.

Sorry this has happened to you.

It's very unsettling when the people you love show their true colours. I think today you've discovered who he really is, and you now have some idea of what he's really capable of. He's probably been hiding this aspect of himself from you for years so that he could get what he wanted from you and now when you need his support and things aren't going in his favour any more, he has finally dropped his mask.

My ex was similar (although he never got violent): as long as he could get what he wanted from me, everything was sweet. But as soon as I needed something for myself - no matter how trivial - he would turn on me. I was subjected to years of emotional and verbal abuse, but when I came out as trans he extended that to include gaslighting and threatening to take the kids away from me... all after two decades of him benefiting from me being the breadwinner and head of household. Maybe our exes should get together and form their own little club?

So he says he's not attracted to you any more: I daresay after today's extravaganza you've lost any attraction to him, along with any desire to allow him back into your home again... let alone into your bed. I'm sure when everything calms down & you are able to think about what he's said, you'll discover that he's just trying to push your buttons to hurt you. He's just lashing out in anger, and as you've suspected this has been building for several months. I'm willing to bet that most of what he said isn't actually based on the truth, but is just his way of trying to hurt you. Either way, he's not safe to be around you or the kids when he's in this state. He's going to have to calm down a heck of a lot before it'll be safe for you to allow him to be around the kids or yourself.

The next few months are going to be very difficult for all of you. Your kids have been shaken by a traumatic event, so they'll need as much love & support as you can muster. But so too have you: so try to be gentle with yourself and get as much support from friends & family as you can. It does get better though: right now the pain is probably very raw but in time you'll probably find that your life improves enormously now that you don't have to live under that black cloud of uncertainty every day. We're here for you as you work through this.

Stay safe.

So sorry to hear this. I'm not sure where you're located, but if you need any assistance finding local resources or anything that we can help with, please do post something or get in touch privately. I'm a former police officer and I currently consult in personal security, and I have a lot of experience in situations like these unfortunately. Happy to help if you need anything.

I'm sorry that this happened, I hope you and your kids stay safe. keep us posted if you can

That's aweful. Really sorry this happened to you.

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Oh wow, that does sound terrifying and I'm so sorry you and your kids had to go through this. I second what others have said about wondering if there is something more serious than depression going on. But either way, it sounds like he is definitely not safe to be around and this must all be very shocking for you. Do you have a support system outside of your relationship with him that you can turn to? Maybe someone who can stay with you for a little while?

I'm really very sorry that you're going through this. I've been with my spouse 14 years and one of my biggest fears was that we wouldn't be together after transition.

It sounds like he needs to work on himself. Don't for one minute think that it's your fault. If he tries to come back and apologize,  call the police and stay safe. Nothing gives him the right to be abusive.

Look after yourself first, my friend.

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