All of you have been so kind to me- I think I've finally had to accept that the person I knew- male or female, is not the person I thought they were- I am nothing to her but some sort of terrible person and for what reason I still do not know.

Ive struggled so much as you all know, to leave her alone- despite all of the answers Im left without, despite being completely left out of her new awesome life- while so many others were allowed to remain.  I have tried my best to stay strong and give her space, but I am human, and I love her more than anything or anyone else I have ever loved, and this weekend I contacted her.  All I wanted was to understand why she left- and if NOTHING else, to know if she read my letter.  I spent weeks on this letter- even reading it now it gives me peace because I feel like it said so many important things that a bunch of texts can't convey.  She still couldn't even find it in herself to answer a yes or no question for me.

I often wonder why she has done this, and why I am some sort of enemy or disease- when every message I send her is of support and love- no anger or resentfulness. I just wanted peace to understand.  I read back through old messages when she came out to me, and how she said time and time again she was most scared to lose me- and that she was worried I would think she was "gay" although Im starting to feel like thats what she can't seem to tell me.  This whole time though instead of giving me any explanation, I have been blamed for everything- its hard to imagine the person that promised me I wouldn't lose her in all of this- and that the last thing she wanted to do was lose me can't even treat me with enough kindness to end the tears I cry literally everyday because I have no answers. 

I constantly ask myself if my entire relationship was a lie- and why, even when I was accepting and open about her sexuality/gender etc etc she never could really tell me how she felt.  I accept she does not want me now- but I thought that I was worth some compassion and conversation.  Instead I am left to be tormented by no answers, by meanness and by hate.  After weeks,Literally me telling her I love her as a woman and just wanting to know that she read my letter makes her report me like Im a criminal- when there was no reason i couldn't contact her. She has chosen not to block my number- maybe in a sick way she likes this. Maybe she wants to completely destroy me. All I wanted to do was support her, or have some peace about why she is gone. 

All I can say is I wish my partner had been real and compassionate like all of you- that she had considered those around her even though she needs to put herself first. I just wanted her to apologize, or explain to me what I ever really was to her. When someone tells you time and time again you are their life, their future, that no one else could be their forever- its hard to understand why they  really left- when you were always there for them. Its the worst thing in the world to support and love someone with everything you are- UNCONDITIONALLY and have them treat you like some sort of enemy and disease.

Anyway, sorry this is probably just another annoying rant on here- I guess I thought that maybe she would have cared enough to have read my letter that I spent so long on- that meant everything to me. Maybe she just threw it away. For some reason even the very thought of me is threatening to her.  I am not a bad person, but I feel like I am nothing.

For some, the past is far too painful to confront - especially relationships.  It can be completely normal for a former partner to slice you out of their life with no explanation.  I had this happen to me in my younger days, unfortunately they were full of malice and destroyed the life I built- and I had to start over. But anyhow, I digress.

Without being hurtful, I sounds like you're actually better off without this person in you life is this is how they choose to treat you.  If they reopen the lines of communication one day, maybe see how it goes - but whatever the case I hope you can find some peace.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I can't help you to know if she read your letter. I can say that I would, and you can say that you would. But if she's not prepared to engage then maybe it's best that you cut her out.

The main problem is unavoidable, but the extra hurt on top of you is unacceptable. Don't wish your life away on someone who can't take the time to check you're ok.

If I were you I'd now be so angry at the disregard that even they came crawling back it would be to a brick wall. It's to your credit that you don't feel like that.

There are still going to be times when the memories come up again but I hope you can find happiness in your new life. Above all you are always welcome here so visit us when you can.

