Hello there again.

I am a transmasculine non-binary identified individual. I went on Testosterone for a little bit of time, a low dose gel for like four months or something, before switching to my first two weeks of injections. I was excited, but something happened, and I panicked (?) or had some kind of identity crisis of sorts and worked my way off of testosterone (with doctor supervision of course).

I was convinced that this was "not the right way" or the authentic way I felt I should be expressing my own personal non-binary identity: that perhaps top surgery and working out would help me with that instead.

Fast forward not a month later, and I'm incredibly depressed, the joy off of making the decision to find my "own" way of expressing my non-binary self has worn off. I decide that since I can't stop thinking about taking testosterone, I should get back on. I've emailed my endocrinologist, and all I have to do now is book an appointment with a nurse to have them do the first injection/give me my prescription.

Only problem is: I am once again having a terrible identity crisis.

Things were flowing smoothly up until I watched a film that featured a female protagonist that I just couldn't stop relating to. She wrote, was a romantic at heart, and was much more brave than she suspected of herself. I cherished her character and the way she wielded her femininity powerfully. I have a relationship to my own femininity as well; I have accepted the fact that part of my non-binary identity involves loving my feminine side and decorating myself.

But I can't stop thinking about it, now.

I can't stop thinking that I could technically be her, if that makes any sense. I envy this character and her ability to know who she is, even when dealt with the same insecurities that I have. I just feel so frustrated. I always do this back and forth thing—I've been doing it for seven years, and have been talking to a therapist about it for that long. This is why I do believe that I am non-binary; I can never just fit in one category, and that's okay. My difficulty here is determining what I can or cannot live with.

I have severe facial hair envy as well. Of the men I do date, I don't like to date men that grow out their facial hair, as that's kind of something that I would prefer on myself. I just want to be happy. I felt so grounded in the realization not a week earlier that I needed to go back on testosterone and go through with hormonally transitioning (at least for 2-3 years), and yet now I feel so lost, like its not even necessary (?).

But at the same time, I feel as though I can't just "remain as I am". I am so disappointed by my female body. I don't like having breasts. My hips and curves just make me sad—Yet I feel I have to love them.

A too severe masculine transformation, however, scares the wits out of me. The only way I can imagine myself (and I've played with this with wigs and faux beards and whatnot) with facial hair and "masculine" characteristics is with long hair and an androgynous appearance. If I had the masculine characteristics that testosterone gave me in couple with "short" hair and appearing generally masculine (this is all by culture's standards, of course, as I don't necessarily believe "short" or "long" hair are considered feminine or masculine—these things shouldn't be gendered) I would be... Scared of myself. I don't know how else to describe it.

I don't know. Any discussion would be lovely.
It gets to the point where I just feel like an empty shell of a person, and I get incredibly suicidal.

Mod Edit:Dosage

I think that therapy with a gender therapist would be a good idea but from what you describe, it sounds like you are non binary and your comfort zone is somewhere in the middle. You don't want to be masculine or feminine but you want features of each but not all the features. You might want to look at our WIKI and see if you can find something that is more descriptive of what you feel but I suspect this will be somewhat of a balancing act to find what you are comfortable with. You might take a sheet of paper and write out every masculine and feminine feature you can think of and then mark if you are comfortable,uncomfortable or don't have feelings toward that feature. That might also give others on the site a clearer idea of what you feel.

I largely agree with Dena that you sound not sure, and possibly gender counseling could help with this. However, in the final feelings and analysis, only YOU can ultimately decide on an ongoing basis who you are -- friends and professionals can help you with these decisions.

My understanding is that many trans men can grow a beard with T -- so u could try that.

You say you feel that you in some ways respect your breasts. If this continues to be the case in the long-term, might a possible alternative for you be BINDING when you feel the need -- instead of permenent breast removal ?

Cheers and good luck with your choices,
Jennifer xx