I'm sorry you feel that way . I quess I'm lucky that I embrace being trans and get a kick out of it. I'm  trans unique and I love it.

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 01, 2016, 09:15:33 AM
Because it definitely bothers the hell out of me.

There's this deep void within me, that I feel can never be filled... not in this lifetime anyway. I really wanted to have a little girl, except I refuse to use my sperm or any of my male reproductive organs to procreate when i should've been born a girl in the first place. I want to experience pregnancy. It has me really depressed, actually. I've heard of quite a few cis women who consider suicide over infertility so I'm not at all sure how i'm gonna get through this. It doesn't even help that i keep hearing science is looking for a way for trans women to have children.

For me i could have kids if i wanted but it creates so much dysphoria even having that thought
so its very possible it's a big NO and that means i don't got the cash to do it either.
Iv'e always wanted kids of my own i wanted to be a father i wanted my own kids and i can't have them it upsets me
iv'e gotten really upset over it before and it hurts i feel that same void. But then i realized over time that there are so many kids who need family's that need to be adopted that i can still have that family. Sure biological is out of question and it hurts it always will, but at least i can give a home to a kid who needs one someday and give them a good life.

"Children shouldn't be born with a job." - Dr. Phil

If the reason you want to have a child is to "fill a deep void" within yourself, you should not have children.

What's that supposed to mean? I have the void because i can't and want to kill myself because of it.

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 03, 2016, 06:18:31 AM
What's that supposed to mean? I have the void because i can't and want to kill myself because of it.

Perhaps I misunderstood.

That quote is usually said to people who want to have a child because they feel unloved by everyone else in their lives and their child would have to love them unconditionally, or to couples who want a child because they believe it will improve their relationship, etc.

If you want to have a child to validate your femininity and/or to give you a reason to live, I think that would also fall under the same idea of placing unfair responsibility on them.

Anyway ... If I am misunderstanding, please disregard.

So what are "right" reasons to have children then?

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 03, 2016, 06:44:54 AM
So what are "right" reasons to have children then?

Here is an article further explaining the "terrible" reasons to have a child (and why they're terrible):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201512/6-terrible-reasons-you-have-child


As far as the "right" reasons ... I don't know, honestly.
The most obvious one that comes to mind is because you love children and/or you love raising children.

It bothers me, but I dont have an empty void, that needs to be filled.

I am engaged to a wonderful man and I does hurt me that I can never fall pregnant and give birth to his child. But we intend to adopt when we are ready, so I will still get to be mommy.

It hurts a little more now, that a close friend of mine is currently pregnant with her first child. She says to me that she loves been pregnant and its amazing. I am genuinely happy for her, it just made me a little broody.

Yes I understand what you are going through. Although in may case my main dysphoria revolves about being raised male rather than not being able to give birth.  The truth is people on here and beyond tell you "suicide is not the right decision" But they will not give you a better option.

But you have to think about other people. If you have family they will be very upset and may even blame themselves for you early departure.

However realize that HRT (transition as a whole)  will change you mood and you may feel much better if you transition. Even if there is a 0.1% chance you can be happy here is that not worth sticking around for? You have to remember that 10 years from now you may feel completely different and be glad you did not suicide.

Of course this might be like the blind leading the blind here since I am in a similar position.   

Quote from: ainawa88 on June 03, 2016, 06:40:54 AM
Perhaps I misunderstood.

That quote is usually said to people who want to have a child because they feel unloved by everyone else in their lives and their child would have to love them unconditionally, or to couples who want a child because they believe it will improve their relationship, etc.

If you want to have a child to validate your femininity and/or to give you a reason to live, I think that would also fall under the same idea of placing unfair responsibility on them.

Anyway ... If I am misunderstanding, please disregard.

I agree with you.

I can't believe nobody else is telling this very young person to seek immediate help instead of fantasizing about reincarnation.

I'm really not trying to be hurtful, I completely understand the longing, but this is very unhealthy.

Quote from: highlight on June 03, 2016, 09:40:51 AM
Yes I understand what you are going through. Although in may case my main dysphoria revolves about being raised male rather than not being able to give birth.  The truth is people on here and beyond tell you "suicide is not the right decision" But they will not give you a better option.

But you have to think about other people. If you have family they will be very upset and may even blame themselves for you early departure.