Thank you all. I just told my therapist again today that I think the only people that really understand any of this are those  that work with the trans community, transgender men and women, and their sig. others and families.  Otherwise I think its hard for people to judge from the outside. Sometimes I feel really alone- like no one really understands all of the confusing emotions behind everything that has happened. I really appreciate being able to talk to all of you on here- and I hope I am never a bother to you.  I really admire so many of you- as I've said time and time again, I think you all should live life as you know you are- I think it is real and beautiful. I think most women on here that I've read/spoken to as well seem to respect how their own self discovery has affected their relationships with their families and SO"s.  Whether that means their relationships continue or not- it seems like most people I've encountered have had the maturity and heart to explain to those in their life and to be patient and kind with them.

I guess the message I want to relay to all of you on here, or people that might be questioning their gender- is to be honest with their partner, and compassionate- even if you don't want to be with them anymore. I feel like as SO's we should be the same to you.Mutual respect. Everyone is allowed to live their own truth and fulfill their own desires, but when someone has done so much good to you- you should treat them with compassion and kindness in return. If not, when we lose those that transition we are left feeling so confused- so hurt and like we are a problem. I helped her so much. I still to this day do not understand why she let me give her so much and support her the way I did- to leave me so suddenly. I don't know why she promised me the one thing I wouldn't lose was her in this transition, and now she can't even acknowledge I exist.

I look back on my entire relationship- and if my ex partner is truly going for what I think they are- my entire relationship was a lie.  I don't really blame her for that- if she didn't understand her feelings- but I thought she would appreciate all the unconditional love I gave her enough to show me compassion for the pain I am in- instead of wanting to drive the knife farther into my back. I think what I struggle most with is why she can't admit/recognize how this affected us- and how many of the things she blamed me for in the past were tied to her gender identity struggles. That alone would mean the world to me.  But I guess I have to realize that  a change in gender doesnt change a person's sense of right and wrong.  There were so many times I was so open, so accepting, even of other sexualities she could be other than "straight" that she could have told me- but she didn't.  She got mad at me for even questioning it- yet if this was what she held in- how is that fair that I am a terrible person? Instead I was lead on and used. 

I know many of you are still together with your partners, which is what I want still want with my ex partner if she even still likes women - I am flexible in my sexuality - attracted to women as well and love her with all my heart.  I understand if she doesn't feel the same, and just wants men, I just wish she had the courage to tell me that. To relieve me of my pain and confusion like I was ever the person that mattered to her. I admire how many of you were patient and honest with your partners instead of running away. You don't tell someone that you are their family-- I'm an only child (when i talked about my parents dying one day, she would tell me she was my family now and I'd always have her) talk about having children, a life, a future and growing old with someone - tell them you are most scared of losing them in transition and then abandon them like they are an enemy after they completely accept and support you- without a real reason. She doesn't have to be with me- I acknowledge she doesn't want to be- I just wish she had the maturity and caring enough to have a conversation with me and acknowledge this instead of leaving me stranded and blamed as she has.

I guess the question I have for those MTF on here -- if you did have hetero/cis male-female relationships before- serious ones.. what did they mean to you? Did you view your partner as a man?  How did you treat them when you left them? Sometimes I wonder if I was ever even beautiful to her like she always told me.  I know being a transgender individual is a huge struggle, but I think lots of people don't realize the psychological confusion and damage it puts people like me, the SO's in as well. 

Thank you all again for taking the time to read this and supporting me. I will always be an ally to the trans community after this- even after how much my ex partner has destroyed me. I have learned so much.

Dear Gnb,
   I just want to give you a big hug. You are such a nice person. You deserve to be happy. It really sounds like you have to move on in your life to find that. I hope you do. I really don't think this comes down to how a trans person acts. Trans people are not immune from acting like jerks. This person, your ex, really has treated you badly. Being trans is no excuse for that type of behavior. I have no respect for "them" based on what you have told us. I'm glad that you understand that trans people are usually nice and are deserving of respect. This is one trans person saying that SO's deserve the same respect. Good luck to you.
Moni

