I dunno if this is the best place to address this, but honestly I have no one to discuss it with, so here it is.  I know quite a few trans people in RL now, but I don't tend to hang out with them very much.  The reason behind this is that I have a hard time identifying with being transgender, while most of the trans guys I know are really hardcore into trans pride or strongly identify as trans.  I, personally, just identify as a guy.  I don't want to talk about being trans or participate in trans pride stuff or consider myself a "trans man," even in my head.  I just want to live like the dude I've always been.  Being on hormones has made that possible, and I always feel like I don't quite mesh with a lot of other trans guys because they consider being trans such a strong part of their identity, while I don't.  I don't tend to think about being trans much at all in my everyday life, and I think about it less and less the more I pass.  I am also bisexual, but I have never been into gay pride stuff or strongly identified as my sexuality, either.  Sometimes, though, I feel like a bad person because I'm NOT the trans person that stands up for trans rights or whatever all the time. (Well, not any more actively than a cis person who supports trans people would.)  Heck, the idea of being a "trans man" feels as foreign to me as being a "woman" does.  I just feel like a MAN.  And I don't WANT to feel any other way, I am happy like I am.  But at the same time, I feel weird because I have a hard time relating to my friends who are so big on the trans pride stuff.  Does anybody else feel like this?  I'm sorry if this is making no sense... I really wish I could better explain my feelings and why I feel like I don't fit into the trans community as well as some people.  I guess it's just that I would be perfectly happy living me a stealth life and never addressing my gender stuff at all.  I feel like I am who I'm meant to be now, so I just want to be that.  I don't want to share my story with people I know or post pictures of my transition on Facebook or go to trans support groups or any of the stuff I see my friends do.  I don't mind talking about the nuts and bolts of transition with friends or on forums like this, but in general I'm happy just thinking of myself as a guy and living as a normal guy.  But I'm afraid to share these feelings with any of the trans people I know because I'm afraid they'll think I'm a jerk.  And I'm really not a jerk, I just don't feel any connection to the idea of being transgender (even though I am).  I feel disassociated from it, like there is no emotional connection there.  I guess it's sort of like how you could technically refer to me as "that brunette person," but I feel no special connection to being brunette.  I don't go around thinking about being brunette or considering myself a brunette or talking about being brunette.  I just am brunette.  That's about all the connection I feel to being trans.  Is that totally nuts?

I don't think it's all that odd at all. It may seem like every trans person is deeply invested in the transgender struggle, but I think that's mostly because the most visible transgender people are the ones who are passionate about it.

I have never been to a pride day, I have been to one trans group meeting. I might go again but it's not a major priority. I am transgender, I am a lesbian but really I am a geek. I have read a comic where the doctor team's up with captain Picard to stop the cybermen, who are manipulating the Borg. I am plotting my next D&D session tomorrow and writing this whail watching season two of daredevil, I am a geek.

Ok got of topic, but ya I think there is nothing unusual with your view of things.

Serena

Most homo/bisexual folk don't go to pride, either.  Just be a dude.

Thanks guys, that makes me feel a lot better.  One of my best friends is very into the pride stuff, so I always kind of feel like there must be something wrong with me since it's not a huge priority for me.

There are 3 major stages of transgender.

1. The pre stage were we fear coming out and facing what we are.

2. The transition stage where we explore what we are and become part of the TG group.

3. The promised land. The goal that we spent all this time to reach where we are just one of the crowd.

You have reached stage 3 rather quickly and there is nothing wrong with that. You like me remain with the site to help others along the path but our life off the site is living in the world we built. You have nothing to worry about and everything to be proud of.

I know exactly how you feel. I met some trans guys and was hoping to become friends with someone going through a similar struggle, but it turned out that our struggles weren't so similar after all. My identity was male, just your average guy, I wanted to live 'stealth'. They were openly transgender and some weren't afraid to dress in a 'genderqueer' sort of fashion. I heard the word 'trans' in every second sentence, we couldn't have a conversation without gender being thrown in there somewhere. I just couldn't relate to them, so I left it at that. I don't think you're nuts, you just want to continue on with a normal sort of life without thinking about gender constantly.

I think it's normal.

I don't like the word trans, I don't like being trans, I don't especially want to wear it like a badge on my front or have it as some sort of prefix for who I am. I don't think that is 'wrong', nor odd.

I finally understand my friend's problem with his mother calling him her "gay son" instead of her son, so he never came out to her because he feared the label would overtake himself in her and his family's view. I am probably the "trans kid" in my family now, and that sucks.

You're definetly not alone.

I used to identify as trans man but that was early in my transition and since then it's become just a man. That's all there is to me. Well, sure, I have transitioned but that's part of my personal (medical) history now and in my mind, it doesn't define me as a person at all. Being trans is not part of my identity, it's - like I said - part of my personal history.