However realize that HRT (transition as a whole)  will change you mood and you may feel much better if you transition. Even if there is a 0.1% chance you can be happy here is that not worth sticking around for? You have to remember that 10 years from now you may feel completely different and be glad you did not suicide.

Of course this might be like the blind leading the blind here since I am in a similar position. 

A 0.1% chance of feeling better is definitely worth sticking around for.

And you're right that people feel differently about things and about life expectancy when they get a little older.

This is obviously a very young person in their teens or early twenties, hooked on an idealized suicide - for which there IS help.

You see this with young people who want to be part of the 27 club - live fast, die young. Doesn't seem so fabulous when you get to age 26. I had it myself a little. I certainly don't now.

I appreciate that this isn't a case of living fast and fabulously, but the sentiment is similar and it's really disturbing to see. I hope this person tries HRT, or plain old anti depressants, or getting out into the world and helping others in dire straits, before deciding that life isn't worth living.

When it comes down to actually carrying the baby and giving birth... just breathe. I know that's kind of basic and easier said than done, but I'm sure you will grow to a place where you can accept the things you cannot change.

A gamete (sperm or ovum) is a gamete. Both of them contain 23 chromosomes. Sure there are some sex-linked traits, but when it comes down to it whether you provided the sperm or the ovum it doesn't really matter. Once an embryo is created it doesn't matter which chromosomes came from the sperm and which came from the ovum. It's an embryo with 46 chromosomes. And you will be the mother. That's how I think of it anyway, and that's why I froze my sperm last month.

I know it's not quite that easy to change perspective but I figured my message couldn't hurt. <3

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 02, 2016, 10:00:41 AM
Not being genetically female alone is enough to make me not want to live, and no professional help is ever going to change that.

I have to ask, have you ever actually sought professional help? I know most people who say "nothing would help" have never actually tried doing anything at all to "get better", and are basing that assumption on their feelings rather than actual experience.

Let me say, I felt the exact same way until I decided to set my judgements aside and just try. Much to my surprise, it worked.

Quote from: highlight on June 03, 2016, 09:40:51 AM

But you have to think about other people. If you have family they will be very upset and may even blame themselves for you early departure.

Well there was the one time my mom told me in a very bitchy way that i will never be a woman, and i felt like killing myself then and leaving a suicide note outting her for saying that.

Quote from: highlight on June 03, 2016, 09:40:51 AMHowever realize that HRT (transition as a whole)  will change you mood and you may feel much better if you transition. Even if there is a 0.1% chance you can be happy here is that not worth sticking around for? You have to remember that 10 years from now you may feel completely different and be glad you did not [commit] suicide.

Me finishing my transition is the only thing i have to look forward to in this world.

Quote from: alex82 on June 03, 2016, 08:52:44 PM
I can't believe nobody else is telling this very young person to seek immediate help instead of fantasizing about reincarnation.

I don't thing a lot of people on here care that much or thought i was already as dead as i feel inside.

Quote from: alex82 on June 03, 2016, 08:52:44 PMI'm really not trying to be hurtful, I completely understand the longing, but this is very unhealthy.

Having babies or reincarnating as a female?

Quote from: alex82 on June 03, 2016, 09:02:19 PM
This is obviously a very young person in their teens or early twenties, hooked on an idealized suicide - for which there IS help.

[~~~~ snip ~~~~]

I appreciate that this isn't a case of living fast and fabulously, but the sentiment is similar and it's really disturbing to see. I hope this person tries HRT, or plain old anti depressants, or getting out into the world and helping others in dire straits, before deciding that life isn't worth living.

As i already said in this thread i'm 25 years old. I wish i were as young as you thought i was, but i don't feel like living a very long life at all. I hope i'm dead before i see my fiftieth birthday. It's screwed up because i was hoping to finish my transition by 25 but unfortunately i'm not. I don't even want to live past 40, really.

Trust me, if i start taking antidepressants or any other medication other than my HRT -- which by the way i'm already on -- i have the very strong feeling i'll be more depressed than i'm already am.

I didn't get an official diagnosis but i think i'm bipolar actually. I'm feeling ok one minute and then sad and depressed the next. Not to mention my dad, who himself was bipolar, killed himself when i was 7.