Thanks Moni- I even respect if she doesn't want to be with me- a person can't make someone be with them- I only think I deserve more compassion and explanation than she has given me.  But that has nothing to do with being trans. it has to do with accountability and maturity and owning your own choices and desires. I guess I kept hoping that she had the kindness in her heart to do this for me- to talk to me ,to acknowledge my pain- to just treat me as a person that loved and helped her,  but she doesn't. I guess for me I could never fathom treating someone I loved this deeply in the way I've been treated- especially in the light that I haven't done anything mean to her (i.e. cheating on her/abandoning her/lying/calling names etc etc). It just breaks my heart that someone so beautiful to me is completely gone and maybe was never real at all.  And I have realized that now. Thank you for your love.  --BTW good luck on your surgery

I look back at so many beautiful pictures of us- screenshots of sweet texts she(he then) sent me- an all of our happy times and I wonder how that all could have been fake. I see the same person shining through whether or not it is a male or a female. The sparkle in his.. now her eyes. the heart I wanted to spend every day of my life with. I am dying inside. Why can I not get a reason why my love of my life is gone? Was it all a lie? I am so lost.

I'll try to avoid TMI in answering your question in my not clear cut case

Twice in my early 20's I "Experimented" with transitioning. Since we are talking pre-1980's here and being an engineer I had a Check-List. On that list was "Men". Oh, I had sexual fantasies, always of me being a woman being made love to. However I had absolutely zero attraction to guys. Most were either a) Scary/Threatening or b) Grade school idiots which make Beavis & But Head look mature. It was solely women I was attracted to and had any sort of sexual desire for. Well, aside from masturbation. If I was going to go down this road well, just how is Reality vs Fantasy?

Well Reality sucked. That and other factors led to two experiments coming to an end. An end I am thankful for since I was in no way emotionally equipped to handle transition.

Now the slight twist.... While I may have had some sexual desire for women, once the hormones stopped raging in the typical early 20's, I was far from horny. A self described "Romantic" and still am. For me sex is a sort of special bond and some physical relief. Throw in my gender issues and pleasing my partner took top priority since I was not really getting any big physical thrill over it <TMI warning> as evidenced by being able to go at it for often way too long. </TMI> The easiest and quickest way for me to achieve an orgasm during sex was to get deep into my fantasy of being the woman. My wife would often take advantage of her insider information to suit her needs.

These days, in hindsight I can say a large portion of my attraction towards women was envy more then sexual. Between Shame and Guilt there was no way anything beyond saying some guy or actor was good looking. Not too hard to do since about any guy was far better looking then I felt I was. Today I still say or think some guys are good looking, with a far deeper meaning and feelings behind those thoughts. Enough to sometimes wonder just how big of a 'Romantic' am I these days 

Well....with the relationship I was in, we had been together for nearly 5 years. I came out to her at one point but she gave me the whole kids/marriage/man&wife ultimatum, so I just tried to bury it. I realized though that either way, somebody was going to be miserable in our relationship and that wasn't fair to anybody in it, and certainly not a good foundation to build a future off of. So I ended it. After that, she basically wanted nothing to do with me. I think she felt ashamed because she didn't want her family to know I'm trans. Idk if I'll ever know the reasons why she couldn't even be my friend at least. I think she was more in love with the idea of starting a family than she ever was with me. I always felt like a square peg being shoved into a round hole. I'm glad I ended it, though. That relationship was no good for me. And I know better next time. Now I can look for better and brighter things. I get to explore my sexuality and love life in ways that feel good to me, and not have to feel like I'm stuck in some cookie cutter relationship norm machine. Of course, the hardest part seems to be finding a gf, but I'm sure I'll find one at some point. I'm not in a huge rush.

