Hi everyone,
I have to tell you something, because I think it's maybe not so usual what happened to my wife this year...

We are a young couple and married early two years ago... last year, I just couldn't live with the depression and se secrets anymore and came out to her, after I was secretly visiting my doctor for several moonths... Of course it was a shock for her, and she was angry that I lied to here so long... But that's not the point of this story...

She talked some weeks later to her mother and told her that I'm trans (the parents live 5min away from us, and she was there for lunch with the mother) ... and her mother had a realy special reaction: She grabed her hand, took her to basment and opened two big wardrobes... What she saw were dresses, high heels in very big sizes, and a lot of other diffrent stuff...

The mother told her, her father is trans, and he's living secretly his true life since more than 25 years... They are together, and he never started transitioning even if it was closley for a break up, and so on severel times... (more background there).

I wasn't sure what to feel and think when she told me about the lunch I was kind of happy (I'm not alone) and scary (thinking that she believes it will work for me as it is for him)... My father in law and I didn't talked about it, even if we met several times sinc than... 
I still think she believes it's going to work like for them...

Eleonore

Are you seeing a gender therapist? It would help you discover what you want and need to do and perhaps help her to understand.

Oh... wow.  I think that if I was of my dad's generation, I'd have been able to live in the closet for a lifetime.  Today?  No way.  There are way too many trans* role models for me, living out of the closet and showing that it can be done.  My counselor mentioned this as a possibility.  I considered it for all of... 10 minutes?  Living a double life is terrifying, and being less out than that is out of the question entirely.

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on June 14, 2016, 07:41:06 PM
Are you seeing a gender therapist? It would help you discover what you want and need to do and perhaps help her to understand.

I do, and for me it's actually not necessary anymore to discover what I want, my appointments (endo & speech therapy) are already fixed - and I'm more than happy looking forward to it - I just wasn't able to tell everything to my wife (talked with my gender therapist a lot about it, and we found a way, how I'll tell her, but I didn't yet)... It's simply even harder, since she knows (or thinks to know) that a double-life is possible (as for her dad)...

Quote from: sparrow on June 14, 2016, 08:16:18 PM
There are way too many trans* role models for me, living out of the closet and showing that it can be done.

totaly agree for me

Woah that's such a coincidence!! That said, there are a few things I think you need to consider:

1. As a woman do you see a future with your wife? - If not you need to be clear with her and let her know what is going to happen to you as a couple. Also you have to make sure she can speak to you about any fears she may have about the future if you do stay together - that's the arrangement me and my girlfriend have at the moment and it's definitely the best way to stay on good terms about the whole thing.

2. Have you spoken to your mother-in-law about it? - As you said she probably thinks that if her and her husband have stayed together then you and your wife can too. It also sounds like she has prevented her husband from transitioning and while he may be ok with not transitioning I think it's fair to assume that you are not.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that your father-in-law's situation and yours are actually very different. You are young and have already got the wheels turning on your transition and maybe a sit down with all of them to get everything off of your chest would be the best way to progress from here?? x

1) I'm not sure about the first question I do love her, and she's often my only sunshine during a day... but I think it's not going to work for here, as she told me sometimes "she's not going to be together with a woman - she needs a man"... We definitely have to talk more about it in the next weeks...

2) Actually I din't - I know it's strange, but it looks like, not everyone is talking with everyone in our families... I wasn't talking about my mother in law while assuming "it worked allredy, and will work for us". I'm thinking my wife believes that.

(Sorry, ma english isn't realy good, I know - I hope all of you can understand me )

Quote from: Hannah Samira on June 15, 2016, 09:10:04 AM
Basically what I'm trying to say is that your father-in-law's situation and yours are actually very different. You are young and have already got the wheels turning on your transition and maybe a sit down with all of them to get everything off of your chest would be the best way to progress from here?? x

I think you're right... But I'll probably just (or at least first) talk to my wife more, because it's our business in first line. Her parents are ok, but shouldn't have any influence on us...not?

Thank you Hannah

You're welcome babe I hope everything goes well!! x

Hi Eleonore

My wife could not cope with the changes to my body and mind. She also wanted to be with a man, not an increasingly girly girl. In the end we divorced, but I wish that I had been honest about my desires sooner. It was initially painful to see her date and make a fresh start. She is happy now and I am looking forward to my GCS surgery in Thailand.

Hope all goes well for you both.

Love Jools x

Hi Elenore,

I haven't seen anything about kids.
Do you have or plan to have kids?
This makes everything much more complicated and you should definitely take this into consideration.

Most of the pain we suffer(ed) is related to the kids and their situation.

If only my wife and myself would have been involved the divorce would be done by now, although I think that we would have never married in the first place.

Hugs, Thessa

The main thing you need to focus on is a good long talk with your wife. You need to see if you're on the same page or not, it's very easy for love to turn into resentment.

I was lucky, my partner always dated girls and early on in our relationship, we had a bit of a bust up about why we weren't having sex.  Best conversation killer ever: "Well, I'm a girl but, I have a bit extra. Y'know."