I start by saying that I fear there is a chance that I'm not a trans at all. First, let me go through my feelings on whether I'm a trans:

1- I have a strong desire to live as a woman. This desire has been there for 3-4 years, but in the past few months it became like 10 times stronger. I don't know why.

2- I dislike many features of my male body. I started lasering all my body hair about 8 months ago (6 sessions so far) and I'm now starting on facial hair removal. I dislike my penis and I have a desire to be castrated.

3- My male body isn't causing me to have suicidal thoughts or suffer from depression or massive anxiety.

4- There is 1 thing about my male body that I like. I am a fit person (not fit like a bodybuilder but fit) and I don't particularly fancy losing all my muscles and strength thinking that an athletic female body looks much better.

5- Despite point 3&4, I think I'm a trans because my desire to have a female body is pretty strong.

6- I do crossdress at home and wear makeup, etc. It feels liberating, but it also arouses me sometimes.

7- My main fear is that there is a possibility that this is all just a fetish that might go away in time. To figure out whether eroticism plays a big role, I have tried clearing my mind of all things that could be erotic and just imagining myself doing ordinary things as a female. I always wanted to be that female regardless of when I did this  thought experiment (after orgasm, after waking up, before going to sleep, etc). Yet, I am not sure how much I should trust the results of this thought experiment. Could all these feelings go away with time? I didn't have a strong urge to become a female 5 or 10 years ago.

Having said all of this, I think I'm a trans. I'm more than 95% sure on it, but the 5% still bothers me.

The other question here is whether I should transition. I'm going to elaborate on my feelings on transitioning (hint: I'm scared!):

1- If I transition I will have a body that I will love

2- I might pass as a woman in society (it will be super awesome if that happens), or I might look like a male with  breasts and makeup (which means I might end up staying at home most of the time)

3- I have a fear of coming out to my family, friends and the society. After all, I have learned all my life how to present and behave as a man should.

4- I understand that there are health risks with HRT. What I don't know is how significant are those risks. Is it as bad as smoking? drugs? etc

So the big question I need to answer is (assuming I'm indeed a trans) whether it's all going to be worth it in the end. I think it will be worth it if the health risks aren't massive and I can end up looking like a female (not a perfect woman, but at least somewhat passable). Yet, the journey to get to that end point seems very long and very difficult. I will have to overcome many obstacles and overcome my fear of coming out.

I thought it's a good idea to ask these questions from the people who have gone through this journey. Do you think I'm a trans? Do you think I should transition? If you have had thoughts, fears or experience that have been similar to what I am experiencing, I will very much appreciate if you tell me about them.

Other facts:
1- I'm 25 years old
2- I have had some desire (not very strong) to be a girl when I was a child. Basically, I play with girls most of the time and liked to wear makeup but was never allowed. When I hit puberty I didn't have those desires. I wouldn't say I had a preference  of my own gender, but more like I couldn't care less about my gender. Basically, the gender issue wasn't even on my mind. My desire to be a female resurfaced when I was 21 and became stronger over the years.

Welcome to Susan's Place. From what you wrote, I think you are transsexual but your opinion is the only one that matters. There is nothing in what you wrote that says to me that you would be happier as a male. I think it would be best if you explored these feeling with a gender therapist but I have a couple of links for you to look at. The first is our WIKI where you can get a better idea of what transgender is. The second is "the transition channel" where you will see why I think you might be transsexual. Feel free to ask questions on this thread and one of us will answer them.

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Thanks for your warm welcome Dena. I will look at the links you provided for more info
I myself am pretty certain I'm a trans but I just can't ignore the possibility that I'm mistaken. I can't explain why I feel the way I do and why this feeling is growing stronger every day. I want to be a woman from the bottom of my heart (at times it makes me cry thinking about it), but at other times my fear of transitioning (even though my heart says I will be happier in the end if I transition) is so strong that I question whether I'm a trans in the first place (questioning myself whether my feelings are linked to some of the erotic materials I have read and therefor not as genuine as they might seem). Maybe this is just some defence mechanism in my brain, I honestly don't know. Maybe I just need to be more brave and not let myself be dissuaded because of the fear of the journey ahead.

I am with Dena on this one. It sounds like you have given a lot of thought to this. The next stage is to find a counselor. That is kind-of were I am right now. You roll this idea of transitioning around in your head but still some questions  linger. Ultimately the decision will be up to you. The nice thing about seeing a counselor is that if you are trans then you get the ball rolling quicker and if you were not then there was no harm done, you can be just a happy CD.

One of the mysteries I have been faced with coming to this site is the trigger age. Some people feel they are transgender as early as age 3. Many figure it out when they hit puberty. The remainder come to the conclusion as late as age 60 or older. In my case, I displayed feminine behavior very young in life but it wasn't until I early puberty (age 13) that it hit me. At first it wasn't intense but over time it became harder to avoid. Why you avoided until you were 21 or so is a good question. Transgender is something we are born with and while sometimes it can change, by the time you are 18 your gender identity should be locked in.

I suspect if you think back you might find small details in your childhood that may give you a glimmer of your transgender past. In my case, I mothered the younger kids, I hated sports and boy play and would rather play with girls, I had a number of girl friends before they entered the no boy stage and my personality is somewhat passive/not aggressive. I am surprised that nobody noticed this in me but the times were different and my mom alway though I was an adult/mature even at my young age. 

Being scared is good.

It sounds like you've been going through all this totally alone, in a vacuum. No Sounding board. No Sanity Checks.

Finding a for real gender therapist is perhaps best. For me finding a support group turned my life around for the better. While I had a far clearer idea of who and what I am then you seem to, I had a TON of fears. I HAVE a ton of fears.

What path you take is yours and yours alone. What you need to do to be happy, or happier, only you can know. What is truly best for you to do TODAY.... well there may be things you haven't thought about, or knew to ask yourself. This is where a therapist who knows, is good. Support group members who been there, even better.

therapy helps clear the cob webs

It's interesting how much that sounds like my situation.  So I can definitely say that I know how confusing it all is.  I really hope that you end up very happy.

Quote from: stephaniec on June 09, 2016, 10:28:06 PM
therapy helps clear the cob webs

I am getting a referral for psychiatrist. Hopefully, that helps me figure out what I should do. For now maybe I should hold off on things like facial hair removal until I have a clearer idea of what I exactly want. All I can say is that right now I don't know for certain whether transitioning can be more helpful than harmful

you can always do things that aren't permanent 

Hey, I'm practically in the same place in my life as you, and my concerns are mostly the same as yours. Please do keep us all updated on how things are working out for you. I hope we both have a chance.