Quote from: gnb984 on June 20, 2016, 10:10:56 PM
Thanks Moni- I even respect if she doesn't want to be with me- a person can't make someone be with them- I only think I deserve more compassion and explanation than she has given me.  But that has nothing to do with being trans. it has to do with accountability and maturity and owning your own choices and desires. I guess I kept hoping that she had the kindness in her heart to do this for me- to talk to me ,to acknowledge my pain- to just treat me as a person that loved and helped her,  but she doesn't. I guess for me I could never fathom treating someone I loved this deeply in the way I've been treated- especially in the light that I haven't done anything mean to her (i.e. cheating on her/abandoning her/lying/calling names etc etc). It just breaks my heart that someone so beautiful to me is completely gone and maybe was never real at all.  And I have realized that now. Thank you for your love.  --BTW good luck on your surgery

So much of your story is relatable. I loved her beyond belief and I didn't get much of an explanation when she decided to stray. But I just found out after 37 years it was really probably my fault and I forgave her when I talked to her after all these years . I've been confused all my life and it was my confusion about my gender that interfered. The good part of the story is she remarried, a doctor and lives in Colorado. Has two smart beautiful kids named after Bewitched characters and she is retiring after spending 37 years as an emergency room nurse. For myself I remarried a wonderful lady, we had two great kids of our own. She has been very supportive thus far. After all this time I am just starting to explore the me inside. Dawn has always been there.

Thanks for yall's responses... I was never ashamed of my partner- infact I told my family I wanted them to accept us/ wanted to stand by her side.  I really need to vent, since this is really one fo the only places I can do that with people who can maybe relate. Sorry if this is annoying or offends anyone.

My SO,as I mentioned before seems so far gone from the person they were that it crushes me every moment of everyday.  She always promised me that who she was on the inside would never change, but I can't fathom how the person that loved me so much and was so close with me could ever treat me this way.

Im pretty sure at this point- that she wants to just be with other transsexual people or men. I can't be sure 100 percent- again because she never told me, but it is a feeling I have for various reasons. This hurts me very very much, as I have spent months blaming myself for our breakup.  She spent so much time blaming me- telling me it had nothing to do with her transition or sexuality.  In fact, there were times she said that she wasn't sure if I would always have too many questions like be worried it meant she was "gay" or liked men. She would get mad when I would question why she wanted to be noticed by men- like irate at me.  She would say "gross" when I suggested we could still have threesomes and like completely denied any interest in men, even when I said I was ok with her being bi sexual and was open/ into strap ons/threesomes etc etc.  I also asked her at one point when I was struggling with some of my sadness in her transition ( while still standing by her side)  what if I wanted to become a man how would she feel about that.. and she told me she couldn't be with me because she didn't like men.  She even chose to tell me months ago that she had tried going on a date with a guy in college and hated it.  I didn't even really bat an eye at it- I accepted her completely and always have.  But obviously me being open and flexible with what I could accept and be involved in sexually with her isn't enough- because I don't have a penis I guess.  It hurts me that I was/am willing to be open about my sexuality with her because I love her unconditionally, yet Im not worth that- even when she is going/ wanting things she insisted/got mad at me about and proclaimed she didn't even when I was ok  with them. And if this was how she really felt- why  not have told me when she told me of the college incident, or came out as trans-- instead she "didn't want to lose me" but then found every reason in the book to find fault in me to end our relationship.

I was reading back through so many texts because I printed them all out to give to my lawyer (yeah, my ex went back to the police for me sending her a few texts)  wanting to know if she read my letter, telling her I still unconditionally loved and supported her and just asking for some sort of real talk/explanation so I could try to move on in my life if I need to. After the I love yous, keeping all our photos to "remember me" and me letting her keep ALL my clothes and makeup etc etc. After trying to leave her alone so much- she still wants to continue to hurt me.  The police told me they were worried about her stability and  asked her why she hadn't warned me of "reporting" me or even tried to block my number, which could be done in a matter of minutes.  They were perplexed at why she hadn't.  Its sad that ontop of all the emotional damage she has done to me, now there is also financial damage as well. If you really don't want to hear from someone, you take 2 seconds to block their number on your phone.  I don't know what kind of enjoyment she is getting from all of this.