Only the people who I've known prior to my transition know about it and I'm happily living as stealth these days. That's what I wanted back in 2011 when I started this whole process. It was awesome to realize one day that I'm now at the point that I dreamt about all those years ago and I sure as heck am not gonna give that up.

I've also given up with the sexuality labels on my part. I just got fed up with them. If someone asks, I'll tell I'm bisexual because I don't want explain everything. I'm in a relationship with a woman (she's cis if someone wanted to know) but I still lean more into guys.
I gotta admit, though, it would be nice to check out some of the local prides at least once but do I want to get egged etc? Nah. Welcome to Finland where prides are still in danger of stuff like that.

I have lot of respect for those trans people who are open about it and raise their voices so that the rest of us would have things easier etc but is that for me? No. Even if it's partially my battle, I don't want to fight it. I just want to live my life in peace, like anyone else.

I don't think you're bad or should feel guilty, either. I feel the same way, though.

I am pretty reserved and introverted, anyway. I will absolutely stand up to injustice where I have the opportunity but I am not that integrated in the trans community in the real world. It is a part of me, absolutely. But I prefer to remain out of the spotlight. It is not something I actively hide, but I don't often reveal it to those who don't know either. I don't need to. My trans status does not define me solely. As Valwen said, I am many things. Trans is just one of many.

I've also found that trans people are just like all other people. We are varied in interests and personality. Some you will "gel" more with than others. And some you might not find much common ground at all besides being trans. There is no one way to take this journey and there is no wrong way. Just do you.

i'm this way as well. i have tried to participate in the LGBT community as a member, but i just can't do it. i can volunteer to help others but i don't need people helping me or participating in pride stuff. i don't tell people i'm trans unless the situation calls for it (doctor, someone i'm dating, etc). i don't feel as if it is important or as if it reflects who i am. i'm just a guy, i wanna be treated as such, not a trans guy where people ask all these really invasive questions, etc.

i didn't go to pride until after i came out and i haven't been back since. i've tried to do transgender groups, and i can't just do it. i don't feel like i mesh with them. they're too early into their transition most of the time the trans people i meet or just figuring it out and here i am, with two years on T and a year and a bit post op for top surgery. i've met some people who have had T but no surgery but i still feel like i don't "mesh" with them because they're all "out and proud" and i'm well...not. well, not out but i'm still proud.

either way, you aren't alone.

Although I am younger, I can agree to a certain extent. I don't really want to tell people I'm transgender, I have to. I have to in order to get anywhere with this. But really, I am the same as you. I'm not transgender - I am simply a young man.

I don't feel any connection with the word transgender, as it's a term originally with multiple meanings. Transgender can mean a cross dresser, a drag King/Queen, a ->-bleeped-<-... It can mean someone who feels like the other gender. Literally anyone who doesn't fit the norm of their gender, can label as transgender. It's open.

that's why personally, I prefer the term transsexual. Considered outdated by some, but it means someone who in mind is one gender, in body, another. That the person wishes to, or has, changed that. It's more of what I am then transgender is. When I have to label myself, I say transsexual. It makes this come across as more than a phase. That I will do this.

But either way, I've never been a fan of support groups, lgbt youth groups... People are trying to get me to attend them, but I really don't see a point. Pride over here is in September, and already people are talking about it. ALREADY. I've never been to pride, and if I ever go, I think I'd have to have a boyfriend to take with me... The idea of going with friends who are in relationships seems weird to me.

That's pretty much how I feel. I view myself as a male person of transsexual experience. There are much more interesting things about me than my medical history. I can understand that some people want to live out and proud (and that some people have to), but that just isn't me. It's not something I connect with.

I know a lot of trans people, either locally or through online groups that I'm a part of. But I don't hang out with any of them, aside from during special events. I don't think having a similar life experience is enough to qualify as a friendship. I think that is a common pit we fall into, thinking that just because someone is also trans that they automatically become someone you can be friends with. I'm sure they're all decent enough people, but if we have no shared interests or nothing in common aside from this similar experience, I don't see much of a point in maintaining that relationship.

I don't mind sharing my transition. I think it is good for other trans people to have someone that they can ask questions to, especially on the FTM side for guys going through bottom surgery. It's becoming much more common now but we still seem to be a little less likely to share than the ladies. So I think it's important to give back to others in the same way that other guys helped me get to this point. I also do it for the cis folks that I know. I see it as combating ignorance. It is hard to hate a group of people when you have someone you know telling you about their struggle and their experience.

Nah, I grok that.

Once I'm passing all the time, I don't plan on discussing being trans with anyone if I can avoid it. I'm not ashamed of being trans, but in my head, this is a temporary thing, actually. Eventually, I'll just be a guy - and that is what I want. For right now, I'll hang out here, do the occasional pride, and self identify as trans if it helps people out. But the future will be something else.

All of you just echoed my thoughts exactly.

My issue is I'm just starting out and I gotta deal with the adjustment of telling those close to me and changes there abouts to eventually be the guy I really am, stelthy, sly and swaggerific.