Quote from: Ellement_of_Freedom on June 03, 2016, 10:37:06 PM
When it comes down to actually carrying the baby and giving birth... just breathe. I know that's kind of basic and easier said than done, but I'm sure you will grow to a place where you can accept the things you cannot change.

A gamete (sperm or ovum) is a gamete. Both of them contain 23 chromosomes. Sure there are some sex-linked traits, but when it comes down to it whether you provided the sperm or the ovum it doesn't really matter. Once an embryo is created it doesn't matter which chromosomes came from the sperm and which came from the ovum. It's an embryo with 46 chromosomes. And you will be the mother. That's how I think of it anyway, and that's why I froze my sperm last month.

I know it's not quite that easy to change perspective but I figured my message couldn't hurt. <3

Thanks... for whatever it was worth. But as long some other person other than me is carrying the baby and giving birth to her then i am firmly against it. I refuse to be a biological father and provide the sperm to create an embryo. Before i have my GRS i'm not freezing my sperm even though that will depress me even more but that is a difficult choice i had to make.

I've actually come to accept that i'll never have children in this life, which means I will never know what it's like to be somebody's mom, i'll never know what a 9-month pregnancy is like. I'm just going to have to live a completely child-free life.

The reasons why i decided this is because i did previously state i don't want to live very long and my daughter deserves better than to lose her mom early on because she didn't want to live long; you'd think a good parent would love her child unconditionally, regarding of the gender or how it's conceived but in order for me to do that the baby would have to come out of my body, i would have to be the one to carry it in my body for nine months, and i want a girl. I would not want to raise a boy at all, I am that adamant about it. I don't want to be part of the baby's life if it didn't come from me or if it's a boy.

And maybe that's why I wasn't born a girl in this life but I would hate for that to be the reason why I had to be born a boy because there a naturally-born females who treat their children horribly!

Quote from: ainawa88 on June 04, 2016, 12:10:50 AM
I have to ask, have you ever actually sought professional help? I know most people who say "nothing would help" have never actually tried doing anything at all to "get better", and are basing that assumption on their feelings rather than actual experience.

Let me say, I felt the exact same way until I decided to set my judgements aside and just try. Much to my surprise, it worked.

I am seeing a behavioral specialist at the Mazzoni Center. She did refer me to psycho-therapy at one point when my depression hit a deep dark point but as of yet, i did go there but i have yet to go back because of all this paperwork that needs to be filled out and signed which i'm nervous about doing.

Forgot to add:
None of this is to say i don't have the desire to be pregnant, at some point during or after my transition, i will wear a prosthetic pregnant belly in public so people will think i'm pregnant.

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 04, 2016, 04:27:14 PM
Well there was the one time my mom told me in a very bitchy way that i will never be a woman, and i felt like killing myself then and leaving a suicide note outting her for saying that.

Me finishing my transition is the only thing i have to look forward to in this world.

I don't thing a lot of people on here care that much or thought i was already as dead as i feel inside.

Having babies or reincarnating as a female?

As i already said in this thread i'm 25 years old. I wish i were as young as you thought i was, but i don't feel like living a very long life at all. I hope i'm dead before i see my fiftieth birthday. It's screwed up because i was hoping to finish my transition by 25 but unfortunately i'm not. I don't even want to live past 40, really.

Trust me, if i start taking antidepressants or any other medication other than my HRT -- which by the way i'm already on -- i have the very strong feeling i'll be more depressed than i'm already am.

I didn't get an official diagnosis but i think i'm bipolar actually. I'm feeling ok one minute and then sad and depressed the next. Not to mention my dad, who himself was bipolar, killed himself when i was 7.

Thanks... for whatever it was worth. But as long some other person other than me is carrying the baby and giving birth to her then i am firmly against it. I refuse to be a biological father and provide the sperm to create an embryo. Before i have my GRS i'm not freezing my sperm even though that will depress me even more but that is a difficult choice i had to make.

I've actually come to accept that i'll never have children in this life, which means I will never know what it's like to be somebody's mom, i'll never know what a 9-month pregnancy is like. I'm just going to have to live a completely child-free life.

The reasons why i decided this is because i did previously state i don't want to live very long and my daughter deserves better than to lose her mom early on because she didn't want to live long; you'd think a good parent would love her child unconditionally, regarding of the gender or how it's conceived but in order for me to do that the baby would have to come out of my body, i would have to be the one to carry it in my body for nine months, and i want a girl. I would not want to raise a boy at all, I am that adamant about it. I don't want to be part of the baby's life if it didn't come from me or if it's a boy.