I struggle a lot with why she can't face me at all. This was my best friend, my life, the person that promised me forever.  She used to tell me that she had found the love she thought she would never find in anyone in me- and that her dreams had come true and couldn't wait to marry me and have our life together.  I was talking to someone at my lawyers today and she was saying when she met her second husband she felt that she had found a love that she didn't think shed ever feel and felt more loved than she thought possible. I told her that's the kind of love I had found in my ex- even after having serious relationships- he (she) was that type of love I had waited to find to spend my life with..
If she really just wants men- I wish she could have the strength and courage to tell me this. To be compassionate to how much she repressed this and led me on .. Especially in the light of how open and accepting I am and was.  Instead, looking back through so many messages, I see how I was blamed for her repression of her gender and her sexuality. Instead of sharing these feelings with me she found things wrong in me or blamed it on my "insecurity" when she was never being honest with me at all.  I think a lot of her rage/anxiety that she always blamed on me, was also mainly from within herself about all of these feelings.  I think she is angry at me that I wasn't enough to take them away.  The person that was so loving and open with me began to hate me for those things.

Shes super into being fit now- although she never worked out before as a male.  Infact, she always wanted me to gain more weight. In a sad/sick way she made me feel beautiful about my body- Im not skinny- and she wanted me to gain more. She made me feel more beautiful than ever have felt, but maybe she just wanted me to feel like a man to her. I don't really think people realize how much all of these lies psychologically damage other people involved.  Was I ever even pretty?Was the sex we had all fake? I can't imagine faking the emotions/ promises/ discussions of life and all the things we wanted together and the physical connection was all staged.  Sometimes people say "well maybe he was just telling you what you wanted to hear." Heres the thing- I never brought the stuff up to begin with- when I met "him" he was SO eager and SO sure I was the one- promised me to the moon and back that he was so sure.  That he was so lucky to have finally found who he was waiting for.  I used to cry tears of happiness with my mom and dad when we met because both my ex and I were so sure we had finally found the person we had been waiting so long for.  I never asked or expected to "hear" those things from him.. so why did he even go there if he  had all of these repressed feelings?

If she's not interested in women at all now, was all the romantic interactions we had fake too? How can you fake sexual attraction to someone? Especially in light of the deep romantic connection I thought we had. All the hugs, I love yous, talk of our future  and growing old and dying together.  How and why could someone do that if they don't even want to be with a woman?  We didn't just date- HE (back then) was so eager to get married- was so sure that I was the one, and said hed wait forever even if I didn't realize it right away.  Why say all of that.
I guess I feel so lost and hurt- and so beyond insulted that the person I valued and trusted more than anyone ever before basically wasn't real.  I wish more than anything that she had the heart to tell me some of these things and own them/ explain- even if its embarrassing or it hurts- and give me the acknowledgement of how it effected our entire relationship. I wish I could know what was ever real and have peace to move forward. But she wont even give me that piece. How someone could tell me that I was their strength and the only person who truly loved and accepted them- and treat me without even enough compassion to write me a letter or do anything to try to own some of what has happened and explain.

Instead, she doesn't block my number, and finds it "threatening" when I tell her I love her unconditionally.  Maybe the thing that is threatening is the guilt she feels about pretending I am dead every single day.

I feel so broken and useless- How am I ever to trust someone again when the person I trusted most in this world has abandoned me and doesn't even remember me in the slightest, and has blamed me for all of their own anxiety and confusion about their gender? Looking back at my "insecurities"  and "questions" I had with my partner, I can see how even though it was a problem of mine- that her rage towards me out it, and about expression my love (something that never bothered her before) was really her anger about all of this.  It would mean the world to me for her to ever find the self awareness as so many of you have to be able to really talk with me and apologize/ recognize these problems.

I wanted my life with her- even if she is bi, even if she is a woman. I was open to sexual flexibility/toys/ involving men. I thought her sexual attraction to me was real0 but maybe it was all staged to get what she wanted from me. I don't know why she took all of my things, promised me to trust her the one thing I would never lose was her- and that she wouldn't change, tell me she was so scared to lose me and that we would be in this together and loved me more than anything- and now act like I am some sort of horrible memory and terrible person- who deserves to be reported to the cops for sending loving and supportive text messages.  But maybe  even though I was unconditionally loving of her body and soul- Im not enough because I am not a male.

