For me the dysphoria and feeling that I need to transition is very cyclic. Sometimes I feel like I need to start right away other times I can't imagine ever wanting to, and am embarrassed that I was even considering it. The problem is, I can't seem to move anywhere with it. When I'm feeling dysphoric I can't bring myself to actually start any type of changes, and when I'm feeling good I have this need to not make any moves that would prevent me from starting transition soon. Needless to say this is causing me problems.

I think it may just be that I'm not ready, and need to get myself there. But I may not be able to. I've spent most of my adult life hating every aspect of myself (and feeling like crap all the time). My approach to relationships was that I wanted to find some girl I could marry, have a few kids with, and that that would "fix" me. I feel that I want to at least try to have a functional relationship with a woman before I would feel comfortable transitioning, but this is problematic. I have moral problems with starting a relationship when I feel like I may decide to transition at some point. It's as though I'm creating something beautiful only to destroy it. Furthermore, I'm 33 so the women I'm dating aren't looking for guys who want to spend too much time deciding what they want to do. Plus my attempt so far has shown me that,

1) I definitely don't think like a normal man,
I also
2)definitely don't think like a normal woman

Finally I'm starting to think that all of this secrecy has caused me a lot of problems. Since accepting that I wasn't cis I feel a lot better, I feel healthier, I sleep better and I actually can enjoy my friendships in a way I couldn't before. I also have been having problems where I feel like I'm automatically compartmentalizing things in my mind and it's making me make really bad decisions. I'm trying to live my life as much as I can, I don't want to spend all of my life waiting for a decision that may never come, but I also worry that I'm just making things more complicated when they do come.

That got long, If you made it this far thank you, hopefully you might have some advice or experiences to share.

I lacked the courage to tell my wife about my feelings until after we were married and with children, so I strongly urge you to be fully open with any future partner on where your thoughts lie, even if you are unsure. I started getting honest with myself almost 2 years ago, and it's been a slow process for me, but I still swing heavily between not wanting to transition and wanting it yesterday. The only thing I've noticed is that it seems to be 10 forward and 9 back, and with every swing I move slowly towards transition, and feel more comfortable with the idea of it. I hope this helps!

Quote from: meganjames2 on June 15, 2016, 12:47:21 AM
I lacked the courage to tell my wife about my feelings until after we were married and with children, so I strongly urge you to be fully open with any future partner on where your thoughts lie, even if you are unsure. I started getting honest with myself almost 2 years ago, and it's been a slow process for me, but I still swing heavily between not wanting to transition and wanting it yesterday. The only thing I've noticed is that it seems to be 10 forward and 9 back, and with every swing I move slowly towards transition, and feel more comfortable with the idea of it. I hope this helps!

My story is basically the exact same.  I'm 44.  I've always known something was off.   Even if I had the courage over 20 years ago, to tell my wife or anyone, I don't even know if I would've known what to say.  My wife knows now and things are tough, but at least I have some data and information to talk about.

I flip flop back and forth about what I truly want to do regarding transitioning.  Transitioning is not really an option for me now, but the Dysphoria does get pretty strong most of the times.  I agree about the 10 forward, 9 back...very true to me as well.




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This is just my situation and each of us  is obviously unique. Maybe (probably) this will change but after finally telling my wife months ago, having made some friends in the trans community, I'm starting to think maybe I have most of what I need. A personal acknowledgement that this is who I am. I still have wicked dysphoria at times but it comes and goes. Less than it was in the past. What I am looking for is a calmness in my life. I'm sure things will swing back again and I may have a different answer then. Stay tuned. I wish you a safe journey.


Claire (née Dori)

Why not be out as a cross-dresser when dating and look for a nice bisexual woman? There are more women who are into CDs than you think, and in the pool of self-identified bi people you will find at least one person who will like you for you and won't be hung up on you either transitioning or not transitioning.

Just go on OK Cupid and be like "I'm non-binary. I don't know if I want to transition or not, but I can't stop cross dressing. Looking for a good woman who can look past gender." You're not lying to anybody and you'll screen for anybody put off by that.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 15, 2016, 07:06:20 AM
Why not be out as a cross-dresser when dating and look for a nice bisexual woman? There are more women who are into CDs than you think, and in the pool of self-identified bi people you will find at least one person who will like you for you and won't be hung up on you either transitioning or not transitioning.

Just go on OK Cupid and be like "I'm non-binary. I don't know if I want to transition or not, but I can't stop cross dressing. Looking for a good woman who can look past gender." You're not lying to anybody and you'll screen for anybody put off by that.

That's ... a pretty good idea. I'll think about it. My first reaction is that I don't want to publicly out myself like that, but if I do transition then that's a very silly thing to worry about. I'll think about it.

It's okay to be out with a partner and not with anyone else in your life--coworkers, parents, friends who wouldn't "get" it.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 15, 2016, 07:25:12 AM
It's okay to be out with a partner and not with anyone else in your life--coworkers, parents, friends who wouldn't "get" it.

I understand that, it's more about putting myself on the internet like that. Though I'm probably overestimating my own importance in that regard.