Only question is I don't want bottom surgery as of now, I feel like that's going to make dating as a stealth hard. Any suggestions?

Quote from: zeus33 on June 10, 2016, 09:28:27 PM
All of you just echoed my thoughts exactly.

My issue is I'm just starting out and I gotta deal with the adjustment of telling those close to me and changes there abouts to eventually be the guy I really am, stelthy, sly and swaggerific.

Only question is I don't want bottom surgery as of now, I feel like that's going to make dating as a stealth hard. Any suggestions?

imo, when it comes to dating, you be upfront with your partner. things like friends, employers, etc. i don't feel it is relevant because they aren't examining you or getting personal with you physically (like sex). if i had my name change when i got my job, i wouldn't have told my employer (they were cool with it though and made it super easy for me to be stealth) and i do not tell future employers. my school doesn't even know i'm trans.

however, when it comes to doctors and dating, i think it is super important to be 100% honest. i rather someone know me and love me for me, that includes the trans thing. i don't want them to expect one thing and get another. i think it is much easier to be upfront about it because if they're cool with it, fine, and we can move forward but i don't wanna wait like 6 months and they found out and we end after we built this relationship. i don't think i'm lying, and i don't think i'm being dishonest or whatever people can think of when trans people don't tell their partner they're trans right away (which i don't think you have to if you're just getting to know someone, but i would if i knew things were gonna go further). when i tell them i'm a guy, it's because i am. i just feel like people go into a relationship expecting something and don't expect that curve ball thrown at them (especially when you're older and marriage and kids can be involved). so either way, being stealth is fine but imo, some things you can't really be stealth about. you could if you want, but i don't think it is a good idea.

Quote from: zeus33 on June 10, 2016, 09:28:27 PM
Only question is I don't want bottom surgery as of now, I feel like that's going to make dating as a stealth hard. Any suggestions?

Well, I'm not going to have anything to declare in the trouser department for quite some time, and even afterwards (I only plan on getting a meta) I will probably mention the situation to someone I plan on being physically intimate with. I feel like that's the safest course of action.

Quote from: zeus33 on June 10, 2016, 09:28:27 PM
Only question is I don't want bottom surgery as of now, I feel like that's going to make dating as a stealth hard. Any suggestions?

I'm not going to undergo a bottom surgery so naturally I'd be very much outed if I stripped down to my birth outfit in a locker room etc. Which I don't do and don't have to do.

And I really don't have to worry about the dating aspect either since I was already in a steady relationship when I started my transition but if things went really wrong and this thing ended, I would have to tell a potential partner sooner or later. I'd most likely make sure that the person is trustworthy enough to tell such a thing because honestly I don't want someone to run around the town telling about me and what I have and what I don't have.

Quote from: zeus33 on June 10, 2016, 09:28:27 PM
Only question is I don't want bottom surgery as of now, I feel like that's going to make dating as a stealth hard. Any suggestions?

I would treat it carefully. Depending on how you meet the people you're going to date, it may be easier to mention up front that you are trans (online - definitely, through work colleagues - perhaps not). I think it's ultimately your choice when to tell them, but I don't think you should go into dating with the assumption that you can get away with not telling someone - even if you were to have bottom surgery.

If anything I envy you Mitch for having such an easy, uncomplicated male identity. Life is more complicated for me, and as a monosexual person who has identified as gay for almost half of my life (and involved in GLBT organizations, long term same sex relationship) being queer has been part of my identity for too long to be able to be okay with being a straight white guy. That's just too weird for me. But that's exactly how I'm going to be perceived because I don't have that much of a feminine side.

There's nothing wrong with not embracing a trans "identity". Denying that you're trans when you are can cause you a lot of distress. But it's just a condition that we live with. Becoming trans as a social identity is something totally different.

In countries where there are third sexes, some third sex individuals are fighting the designation of third sex because they just want to be a man or a woman, full stop. Whereas for myself, I'd feel comfortable with a third sex identity and resent that it's not an option in our society. I'm not NB or GQ, but I feel like being caught in between male brain and female body does make me third sex. It just fits for me, just as being a man fits for you.

I think there are probably way more FTM spectrum people who just simply want to be a man, full stop, than who embrace trans identities. Can't prove it either way but that's my feeling about it.

Quote from: OzBunny on June 08, 2016, 12:01:32 PM
But either way, I've never been a fan of support groups, lgbt youth groups... People are trying to get me to attend them, but I really don't see a point. Pride over here is in September, and already people are talking about it. ALREADY. I've never been to pride, and if I ever go, I think I'd have to have a boyfriend to take with me... The idea of going with friends who are in relationships seems weird to me.

Well, thank goodness for glbt youth groups. If not for them I wouldn't have found out that FTM existed! My culture only taught me (mostly wrong things) about MTF.

I made good friends there of all genders and the meetings were like an escape valve from my non-understanding family and hostile outer world.