All I know is I pray everyday for answers- but maybe she will never have the strength to do that for me.  She used to tell me if it wasn't me  for her there wasn't anyone for her- I guess all of that was forgotten as well.  She told me she loved me even after our first court hearing, then abandoned me again.   I wis I could be a part of her life- but I realized I am nothing now. She sees herself as a "victim" for me trying to reach out and support her/ speak to her- what I don't thin she realizes is if anyone is the victim its me- I don't know how I will ever trust again, my school has been damaged, and I am psychologically f....ed up realizing I have been blaming myself/ basically being viewed as a fat woman/man.

I don't know if I will ever trust anyone again after the most beautiful thing in my life was a lie. I miss her everyday and wish I understood why we can't try to make this work- Im open to so much. And if not, I wish she had the strength within herself to apologize not for being her- but just for the hurt and the lack of any compassion for how she has treated me in any of this.  I wish she would put me out of my pain.

Maybe she's just really inconsiderate and doesn't have the courage to face you. Sounds to me like it's not worth dealing with or torturing yourself over. I don't think she was being very honest with you or herself.

I always have  tried to treat people like I would want them to treat me- honesty/caring/ empathy. 

I can't make her want me or love me. At this point I can't even make her talk to me. 

I just struggle with wondering how someone could take a relationship to the extreme she did- if she does not want to be with women at all.  It kills me that the most real person and love I thought I had ever had in all my almost 30 years can not even talk to me me or write a letter - anything. How I have been blamed and ostracized like I am a terrible person. 

Maybe I would be a lot less angry/hurt if she had never initiated all of our excitement about the future. If she hadn't promised me the one thing i needed to trust after she came out was not losing her. If maybe she could have told me that she might have interest in men even if she wasn't sure- when I was so open/ accepting about it throughout our relationship.  She could have talked to me about any of this- especially when I was even open to it. I even suggested involving men/toys whatever before and after she came out- but was basically told that was ridiculous. While I can't be sure she doesn't like women at all anymore- it is really starting to seem that way to me. It leaves me wondering how she could have even liked me in the first place- and maybe she just wanted me to be a man. If we had just dated, hadn't  been as close as we were- both closer than we said we had ever been to anyone, telling each other things we had never shared- I wouldn't feel as confused and hurt. Maybe if her conviction hadn't been so strong about spending our life together and ripped away from me I would understand. But I still can't grasp how all of it could have been pretend.  Maybe I was just a failed attempt at a "normal" life.  Sad thing is, I was ok with our life not being "normal" anymore. I was and am ok with changing my future because she is worth it to me. If she doesn't want it anymore thats fine- but seems like that would warrant her treating me with a little more respect and love enough to help me move on with my life.  Ignoring me and pretending I am dead/shutting me out/ treating me like a bad person is NOT what is helping me move on.  Maybe that works for some people, but for me, lack of understanding is basically the complete opposite of what would help me.

