TW: suicide and dysphoria

Hi, right now I'm 15, ftm, I live in a pretty liberal state, California (rather a very liberal one). I don't even know if I'm posting this in the right place, but whatever. I'm completely stealth at school and live as male, but my dad still doesn't know I'm trans. He definitely suspects something, and knows some stuff, but we haven't said it to him outright. My mom is fully supportive, and they're divorced and I live with my mom.

I'm really happy living as male, and I'm not sure if I'd still be here if I was still living as a female at school, although it is a kick in the gut when my dad uses female pronouns. My mom for some reason gave him full custody of me, and legally I live with him, although he's very lenient with her and in real life I live with my Mom and see my dad on the weekends. I've come to the point where I don't know how much longer I can go without testosterone. I'm still going through puberty and I feel like everyday my body just keeps getting more feminized, and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror without feeling like killing myself. I know I pass as male, but I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, along with OCD, so I feel like everyone's secretly calling me female behind my back and that secretly everyone thinks I'm a girl and that I'm just some weirdo lesbian. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm under so much stress, I love to sing, but I can't even do that because I feel like my vocal chords have been taken over by some feminizing monster, and I can't even go outside without wearing a jacket, even if it's a hundred degrees, because my arms are so small and I'm afraid my hips will bulge out for everyone to see.

I need to go on hormones, and start a physical transition. I'm seeing a therapist, and she's great, but I don't know how to tell her that I feel like killing myself if I have to live another day in this body without her starting a ruckus telling my mom when she doesn't need to hear that stuff. I know my dad won't let me ever go on hormones, he thinks it's all a phase and that it's just the teenage hormones making me dress as a man.

I don't know if they let kids go on hormones without parental permission, because I don't have it. But everyday I feel like I can't live a day longer, I can't physically keep doing this without going insane and actually taking my life. I don't know what to do anymore. Either I'll find happiness at the end of a testosterone needle or at the end of a pill bottle. One of them has to happen, and I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any resources for me at all??

well, if you get to that point of no more call one of the suicide hot lines one the top of the pages of the forums.

Normal treatment programs for someone your age would have you on puberty blockers. Testosterone normally isn't started until age 18 because you need to be an adult before you can make a decision like that. With the blockers, feminine development will stop and if given early enough, you will gain additional high. You should talk with you mother about seeking treatment but as you father has custody, he will have to be involved in the decision.

Quote from: Dena on June 07, 2016, 12:06:31 AM
Normal treatment programs for someone your age would have you on puberty blockers. Testosterone normally isn't started until age 18 because you need to be an adult before you can make a decision like that.

Some doctors are beginning hormones at earlier ages depending on the person and their therapist.  My great-nephew is 15 and has been on testosterone for four weeks with therapists, parents and doctors agreements.  Some others have been evaluated and prescribed estrogen or testosterone at 14, 15 and 16.  But without parental permission, Dena is correct in that 18 is going to be the age.

You should be able to go on T at 16 but it seems like you need blockers now. Why not be frank with you therapist that you feel like estrogen is driving you to be suicidal? I have a friend who got put on T after being Baker acted (arrested and taken to a mental hospital for saying he was going to kill himself). Do you not trust the therapist? Does your therapist know that you are transgender? Have you talked to your pediatrician? Do they know? Have you tried cold calling a gender clinic in your area to see if your mom could bring you in for an appointment? You're already socially transitioned, and the thoughts you're expressing are very classic and exactly what they would be wanting to hear before they would approve medical intervention. You need to share--judiciously--the level of distress you're experiencing. I agree with you that this is an emergency and not something that can wait. By the time I was 18 I was experiencing major depression with suicidal ideation. I'm sure that is not something your mother or father wants for you. Oh, and I ended up flunking a lot of my college classes. Tell them about me. I have to take expensive anti-depressants now just to function that cost before insurance $1000/mo. Because I didn't get the right hormones when my brain was in a formative stage.

I was just like you except for socially transitioning (I attempted that a little later--I'd never heard of FTM when I was in high school). I wore a hoodie to school every day to cover my body and my long hair, even when it was hot. I thought estrogen was poisoning me and was despairing over the changes to my body. I didn't know anybody I could tell about these feelings though. You can. Reach out. Try to stay calm when you talk about it though (not freaky calm, but don't get too excited because they'll start dismissing what you say). Just calm because you've given it a lot of thought, you are living with this every day, and you're very concerned about your future if this continues.

The first person you should tell how you're feeling (after parents or..) is the person you're paying to talk to, the therapist. If they don't already know how to get the ball rolling one way or another, they likely know people who do. In same cases you may need to 'Educate' them as to the various steps or protocols.

At what age you can do whatever medically mostly varies by the state. One/both parents or a legal guardian may need to sign off.

Quote from: charlesxavier on June 06, 2016, 11:34:41 PM
But everyday I feel like I can't live a day longer, I can't physically keep doing this without going insane and actually taking my life. I don't know what to do anymore.

You feel very hurt and lost don't you? does it help when I say that some, or most of us felt the same as you do? well, we are still here, and it did get better. If you life live by the day, any bad day might feel as your last... as if there is no hope. Therefore, you might want to plan things for your future. It's fun, and when you set goals you will be proud when you've achieved them. And you can achieve them, but it takes a bit of patience. There are so many days, months, years and decades. There is always enough time to give up, but there isn't time for anything when you gave up. You may feel that you're fighting an uphill battle, but it's still better than fighting a downhill battle. The battle will be won, and the top will be reached. Then you can be proud of your accomplishments. I've been saying this lately a lot: Life may seem pointless, but death is certainly pointless. Take another day, another month, another year, another decade. You've got nothing to lose, so succeed in your goals.

Do you have someone to talk to in real life? it might be fun and helpful to talk to others who are in the same phase as you are.