And maybe that's why I wasn't born a girl in this life but I would hate for that to be the reason why I had to be born a boy because there a naturally-born females who treat their children horribly!

I am seeing a behavioral specialist at the Mazzoni Center. She did refer me to psycho-therapy at one point when my depression hit a deep dark point but as of yet, i did go there but i have yet to go back because of all this paperwork that needs to be filled out and signed which i'm nervous about doing.

Both. Reincarnation - not realistic. Certainly no reason to kill yourself in the hope that next time it'll be better. There likely isn't a next time. If there is, it might be worse - and on balance of probability, you'd have an equal shot at being born male again. Either way, you won't know about it or be able to apply your relief at not living this life to the one that follows.

If reincarnation is even a thing, you have far more chance of being reborn in the third world or a slum or a warzone than you have of being born again in North America or Western Europe. Most of the world don't live in either place, and don't have the option of keeping going, or simply not filling in some paperwork because they can't face it.

You don't need to 'raise a boy' if it's so abhorrent to you. You don't need to raise a child at all in that case. They aren't your playthings. If you'd be that cruel and negligent to a child because of their gender, it's probably best that you steer well clear of parenthood, let alone designer babies - which is what demanding it is the 'right' sex in order to be loved is. This hypothetical daughter - what if she's not perfect? Not the little girl you want to live vicariously through? What if she's a butch lesbian? What if she's born in the wrong body?

You are not a "suicide victim" - you are still alive. I for one care that you remain so. I think everyone here would be devastated to hear that you'd killed yourself at such a young age instead of taking a chance and keeping going. There must be things you enjoy even despite these feelings - do them. Or find out what they are. Volunteer to help other people to get outside the noise in your own head. Have infertility counselling - many cis women need it because they can't conceive either. You can't seriously believe that if you topped yourself, you'd be lying in a mortuary freezer thinking ''ha, revenge at last - how sweet'' and on to planning how to attach your spirit to a sperm with an X in a western country. You'd be done, gone, dead, headed for the crematorium instead of living your life and making the best of it, which is what everyone has to do. Some people might have relatively easy lives - most don't, and everyone has pain.

Go fill out your paperwork - it's not a big ask to access the help that might very well improve your life massively. I'm truly sorry to hear about your fathers suicide, and about your mothers reaction to you.

You ARE as young as I thought you were - 25 is not old. The best revenge - and the only type - is living well. Death is not revenge, it just scrubs you out of the equation. It would surely be far preferable for others in your life - most of whom you've yet to meet - to look back in decades to come and say ''that was a good life, with a bad hand that she turned round'' rather than shortly be saying ''what a waste of youth and potential'' and then move on without you.

You gave someone really good advice in another thread, about focusing on the future.

I had a very strange mixture of emotions when my oldest child was born (I now have four).  Of course I was so happy to have a baby of my own, even if I wasn't the biological mother.  I was also really sad I wasn't the mother and didn't get to experience pregnancy, but admittedly kind of glad I didn't have to go through what I had just seen my wife go through.

But it was also perhaps the most dysphoric day of my life because I had it in my head that having kids meant that transitioning would never be possible for me.  I was wrong, but I didn't know it then.

Honestly my kids have always had two moms, even though I looked like a guy until a few years ago.  I was never a typical father.  I was nurturing, attentive, and emotionally involved.  I cook and clean and do my daughter's nails.  I also taught them how to pitch a tent and how to check the oil in the car...but my mom taught me those things too.

I totally get why you feel like you missed out on a big part of being a woman.  But a lot of women can't conceive, and many more just never had the chance to have their own children.  My aunt never had kids of her own, but that didn't make her experience any less authentically female.  So this 100% or nothing (suicide) approach makes no sense to me. 

What your mom said to you was meant to be hurtful.  Don't let it be.  Don't prove her right.

I said it before and I am going to again as I am the good and bad cop in my household. You either can get help or you can wallow in the "but zone" becoming entrenched in your own self-loathing.

IE

But I know it won't.....
I know I should but...
You have no I idea, but...
But...but, but.. excuses upon excuses.