  It kills me now that I was blamed with anger for all of that- and maybe she didn't even like me at all.  I know I couldn't be in love with someone and be intimate with them if I wasn't attracted to them.  I don't really know how that could have all been an act.  It kills me that unlike past girlfriends- I accepted and helped her. I thought I was helping someone who would stand by me and promised not to leave even when she transitioned.  Maybe I should have been like the other girlfriends and threatened to leave- but thats not me. Instead- despite my sad moments, I encouraged her forward- I even would try to help buy her bras/ breasts, look up stuff to help her, gave her my things.  Yeah, I still was sad a couple time, yeah I had some questions- but I never threatened to leave--- ever. I love her unconditionally- beyond gender. I think especially after she came out to me- she didn't have to say all that she did about never leaving me- so seriously, and get angry at me for being scared of that- if all she wanted to do was ditch me and be with dudes- if thats what she wants. ESPECIALLY after wanting to transition.  Instead she then blamed me as the reason for leaving me- Ive beat myself up over and over as a whipping post for her  and I guess that if nothing else at this point I had hoped I that was worth kindness in return- but apparently its not. 
It would hurt so much less if she could just apologize/ speak to me and explain what was ever real and what wasn't. Or at least try to- even if its hard.  Meanwhile I've spent our whole relationship apologizing for wanting our future together that she promised me- Ive apologized for her anger and anxiety in repressing her feelings.  She told me time and time again that I was her rock and her strength in this- that no one had ever loved her enough to do this. How does someone tells someone that and how deep their love is for them and then treat them as she has to me? Treat me like a bad person for loving her unconditionally?Instead,  I've taken on all the ownership of her own issues.  It would be nice if she had the courage to own some of what has happened, instead of continuing to damage and hurt me- leave me with so much pain and unanswered questions.  She hasn't even tried to answer any of them. Hasn't even tried to explain. 

We can't always get what we want- what kills me is this person hasn't even tried in the least to show any compassion. To tell me you love me right after dropping a restraining order- to then going back to hating me again. Whats messed up is until now, I haven't even shown any anger to her. In all my messages I tell her now much I miss her, want her in my life-= and even at the end, just begging her to stop hurting me and give me closure or compassion in return and explain why she hates me so much now. It takes one word to tell me if my letter was read, it would take a few minutes to write me even a short letter back.. or maybe a couple hours of her time to sit down (which Ive still never gotten to this day since she left me) and talk to  even if there are tears- to give me that closure or understanding of why things happened. The acknowledgement of where her life is going and why I can't be part of it.. To treat me  like the person that she said at one point she wanted to spend her life with- even though she doesn't want that anymore. I was willing to be so flexible, open, accepting, loving- I just wanted kindness. I don't know what I ever really was. I am so lost and broken.

Not everybody is empathetic. Some people are just cruel. The thing is, that future that they promised is not reality. It was just a promise that for whatever reason they seem to have turned their back on. You can find what you want with somebody better than that and make that reality happen, just not with them. If they can't treat you well, then they're not really for you. It doesn't sound like the closure you need will come from them, but that doesn't mean that you can't get closure on it. Sometimes it is beneficial to take a step back for a bit and look at things with new eyes.

Thank y'all again for everything.  Sometimes recently I have been trying to be more positive/ move forward but then its like the reality of missing the old him- and the new her sets in and its like a giant cascade of emotions. 

I think back all the time to how I had never felt closer to someone- how I was the one there holding her secrets of wanting to transition- and once she had the strength I wasn't useable anymore. Sometimes I am starting to feel more and more that I was just one last attempt at trying to live a traditional male life. 

I pray everyday that she can just talk to me like the person that was once important to her (or the most important as she used to say even during her transition).  For me its hard to forget or discount all of those emotions and promises to the point where it literally appears that I am dead now. 

She always told me that who she was on the inside would never change- but it appears to me now that that person is even gone- because the person I knew was so beautiful and I couldn't see that person ever wanting to hurt someone this way.  I don't know why someone who entrusted me with things they had never told anyone- who gave me the weight of holding so many of their thoughts around of transitioning- wants me to keep suffering. 

