Thought I'd update on the latest happenings in my life.

First off, I have a new therapist I'm seeing here in Long Island. He's had years of experience with trans folk like me, and he was very honest and upfront with me about how his sessions work from the very first appointment. He said how the very most he'll be able to do after several months of chatting with me about how serious I am about pursuing a full gender change, is to write a recommendation to an endo specialist saying I look like a good candidate, and then it's all in the endo's hands. So nothing that I didn't expect. I told him as much. I'm just happy to see a therapist at this point.

I can feel my period coming around the bend, and I'm dreading it. How do I know? Fits of short-tempered anger and unbearable suicidal thoughts were a major clue. I'm really sick of it making me go temporarily insane every month, and there is so little I can do about it.

One good thing today? I got my hair cut! It's nice and short, and while I was worried my hair would be too thin to do any styling, the barber recommended some hair wax instead of gel. When the barber was finished rubbing the wax into my hair and taking off the apron, I saw all my long hair on the floor and for a moment I felt a bit sad. My hair hasn't been short since I was in fourth grade and even then, it wasn't as short as it is now. Was it just me? Do other FTMs feel this, too on their first short haircut that... it felt like a piece of you died? A little bit? Maybe it's just be being overly dramatic. I kinda said a mental goodbye to my old self when I saw all the locks on the floor. But I knew I wouldn't miss that part of me.

My hair is still very thin on the scalp though. Any tips for getting thicker hair pre-T?

First, congrats on a new therapist. And they sound like they could be a good one, so that's great.

To the rest of your topic, periods suck. I usually will get temperamental/depressive as well as horrible "aching" up there about three weeks beforehand. It's like waiting for a dreaded day that never seems to come. I tried some birth control a while ago, but the hormones it it made the "aching" a million times worse. Oddly enough, the mental side was somewhat calmer? There might be a low hormone birth control that could help if you aren't planning on going on T at this point, but I'm personally avoiding it like the plague until I can get more solid research on side effects. Good luck either way.

As for hair, when I was in middle school and had my first "real haircut", I just had my hair cut a few inches from waist length (I would have went shorter, but long story). Anyways, I saved a piece of it. It didn't really feel like a part of me died, but more like I was moving on from that part of me, a part that I "outgrew" in a way. I was happy with those few inches cut off though, and just kept going shorter over the years until I eventually had the hair I have now (short/shaggy). I haven't felt that way since that first haircut though, I'm just happy with short hair now. My hair is somewhat thick, and my hair person recommended a unisex hair manipulator for me as I wanted it too look "puffier?". I wouldn't know how to make your hair appear thicker though. Depending on how short, blow drying upside down can add volume sometimes. I say Google can be pretty interesting at times, hope something works.

Glad to hear things are going well with your therapist . As for hair appearing thicker I've had the same problem counteracting this as my hair is also thin. I've found that using thickening shampoo and conditioner works well and gives my hair more volume as well as giving it the same texture as a cis guys. I've also tried thickening sprays but found that gave my hair too much volume . I'm not sure what haircut you went for but adding lots of texture (choppy layers) gives your hair the appearance of fullness. Also definitely use the same hair wax the hairdresser used. Even if it seems expensive a tub will last you almost a year as you only need to use a small amount at a time. And yeah; as sigsi said blow drying it upside down helps; as well as running your hands through your hair while blow drying.

Btw; I also had that strange goodbye to my old self feeling when I first cut my hair short. It's a lot more permanent than simply wearing masculine clothes. I felt I was making my first huge commitment to being seen as male and it felt great like finally I look like me; but at the same time it felt scary.

I'll try the blow dry trick. Also, what was the shampoo and spray that you used?

I use this https://www.amazon.co.uk/Samy-Fat-Hair-Shampoo-Amplifying/dp/B00185CHQQ plus the conditioner that goes with it and this spray https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00X8A83NA/ref=pd_aw_sim_sbs_194_of_6?ie=UTF8&dpID=31eRSD2HAFL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_SL500_SR100%2C100_&refRID=ZSSVZ1J7Y49JV89ZM3C7

It seems expensive but one bottle lasts me like 9+ months.