You need to become more solution focused my dear or you will never become anything but a statistic that will be forgotten. (yes I sound like a bitch and that is fine as I can bare that title if it means you act)

The reality is I can empathise with you and I know that you are sad, however you need psychological help and you need it now rather than latter. It is hard to take the first step and it takes real courage to face it.

I also know I sound harsh in stating all of this and not everyone will agree with this approach yet you are not a child so having honest blunt advice from someone is a given at our age. We are adults and we made this far so we know we can make it further still.

Just open your eyes and look up, we are entering a time of great social change for those of us who are intersex or trans* and being a part of this change requires people who are not only courageous but also willing to lead by example. We see people like us emerging everyday, we are no longer alone and we are able to make changes and demand them at last.

In fact artificial wombs are in the early stages as we speak within international research and within a matter of years will become something the medical field will be able to utilize. Even if you are 35-40 when it is available to you it is worth waiting and if you can not wait then you do not deserve the right to bring life into this world. In labs in Australia, US and Germany research is being conducted with stem cells, lab grown skin tissues, vaginas grown in a lab from our own cells, and the organs are working in those used to test the science. Bone therapy, transplants, cells being place in eggs to create life that is genetically those of the cell donor.

All of this is real and happening and you are invited to be a part of this change. However it is as always up to you. I know if I want something I will never stop until I reach it and I do this because I am willing to crawl in the dirt, fight, suffer and rise again if it means so much to me.

Again I sound very nasty here but sometime we need to hear it like it is. So here is my thoughts on what you have wrote thus far.

It seems to imply you are not ready at this very moment to be a mother as you are stuck in the big old "but zone" where is it all about "me" and if I do not get it right now then I am going to yell and scream.

Now the flipside of all of this is you seem passionate about it and that is inspiring and I respect that above all else. You also are not alone here either. You might feel alone, but you are not and we ALL care about you. I care about you and I may never have meet you but I honestly really do care. I care because it is my role in this world to care and nurture and it is also the thing I struggle with the most. When I see or hear a narrative it becomes a part of me and I feel that sadness in a way I can not articulate nor can I forget. I can only imagine what it must feel like for you as I feel empty just thinking about it. I wish I could reach out and hold you and say never give up in person. Sadly all I have are 0's and 1's but they are for you.

So please get help and prove me wrong, become a geat mum and use your passion instead of allowing it to consume you.

A lot of times I felt sorrow for not being able to give birth to a child. Children came up as a topic of conversation after work this week and I realized that I'm over 30 and in one year I'll be as old as my parent's were when I was born and that probably I'll never have a child of my own which made me quite sad.
I'm not in a place in my life where I could or want to take care of children but as I'm still before HRT sperm banking crossed my mind again to make sure that the possibility to have children genetically related to me is not lost completely.
I guess I did not realize how much this upsets me, I did not expect that I'll be on the verge of tears by the time I  write this sentence.

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 04, 2016, 04:27:14 PMThanks... for whatever it was worth. But as long some other person other than me is carrying the baby and giving birth to her then i am firmly against it. I refuse to be a biological father and provide the sperm to create an embryo. Before i have my GRS i'm not freezing my sperm even though that will depress me even more but that is a difficult choice i had to make.

But there are thousands of ciswomen around the world that can't conceive naturally. They still go on to become beautiful mothers via alternative methods. The same goes for transwomen. I'm just using the cis example to show that even if you were born as a cisgendered woman, you might not have been able to conceive naturally also. People deal with this kind of thing all the time. But something tells me your issues are a little more complicated, so I second what everyone has has said. Do get help, you'll feel better for it. <3

I do understand - I think most people reading this will.

When I was in my early 20's I said to a friend in a club that I'd rather be dead - she kicked the entire table full of glasses and bottles and ashtrays at me for wallowing in self indulgent dangerous fantasy.

I don't want to be dead at all. And I have the same sorrow and dysphoria as you. Years ago I begged a mental hospital to admit me for a rest - I stood outside and kept pressing the bell until someone who worked there would speak to me. They wouldn't even open the door, so I said ''I'm not leaving, you'll have to call the police - if I can't come in I'll sleep on the doorstep''. A nurse at the end of his shift took an hour or so to speak to me - which was way over his duty seeing as I wasn't a patient.

Just fill in your forms and see where you end up.