I look back to how open I was sexually and how many opportunities I gave her to tell me if she was bisexual or attracted to men- how I was even accepting or open of that- and how I was lashed out at about it. Even if she wasn't sure- I don't know why she didn't trust me enough to just tell me whatever feelings she had about it when I had been as accepting about things in the past and when I supported her  as I much as I could have possibly been in the short time I was given.  I don't know- maybe its because she ONLY wants to be with men now- I have no idea if that is the case.  I guess what hurts is sure- in my ideal world I pictured myself with a biological male- but I loved her SO much, and still do- the person I knew and loved on the inside, the person I supported and wanted to stay with in transition, that I was willing to/ and wanted to be flexible with that- in being open to changing the way things worked or even involving other men- because my love for her was more than sex- and I think true love, that is your future life partner, your future family, your everything in life is so much more than sex. In light of all of this-It leaves me inherently wondering if her love for me was really as deep as she promised- and if she was ever attracted to me whatsoever if she is now this inflexible with her sexuality. If so- then what was all we had between us? Were all the times we were romantic and intimate staged and forced? It leaves me so lost about things I thought were so special and beautiful. and if they were all lies.  That things that she said were so special and the best shed ever had in her life weren't even what she really wanted? 

I guess what I'm getting at- is if she's that inflexible with her sexual orientation now- then why was she ever with me in the first place, and was I ever even attractive? How could she have even brought herself to have sex with me.

  I don't know. Its all so confusing, because there is no dialogue. There is no compassion, no answers.  I don't have to get specific answers or a full explanation- It would just mean the world to have an attempt, or to not be a person that never existed to her.

Its really damaging me deep inside. Even if I can get angry for a minute or two- it's always overpowered by sadness.  It scares me so much that someone I had trusted and believed more than any other person I had ever dated could have hidden so much from me- to the extent now that I think she has.  I am left so confused at why she never could have shared more with me during our relationship when I was open to so many things- and I struggle a lot with why she promised me I wouldn't lose her in transition, blamed everything thing on me and now probably wants to be with men .

When I was so willing to stand by her side- I do not know why she has left me stranded and confused. Almost like I was begging her to offer me just the compassion of talking with me. Im not looking for canned or generic answers- Im not even looking for specific answers - I know its hard to explain probably for her-- what would have and would still mean to the world to me would just be for her to try.  To try to talk to me about everything that happened and where she wants her life to go now. To talk about what we ever were.  Its the most confusing feeling in the world to feel more cherished and accepted by someone than you ever have- and then now to question if that person was ever really attracted to you or if you were just some sort of means to their goal.

I wish I wasn't viewed as some enemy and her being the "victim " when I was always her biggest cheerleader- as a male or a female.  I wish I understood why the person I love more than anything in the world has completely disappeared inside and outside.  Who knows- she will probably get the final restraining order on me, since my texts before just asking for her to have mercy and give me closure/answers, or telling her how much I unconditionally loved her and at least just wanted to be a part of her life somehow or at the very least a yes or no answer if she read a letter that meant everything to me because it told her about all I wanted and would be open/willing about in the future after/during her transition.  I do not know how that is threatening- or why she never blocked my number. After the last court- how she could still be calling me babe and telling me she loved me- and  most of all why I am such an enemy to her now, and why the very thought of me even being alive and existing is too much for her to handle.  I wish she could find it within herself to talk to the person she said she once loved-or tell me she read my letter- or to even write me a letter back. I should probably hate her after how much she has tried to hurt me- but I guess I still miss the person I love everyday.

I see only one victim, You.

Marriage is a partnership. What happened was a unilateral "I'm outta here ..." Barely a good-bye. While I wasn't married, yet, my fiancee did much the same as wedding date pressures mounted. Suddenly everything was called off. It was like a switch got flipped and 4 years together meant nothing. She just could not bring herself to say what was obvious, after the fact, to me. I wasn't a real man.

I sucks. It took me months to get over. You constantly run the videos trying to understand why, where it all went wrong

You can't dwell on it. Do as I say not as I do. I spent 37 years wondering. tearing myself apart blaming her for the breakup. I finally got the nerve to address the 800 lb gorilla with the therapist and what we discovered made sense in that she said i t imay have been my gender confusion that caused our split. Bingo, It just made sense. I''''ve only know this for three months now. I've made amends with my ex and explained our situation. The burden i've been carrying has been lifted off my shoulders. She moved on, I moved on. There isn't a day I don't miss her but I know it was for the best as she went on to life that I could not give her. Sex was very important to her, me, not so much.